Oh, My Beautiful, Smart Child

I just called my mom to give her the status update on the cat (he's coming home but the vet was too busy to talk to me on the phone so I'll find out details later) and I chatted with her a minute.

Light of my life wanted to talk to me so my mom handed her the cell phone. Without even saying hello or I miss you or any of that, she immediately says "Can I give you some advice?"

Seriously. Just like an adult.

And what made it even better, her advice was sound and I'm actually going to take it.

Oh, man, I miss that little girl. My eyes hurt to see her, my arms ache to hold her and my heart yearns to be with her.

Still no idea when they're coming home. Hopefully soon. I know that I can handle it, but I don't like to.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Simple Things

After Hurricane Katrina, I had an epiphany of sorts (you like that? I used a big word...L, don't be mad).

I was always someone who really didn't care what people thought of me but at the same time, I took care not to do anything that embarrassed me or light of my life too much. I know that's a contradiction but it's more like I didn't care what people thought of me as a whole but I did get embarrassed if I made a huge faux pas or tripped and fell or something like that.

Anyway, after Katrina, I took it up a notch.

I decided to start letting myself enjoy the simple things in life. I've always enjoyed the simple things in life but I "realized" this about myself and due to this enlightenment, it increased my enjoyment tenfold.

Example:

Because my mom's down in New Orleans, light of my life is having to ride the bus to my grandmother's house in the afternoon and she's being looked after by my other aunt who's up for a visit.

I'm to call them when I'm about 15 minutes or so away from home and she'll meet me at the house with my daughter in tow on their way to taking my grandmother to walk at a local walking track.

Well, I called yesterday and my aunt said that they weren't ready yet and that she would just bring her home when they were done doing whatever it was they were doing.

I said, OK, and hung up.

I got home and was at a loss for what to do. I knew I needed to get dinner started, but since it just consisted of thawing some tilipia fillets and then putting them in the fridge to marinate in a lime cilantro sauce, that wouldn't fill up my time.

The house was also awfully quiet without light of my life and my mom there.

So, I poured myself a glass of red zin, grabbed my book (World Without End by Ken Follet for those of you who what to know....wonderful, wonderful sequel to The Pillars of the Earth), and went out on the front porch to sit in my swing and read.

The weather was gorgeous and there was a slight breeze.

This was nice....however, it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. I wasn't completely satisfied by this. I wanted something more.

I stared out at my yard and saw the wild rose bush. I got some clippers and a glove and went and cut some flowers to put in a small vase to brighten up the house.

As I came back towards the house, I decided to sit down in the grass on the small hill to pick the thorns off the roses.

As soon as I sat down in the grass, I knew what I needed.

I needed to lay down...in the grass...and watch the clouds.

So.....that's what I did.

What it did for my soul, I can never describe. That reconnection with the outdoors did more for my soul and psyche in 15 minutes than anything has ever done before.

To just sit there without any external distractions (iPod, TV, books, refreshments, etc...) and stare up at the sky and listen to the buzzing of the bees in the trees and the smell of fresh cut grass and the feel of a few small bugs (nothing that bites) crawling on me occasionally, it was heaven.

I live right off the highway so cars were going by and I'm sure that they thought I was crazy (I live in a very small town....2000 people or so, so I'm sure that word will get around about the crazy lady that lays in the yard).

With all the hectic things that go on in our everyday lives, it's nice to be able to stop every once in a while and lay in the grass looking up at the clouds.

Anybody else have any simple things that they use to relax or get enjoyment out of?

Let me know.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Heaven Discussion

I had to tell light of my life yesterday that Teddy died. It broke her heart. There were tears and hugging and some laughing (in memory of Teddy's antics) and more crying.

I had discovered his little body on Sunday night but it was way too dark to bury him but I couldn't leave his little carcass in the cage in the house or outside (cause something bigger would have carted him off).

So, I wrapped him in an old washcloth, double wrapped him in a Ziploc bag and put him in the freezer.

Yes, I had a hamster Popsicle in my freezer.

Anyway, I told light of my life we'd bury him near the fish and the baby mice. My mom made a little cross out of Popsicle sticks and light of my life wrote his name, date of death and "I Love You" on it.

She wanted one last look at him (brave girl). However, when she saw him, it made her break in to tears all over again.

I quickly buried him and put a heavy metal disc on top of the grave (to prevent bigger animals, mostly dogs, from digging him up). I stuck the cross in and went back to her.

I let her sleep with me last night. Before she fell asleep she wanted to talk. We talked about death. I explained how his dying wasn't her fault or mine but that it was just his time to go. Things in nature die all the time and that everyone and everything has to die at some time. That's what makes the world go round. The whole "Circle of Life" thing, you know.

Then she asked me about Heaven.

Now I'm officially lost.

See, I've got conflicted feelings on religion and heaven and hell and all that jazz.

My beliefs are so out of whack and don't make sense and they change all the time.

So, I don't know what to tell her.

I basically break it down and tell her (this is the coward's way out, but this was too deep a discussion to have at 9:15 pm) that Heaven is what you believe it to be. If you want to believe that Heaven is a castle in the clouds with God sitting on a throne, than that's what you can believe. If you believe it is sitting in a diner eating apple pie all day while watch the Yankees, you can believe that.

Then she said something so profound that I literally couldn't say anything for about a minute.

She said, "I think Heaven is like a window and you get to watch the world and everyone in it all day long."

She's 8....going on 88 some days.

So full of wisdom. Sometimes she says things that make me feel so small and insignificant (in a good way, not a bad way) and she really humbles me.

No wonder I'm in love with her. I don't just love her, I like her and worship her and believe in her. She is my light, my heart, my soul.

And I hate that she's hurting right now.

When I go home tonight, I think we'll have a marathon card playing session of Zeus on the Loose and Sleeping Queens.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Grounded=Good Thing

Today is the last day of light of my life's grounding. This morning she made mention of it being the last day. I brought up again how it's important to listen to what I say and do what I tell her to do....you know, gotta drive the point home.

I think she gets the point, but I'm not sure that she understands grounding is not something she wants to happen.

Case in point......when she was getting ready for school this morning, she mentioned that she actually liked being grounded because it "allowed her to catch up on her reading". Seriously????? I about peed in my pants when I heard this. One because the phrasing of the statement was so adult like but two because no kid ever likes to be grounded.

She says that M, her best friend, always likes to play when she comes over and that gets in the way of her reading.

While I'm ecstatic that my little girl is learning to love reading as much as I do, I want her to balance it out with plenty of play time as well.

I told her that she can always make time for reading (and I make it a priority that we do this) but that she needs to make time for her friends as well.

I can't believe my kid actually liked being grounded. You will note that I'm posting this. That way, when she's 14 and I'm grounding her for some other offense, I can bring this up and say "here, look, when you were 8, you LIKED being grounded" and then she can't say anything! Hahahahahaha......I guess something good came out of this after all.

As an aside, I like how she was able to find something good out of something bad. Shows a sign of maturity on her part that I think a lot of kids lack. Well, at least the kids that I personally know.

Later,

Mama Dawg

I'm Growing Up

Lately I've noticed something. I'm growing up.

Yes, yes, I know. I'm 30 years old (soon to be 31). I should have been grown up by now. I've been through a (very short) marriage, I've had a baby, gotten a divorce, suffered a natural disaster and made a life changing decision. Despite all of that, I still felt like a child inside.

I'm an only child and as such, tend to be selfish. I know this about my self. I'm fully aware of my flaws. And believe me, I have plenty.

Ever since I made the life changing decision to pull up the only roots my daughter has ever known and move to a much smaller town and life style, I've changed. Maybe not on the outside but inside something has shifted.

It's as if I've woken from a deep sleep and have just now started to notice the beauty that is life. Man, that sounds so corny and cheesy and all those other "food" words you use to describe incredibly goofy crap.

I've started taking an interest in life outside of my little bubble.

I never cared for yard work yet I find myself every day outside (since the time change) working in the yard. Either cleaning it up or pruning or planting.

I was never the world's best housekeeper and I'm still not, but I clean more.

I listen to NPR (shut up) and like it.

I've gotten interested in politics (but not enough to talk about it here).

For the last year or so, I've been more interested in non-fiction than fiction.

Granted, I know that this isn't a big change and it's not something noticeable, but it's different for me.

I've also noticed that I don't care as much about the little things. Annoying co-workers.....I just ignore them. When I lived elsewhere and worked for a different company, my co-workers bugged the hell out of me. I was more concerned about what was going on with them (their work, not their personal life) than I was with anything I was doing. Every little thing bugged the hell out of me and I would take it home. Now, at 4 pm, I shut everything down and leave. I have the hour drive home to decompress....although I'm finding that I don't need it.

I'm not as short with light of my life.

I'm actually taking an interest in the city I live in.

I don't know what it is exactly, but I'm chalking it up to growing up.

It's about time.

Later,

Mama Dawg