Thursday, May 15, 2008

For Minivan Mom

Minivan Mom asked me the following questions:

1. Would you ever get married again?

2. Does light of your life ask about her father?

I'll tackle the second one first since it's a bit easier to explain.

Light of my life is aware of the circumstances of her coming into the world. Well, I actually have told her that her daddy and I fell out of love and he moved away and that I don't really know why he doesn't call or come to see her or anything. She's only asked a couple of times if he loves her and I always draw a blank and say something potentially damaging like "I'm sure he does" and then try to change the subject.

For the record, I DO NOT say anything bad about him in front of her or within her hearing. My mom did the same for me and when I was about 16, I finally saw my dad for who he really was. By her not influencing me in any direction, I was able to observe and make an opinion of my own about my father. This is something I believe light of my life needs to do as well. Unfortunately, she's 8. It'll be a while.

But does she ask about him? A couple of times a year. And not really asking, more like making a statement or asking a specific pointed question about him. Like, where does he live, what does he look like again, etc....? This usually occurs after she's gotten a bee in her bonnet about wanting to hear about her birth story. Kids love to hear about them when they were babies and how they came to be on this earth, etc....

Now for question number 1.

I don't know if I can answer the question as it's written. Would I ever get married again? I don't know. Since I can't see into the future, I can't say for certain that I won't.

However, my feelings at this very moment in time are..."NO". I was going to say HELL NO, but felt it was too harsh and gave the wrong impression.

I've been divorced for 7 years. In that 7 years, I've dated one person exclusively but it ultimately didn't work out (for a variety of reasons and for the best) and it was only for a few months.

I've gone on a couple of dates, but really, the whole thing makes me uncomfortable.

When I was in high school, I had tons of boyfriends. I never lasted more than 2 weeks with them for one of two reasons: 1. I got bored or 2. They got too serious too fast. Yes, I said, THEY. I never got serious.

Well, except for Jon and my ex-husband. Other than those two, I never had a serious relationship.

I don't like the idea of commitment. Being with one person the rest of your life.

Wait, I take that back. It's not so much the idea of being with one person the rest of your life, it's more like NOT being alone the rest of your life.

With the exception of my daughter, I can not imagine living with someone again. I don't like having to pick up after someone or discussing with them what to have for dinner or what movie to watch or what color to paint the living room wall or how to landscape the yard. I like making all those decisions for myself. I'm selfish that way. I recognize it and accept it about myself. I don't share or compromise all that well.

I don't like having to make a decision with someone about anything. Again, this is with the exception of my daughter. I do value her opinion on any decisions I make that affect her but beyond her, I don't want to do that again.

I feel I have a full enough life without having a man in my life. I think adding a man to the equation at this point would do more to disrupt my life than enhance it.

I'm not too keen on dating either. I hated dating when I was young enough and pretty enough and didn't have a kid.

Dating as a divorced single mother doesn't exactly draw the cream of the crop if you know what I mean.

I don't like to put myself out there. Not so much due to rejection but more like it's so much more complicated. I'm lazy. I know it. I recognize and accept that of myself (don't let anyone ever tell you I don't know my faults).

Before having a a kid, I only had to worry about rapists, serial killers and my own heart being broken. Now I have to worry about rapists, serial killers, alcoholics, drug users, pedophiles, non-committal father figures and my daughters heart being broken.

I have to put my daughter in the equation and have to take into account her feelings and thoughts and opinions. I can't date a guy really without it having an end result like marriage or adopting my kid. Because it wouldn't be fair to her to have men traipse in and out of our lives. And really, right now, it's all about her.

Which is the reason why I can't say that I wouldn't ever get married again. Cause I could and I might, but it will not be until after light of my life is grown and has her own life. I'm not willing to risk her happiness and well being for mine at this point. Not that my own is at risk since I don't want to get married again right now.

Does that answer your questions?

Any more?

I'm open to anything.

Sorry for the rambling.


Mama Dawg

2 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:


"I'm open to anything."

That's the best way to live life. I am still trying to figure out how to do that. :)

Jodi @ blog-o-licious

i always say that if something happened to scott, i'd just become a cat lady - the thought of dating makes me nauseous.

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