Lord Love the Stupid...

...for they give good blog fodder.

Yet ANOTHER conversation here at work:

Co-worker #1: "Yeah, you know when you go to a Chinese restaurant...."

Co-worker #2: "Yeah...you never know what you're eating...rabbit...cat..."

Co-worker #3: "Yeah, but it's gooooooood!"

Squeals of disgust all around.

Co-worker #1: "I got some zebra in the freezer"

Co-worker #4: "I don't eat nuthin' I don't know"

Save...me...from... stupid...drivel.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Seriously?!?

(disclaimer: I am not about to get into a political discussion about minorities or America or politics or the state of the union or anything like that. Nor do I discuss my political leanings because, well, frankly, I don't have any)

I'm overhearing this conversation at work and it's blowing my mind.

A certain co-worker is having this conversation with others in the group. I credit her with the Stupid Award today since she started the conversation.

This is the quote I overheard:

"See, what I don't like is when you go to like the grocery store and they're (people who don't speak English as their first language) sitting there talking in their language and I wanna know what they're saying. I just know they're talking about me!"

Really? For reals? Seriously? For seriouslys? Whywhywhywhywhy?

There are so many things wrong with that sentence that I hesitate to even try to decipher it.

The conversation then takes a turn for the worse with comments like "if they're in this country, they better speak English" and "I like their food, it taste good" and what not.

Granted, I do agree that if you're in this country and you have a job where you have to talk to people on a daily basis, you should know English enough to do your job. That means understanding AND speaking the language.

But to condemn or look down on people talking to their co-workers or friends in their native language? Especially when you have nothing to do with the conversation and you're not being serviced by them at that very moment?

How incredibly self-centered and selfish (for wanting others to be just like you).

Gah.....sometimes people are just so S-T-U-P-I-D.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Double Take

I got a spam e-mail in my bulk folder and it caused me to do a double take. Most of them are stupid, but this one was funny at first glance.

The subject line said "Birth Control Newsletter".

My first thought was "there's a newsletter for this?"...then I realized it was for a class action lawsuit against Orthoevra.

My how my brain spins.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Sweet Mary Mother of God

Somebody sprayed some sort of strawberry body splash or something. (like all the s's?).

Gag me....cough, cough, cough.......gag.

Blech.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Overheard at Work

"Y'all, I'm about ready to choke a chicken"

Ummm.....isn't that a phrase for masturbation?

Really, here at work?

Interesting.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Overheard at Work

Swear to God.

"Girl, the lunch isn't in the morgue, it's in the garage."

Later,

Mama Dawg

Ha, Ha! Very Funny...Ya Bastards!

Well, I hope the entire hospital enjoyed the underwear covered ass show I performed today.

Apparently, when I went to the potty earlier this morning, my skirt got hung up in my underwear.

I knew I kept feeling a breeze, but I never checked the right side of my skirt, just the left.

How I failed to feel the scratchiness that is my chair against my bare thigh, I'll never know.

To top it off, I then decided to go to the cafeteria for my morning break to get some cheese grits. I got up from my desk in the back of the room, walked past all my co-workers, out the two doors and down the hall to the cafeteria. Got IN LINE and it was then, only then, that some kind lady came over to tell me that I was flashing everyone (doctors, patients, co-workers) in the cafeteria.

Hope they liked the free show...next time I'm charging.

Later,

Blushing Mama Dawg

Chasing Frogs

This is how I spent 10 minutes of my time on Monday evening, until I literally stopped, slapped my forehead and said, "What the f*ck am I doing?"

And I wasn't even chasing him/her around the yard. I was just chasing it around and around the well.

I had to clean the litter box on Monday night and when I was walking back towards the back door, I noticed a HUGE ASS frog near the well.

The 4 year old inside of me (that tends to come out more and more since I moved out to the country) thought..."awesome" and I proceeded to chase it around and around the well with the intent on catching it.

Well, not really. I just wanted to bug the hell out of the frog. I could have caught him at any time, but I just wanted to mess with his head.

Take that, you damn stinky frog.

I don't think he was stinky though.

Take that, you damn hoppy frog.

There...that's better.

I swear I was not one of those kids that used to burn ants on the sidewalk with a magnifying glass.

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

I just stepped on 'em.

You wanna know the funniest part?

My mom says she did the same thing earlier that day.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Toothpaste on my Belly

Did you know it was possible to get toothpaste dribble on your belly?

It is.

Especially when you've just gotten out of the shower, your buck ass nekkid, you're in the middle of brushing your teeth and one of your cats (yeah, I'll call him out, it was J.D.) comes by and bites you on the ankle making you jump right as you're about to spit.

Yeah, it's possible to get toothpaste dribble on your belly.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Yet Another Conversation...

...overheard here at work.

"Yeah, I'd like to work in labor and delivery. I'd like to be there when they're doing c-sections. That would be cool".

Ugh......it's always the same person who says this crap, too.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Thump, Thump, Thump.....Ahhh...That Hurts!

That's the sound of me banging my head against a wall. And then the sound I would make after doing it a few times. Actually, it would go more like this......thump, thump, thump....ahhhh....motherf#$%in, whore of an elephant, son of a bitch....and more expletives that I decline to mention on this blog. That's because, well, I can cuss worse than a sailor. Thanks to Chad Hartzog. Ahh....Chad Hartzog. The owner of the first penis I ever saw*. The boy who introduced me to craw daddies (to the uninformed, that's crawfish to you) and mud sliding and turtles and all sorts of other boyish things. In other words, one of my closest friends growing up.

*Hee, hee. You all wanna know that story, don't you?!? Well, I'm not gonna tell it. At least not right now.

Hmmm, hmmm....sorry for that. To get back to the wall banging part....I just overheard a conversation between my co-workers.

Normally I don't pay any attention to them because I have my headphones on and I can't hear them (thank god for small favors like being able to wear headphones at work) but the Internet was being pissy so I had to do without.

I now have a grudge against the Internet. It's his fault that I am forever scarred by the stupidity of humans.

A person mentioned that while at Wal-Mart recently, they saw someone a co-worker also knew. This person mentioned in a HORRIFIED tone that they saw this mutual acquaintance in the.....wait for it.....WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT!!! Gasp!!! The horror!!! However will they be able to erase that horrible scene from their memory? Where is Jim Carrey when you need him? No, no, no, say it isn't so, Joe. A MAN in the WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT!!!!!! That can only mean one thing...he's gay! Oh..my..gosh. Everybody run for their lives, it's a gay man! You can tell because someone spotted him in the WOMEN'S DEPARTMENT at Wal-Mart! (for the record, I think he was just wandering through it or he could have been sent there by his wife to pick up an item).

Seriously? And to top it off, when she (I mean, this person) mentioned this, another co-worker came running out and said "What? Oh my gosh".

I debated on whether to laugh out loud or just hang my head and cry.

Instead, I decided to bang my head against a wall.

Motherf#%*in, whore of an elephant, son of a bitch!#$%

People are stupid.

Later,

Mama Dawg

WTF?

I was walking down the hall (not the same hall where I performed the now infamous crane, but another one) and I tripped and a bunch of old people laughed at me!

Old people......laughed at me tripping!!!!!

What is the world coming to?

Later,

Mama Dawg

So Stupid

Guess who just walked down the hall in the hospital she works in on her way to the bathroom, stopped in the middle of the hall and did the crane from Karate Kid?

Not me....nuh uh....no siree bob. Not me.....

Later,

Mama Dawg

Blowin' Off Steam

I had to take this certification test here at work. It’s completely voluntary and the corporate office pays for the test once a year.

I’ve entered into a new field of work. I used to work in personal lines insurance and with the move and all, I had to quit that job. I found a new job here in the new state and it’s a decent job. The pay sucks, but I’m starting at the bottom.

Along with the certification, you get a $1 an hour raise. Now, I haven’t been paid by the hour in about 8 years, so starting over is kind of hard. I need this raise just to cover my bills.

We got this huge ass book and a study guide and were told that although the study guide is a good “guide”, it shouldn’t be all that you study.

O.k., so I studied the big book.

Well, not really.

I started reading it the week of the test. We had had the book since before Christmas.

Yes, I’m a procrastinator. A proud one.

I didn’t finish reading the book. I only got about half way through. I even took a half-day of work off just to study.

Instead, I watched Dr. Phil and Oprah. That was the Dancing With the Stars edition of Oprah and it was soooo cool.

I digress.

I was still studying on the day of the test. I gave up on the big book and instead skimmed through the study guide. When I say skimmed, I mean skimmed. I hit the highlights and moved on to the next section.

I knew I was going to fail. I was fine with that. It gave me a chance on the company’s dime to find out what the test consisted of and then I would go back in a couple of weeks and pay $75 and take the test again and pass.

Everyone in my little office was panicking and quizzing and going over the book and study guide. I ignored them all and worked and blogged and read Perez Hilton.

We were allotted 2 hours to take the test. It was supposed to start at 1 and end at 3. We got the test around 1:15. I was out of there at 1:40. It was 100 questions long and I totally winged about 50% of it. When I say that, I’m not exaggerating, I really did guess on about 50% of it.

I’m a big believer of the “if you don’t know it, guess and move on” method and the “don’t second guess the answer you did pick” method.

You needed either a 70 or 75% in order to pass and get certified and get the $1 raise.

I firmly believed I was not going to pass.

21 of us took the test. 17 from our place of business and 4 others from a sister place of business. Included in the 21 was our big boss who was taking it just to get the certification (obviously she wasn’t going to get $1 raise).

3 people passed.

I was one of them.

I was the only one in my room that passed.

The big boss passed and a lady that sits in another room passed.

Hmmm…….what does this say about my co-workers and me? Seriously, what does this say?

One of the girls in my office was claiming “it was rigged” and “guess we know who’s in with the bosses” and “it was an un-professional test” and “they should have given it to the ones who came close to passing” etc……

Seriously?

I almost decked her because whether she knew it or not, she insulted me. Hell, I’ve only been at this company since October. It’s way tooooooo early to be brown-nosing and getting in good with the boss! LOL!!! I was angry, though. I was getting ready to get up and say something to her but my co-worker shook her head and told me it wasn’t worth it. She’s right. I still want to punch the bitch, though. About 20 minutes later, she tried to justify her nastiness by saying that I was smart and that I had a photographic memory and it was because I read so much. Even with this “compliment” she still managed to make it sound nasty and like it was my fault she didn’t pass. Whatever…….

I have all sorts of mean thoughts going through my head. Thoughts that are mean and nasty and just flat out wrong.

However, I’ll take the high road and just ignore the meanness and nastiness and go eat my lunch.

Later,

Mama Dawg