Jaeger Makes You Poot...The End

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

After a little bit, I noticed that for some reason, the boat was moving. Around that time, Big C started yelling! Turns out, L hadn’t ground the boat good enough and it was floating way! With me ON IT!!!!! AND NO ONE ELSE!!!

So, I jumped up and while he was yelling instructions at me from the beach, I got the boat started. I accelerated the boat and when I did so, I gave it too much juice and it almost went completely vertical in the water! I quickly hit reverse and almost left the cove entirely. I had never piloted a boat before so I didn’t know that it only took a gentle touch to make the boat move. As quickly as I got it out of reverse, I slammed it forward again to accelerate and I almost crashed the boat! Luckily, I caught it in time and was able to bring it back to the shore and actually did a good job bringing it back to where it was initially parked.

L said he was laughing so hard, he almost fell down. B didn’t know what was going on because she was too busy trying to pee and L was laughing so hard he couldn’t tell her what had happened. Big C would not shut up about me almost crashing his boat and I just sat there all proud of myself for not crashing the boat and killing everyone!

We got back to the house and had yet another wonderful meal and lots of drinks. Big C’s friend, Bob (not his real name but that’s seriously what we called him the whole time), came over and ate with us.


(This is Bob demonstrating....god, I don't even remember, all I remember is that we were laughing so hard at this point...it had something to do with Big C having a woody at a strip club)

We all headed out to the island for more conversation and drinks. Except for a few snarky comments and Big C deciding my new name was Amy, it was fun. I stayed far away from Big C so it was all good. I had quit drinking around 5 that afternoon mostly due to all the Red Bull and vodka, the almost-crash and I felt I needed to stay sober after both of the “handsy” experiences. I didn’t have another drink the whole weekend (except for a taste of some scotch), so I was pretty much the only sober one there. Well, B wasn’t drunk and never did get drunk but she was feeling good. Bob got so drunk he fell out of his chair and L had to hop up real quick to keep him from going in the water or the fire pit! Bob was hysterical. He kept talking to us about his ex-wife that left him for another woman. He and Big C had obviously known each other for a while and had had lots of escapades together because most of the night was spent listening to the kind of trouble the two of them would get in to. Despite everything, some good times were had. Mostly at someone else’s expense, but hey, if you can’t laugh at people and their problems, who can you laugh at, right? (that’s a joke, by the way!)

(This is Bob after he fell out of his chair...he also vomited up his dinner which apparently was some sort of rice dish...don't ask me how I know that...shudder!)

(This is the fire that Bob almost fell in and that L had to rescue him from)

Later that night, Bob discovered he had lost his phone so Big C and L went to the island to look for it. While out there, L ended up walking right off the island into the water. I so wish I had been there to see that. It’s amazing he didn’t get hurt. Big C was laughing too hard to do anything but lay on the ground holding his sides. B and I were in the house watching TV when L comes in the house, dripping wet! I don’t think I laughed so hard that whole weekend. He looked like a drowned rat (sorry, L, but you did!).

The next day, it was kinda rainy so we mostly lolled around and went out on the boat briefly. Mostly looking for goodies to bring back to the kids. We hung out again on the little island for a while but mostly hung out on the porch of the house. Big C ended up apologizing to me for being so mean and I forgave him for that. Of course, no mention was made about Thursday night but I just let it go.

The next day was Sunday and it was time to go home. I never felt so relieved in my life. I missed my baby girl and was miserable from being so tense the whole weekend. The ride back was uneventful. When I got home, light of my life and my mom weren’t even there! As disappointed as I was, it gave me time to think about how to tell them about the weekend without making it sound like I was too miserable. I had been looking forward to this for a while and they were so excited for me to have a vacation that I didn’t want to make it seem horrible to them.

The below picture made it all worth it, though.

(This is beautiful Lake Martin)

Later,

Mama Dawg

Jaeger Makes You Poot Part 3

Part 1

Part 2

Friday morning, we slept in for quite a while and then got up and went to Wal-Mart. Just ask B, that was the scariest ass drive we’ve ever been on. I don’t know how many times we had to tell Big C to stay in his lane and to slow down. We had to go to Wal-Mart to stock up on food to eat that night. We farted around there for quite a while and then went back to the house. A little while later, we decided to go out on the boat for the rest of the afternoon.


(yes, this is me, on the boat...you can't see my face, but I'm soooo relaxed right now)

I’m still wary around Big C but he’s not acting strange or “handsy” or anything, so I slowly start letting my guard down.

However, I guess my “cold shoulder” got noticed by him after all cause he started getting real snarky towards me. He kept asking me OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again “What’s your problem? You’re angry about something. Seriously, you need to go see someone about that problem. I can help, tell me what it is.” This is one time when I didn’t keep my mouth shut and snapped back, “Have you ever thought that maybe I just don’t like YOU?” He just laughed. It kinda stayed this way the rest of the weekend.

There were moments when things were ok. But it took a lot on my part to act as normal as possible.

We all got our drink on. L had bought some Red Bull and we had tons of vodka so that’s what L and I were drinking for most of the afternoon. I guess the drinks were a little strong because I got buzzed and nearly drunk real quick (that and the lack of food for most of the weekend. When we did eat, it was delicious but I’m not a small girl and I need to eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner with a few snacks in between as well…boiled peanuts do not make for a good lunch…especially on Red Bull and vodka). I can remember that at one point, I was laying on my back on the boat seat and then I turned upside down to hang my head over the edge. For some reason, this made my head less “fuzzy”. At one point while I was relaxing like this (I wasn’t feeling sick or anything, just buzzing along real nice), Big C came over and again touched me on my legs! Seriously!

I’m usually not this much of a wimp when it comes to standing up for myself…especially if I feel violated. But, I really didn’t feel “violated” (and before anyone bothers to correct me on this…I know what it’s like to feel “violated” and this wasn’t really it). But, in this case, my neighbors are still “new” to me and I don’t want to rock the boat. I have to live by these people for a long time and I really, really like them. It put me in a bad spot and I hated that.

We cruised around for a bit longer and then ended up at the same little cove area where I peed a tree to death. B & L got off the boat to take care of business (L had to find a new tree to use since I killed the last one) and Big C got off the boat to hang with the dog. I went to the back of the boat to jump off the back to swim for a while.

This is where one of the most hysterical things happened the whole weekend!

I promise, I'll post Part 4 before I leave for the day. As much as I'd like to drag this out, I'm already bored by the story and I'm sure you guys are, too.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Jaeger Makes You Poot Part 2

Part 1

We went back to the house later that night and ate a delicious dinner. Big C knows how to cook. He made a delicious roast that had been cooking all day long. It has mushroom, yellow pepper, potatoes, carrots, onions, etc….Heaven in a crock pot.

We headed out then to the little island to hang out for a bit. In order to get to the island, you have to use a wooden pier that actually connects to the island. There’s a few trees and a fire pit. You can tell it’s a main hang out spot when the weather is good. We had a good time chatting and drinking (lots and lots of drinking). I got to hear several stories about L that I hadn’t heard before. Lots of laughter and a good time was had by all.



(The fire pit is in the middle)



So, we all go back inside to watch a little TV until it’s time for us all to head to bed. B & L have their own bedroom and so do I.

B & L are snuggling in a big chair in the living room and I decide to sit on the couch to the far right. I sort of curl up and lay my head down on the arm because by this time, I’m exhausted by all the alcohol and from being out on the lake most of the afternoon. Now, I’m curled up as tight as I can get in order to leave Big C some room to sit on the opposite end of the couch.

Is this what he does? Nope. Instead, he.sits.right.next.to.me.

Still not a problem. A little uncomfortable since I barely know the guy, but not really invading my personal space…yet.

A few minutes go by and he decides to lay his head down on my legs…that are curled up towards the rest of my body.

I’m shocked. Before I can say or do anything, he starts feeling up my legs. (to knock any naysayers, I was wearing an over sized t-shirt with a sports bra underneath and a pair of yoga pants. But no socks…cause…well, it was warm)

I have no clue what to do…I’m incredibly uncomfortable especially considering I didn’t think I had done anything at ALL to give him any idea that this was a good idea.

Who does this? Really, who does this?

Instead of making a big stink like I wanted to, I just start talking and then I sit up straight and watch a couple more minutes of TV and then I tell them that I’m calling it a night and I head back to my room. I’m so grateful that no one followed me.

Believe me, it was so hard for me not to cry or say something smart ass-y at that moment. I was trying to preserve the weekend for my friends since we still had two more nights and 3 more days there.

After sleeping on it, I decided not to say anything to him or to B & L and I just chalked it up to him being drunk and not really knowing what he was doing. I’m not going to change my mind on that thought because if I do, I’ll get the heebie-jeebies again.

Without going in to any details, let’s just say that I don’t have a good track record with men. Period. Several “incidents” happened to me from the time I was 13 on and I’m not entirely comfortable in a man’s presence. It takes me a while to warm up and even then, I’m still wary.

The only ones I’m comfortable around are (obviously) family and my neighbors. I don’t get creepy vibes from them but still, it took me a while to get comfy enough around them to become friends with them.

Well, for me, that pretty much ruined the weekend. Like I said, the saving grace was the dog and the lake itself.



...to be continued....

Later,

Mama Dawg

Jaeger Makes You Poot Part 1

Here’s the story of that what went down the weekend we went to Lake Martin, Alabama.

Before we start, I need to let you know of a couple of other potential titles to this blog post. I went with the title above because, well, it’s such a funny statement for anyone to make but someone (Big C) said it. I’m probably gonna get all sorts of “wrong” traffic to this site, but who the hell cares!

Alternative Titles:

Indoor Voice (this is what Big C kept telling Bob to use when he was telling a story)
L Said “Dude” 16 Times (L is not the type to use the word “dude” but he did…16 times)
You Gotta Doodoo? (asked by Big C when B or I had to use the island “potty”)
Spanish Lessons (Bob taught us that when you say the letters S-O-C-K-S, it sorta means, “that is it” or something like that)
Amily (my new name…changed from Amy to Amily which is a combo of my real name and Amy)


Cast of Characters:
B-female friend/neighbor
L-male friend/neighbor, husband of B
Big C-friend of friend/neighbor and host
Bob-Mexican/American friend of Big C
Aubie-dog
Buttermilk-Big C’s dog

L has been friends with Big C for a long time. It’s him we visited. He rents a place out on Lake Martin and has a dock from his yard leading to a tiny island that has a couple of trees and things.

We left on Thursday morning. We actually left twice because we hadn’t even gotten to the neighbors driveway before B & L realized they didn’t have the directions to where we were going. So, we turn around and get the directions. Mom saw the whole thing go down from the front porch and called me on my cell asking if we had fun and she was surprised we came back so soon. After calling her a smartass, we hung up. We got back on the road and the trip down was fine. L drove the whole way down. B and I just chilled in the car. The ride down and the ride back was nothing story worthy, so we’ll just skip ahead to our arrival.

We arrived later in the afternoon. We had stopped at a gas station nearby before we got there so we could get some cold beers for when we got to the house.

Big C comes out and enthusiastically greets us with hugs and kisses.

Before we go further, just know that I can usually size people up pretty quickly after meeting them. I’m rarely surprised and it’s rare that my first impression is wrong. I have been wrong on two occasions (that I know of) and have admitted it to both parties each time with an apology. One was my friend J down in Florida and one was pretty recently. But not Big C.

I’ve known guys like him all my life. Guys like him and I don’t get along. At all. Period. That’s all I’m gonna say on this subject because I like my neighbors and want to stay friends with them. They read this blog.

However, I was raised by a mama that taught me, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all”. Boy, did I have to bite my tongue the whole weekend. I’m surprised I didn’t bite it right off.

So, I kept my mouth shut and just suffered the whole weekend. By keeping quiet (except for the couple of times I just had to react), it did lesson the tension and it saved the weekend for me.

That and the lake itself. And copius amounts of alcohol.

Anyway, after he greeted us, we went inside and got a tour of the place. The house is absolutely beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, etc….The view is even better.



After chit-chatting and doing some catch up, we unpacked and Big C said we were going to go out on the boat.
I quickly grabbed my camera and we headed out. Oh, lord. It was spectacular. The view, the water, the islands, the houses. Absolutely stunning.



The boat ride was relaxing and soothing and thrilling and just a lot of fun. Big C’s dog, Buttermilk, went with us. That is one hell of a dog. I kept teasing Big C the whole weekend about taking his dog. He’s a rescue dog and is just beautiful.



Big C pointed out various houses to us and showed us a $24 million dollar house owned by a guy that’s currently sitting in prison. The boat house alone was bigger than my house and my neighbors COMBINED!



We got off on an island and walked around it for a bit. We went to a local marina to get some gas. B and I went inside the marina to use the potty and to look around. We refreshed our drinks and headed back out.



We stopped by a little cove to take yet another potty break. L is still, to this day, accusing me of killing a tree that I peed behind. He said I caused the water in the lake to rise an inch and that I drowned several small animals.

Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go.

...to be continued....

Later,

Mama Dawg