I Love It When It's All About Me

Pseudonymous High School Teacher sent me some questions for me to answer when I had a free chance. Well, I had a free chance.

Enjoy! P.S. If you're not reading her...why the hell not? First of all, she lives in Hawaii and post the most awesome pics and videos. If that's not enough of a draw....well, dammit, that should be enough right there. I dare you to go read her. She's like a bag of Lay's chips. You can't eat just one. Or, in this case, read just one entry.

1. If you could hook up with anyone for one week of the hottest sex ever, and it could be anywhere, where would you go and who would YOU do? (in honor of Mondays at Mama's)

Hmmmm....Birmingham, AL with an ex-boyfriend from high school who's now a Captain in the Army and is getting ready to be deployed BACK to the Middle East in July.

Oh, did I tell you guys that my ex-boyfriend from high school that's a Captain in the Army made plans for us to meet up in Birmingham next weekend? No? My bad. Sorry.

2. If you could time travel back in time or forward in time for an afternoon of hanging out and chatting, what time period would you visit and who would you visit with?

Hands down, easiest question.

My grandmother when she was young and hot and awesome back during WWII. She had some adventures. And when I say that, I mean clean healthy fun adventures, not wild ones (no sarcasm, my grandmother was a good girl). Her stories are so awesome from back in that time. And she was a stunner, I tell ya. I'd love to watch the men who watched her (not that she would have ever known they were watching her) as she walked down the street.

3. Someone wants to set you up in business and is willing to invest one million dollars. You have to use this to start your own business. What business would you go into?

I'd love to say my jewelry making, but if I'm gonna be realistic about this, I would have to say setting up some sort of warehouse/shipping business over the Internet. People always need things to be stored and then shipped when sold. But, I've not given this much thought. It was just off the top of my head.

4. You are going to be given one superpower. What do you want and why?

Invisibility. I'm a voyeur.

5. If you won a two week vacation with LOML to anywhere, where would you like to take her?

As much as I hate to be cliched, I gotta go with Disney World. I would love to take her some place new and different and with some more history, but if it's a free trip for two weeks and I want a guarantee we'll have an incredible time? Yeah, it's Disney. It NEVER fails to put a smile on our faces.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Question MeMe

While visiting over at Manic Mariah's place one day, she had been tagged with a Question Meme and if you were one of the first 5 that commented, she would send you a set of questions.

Well, for once in my life, I was actually in her top 5! This girl gets more comments than I've ever seen and she's so much fun. Her home life is so hectic and dramatic and fun and crazy and wild but you can tell it's a home. I love reading her blog.

Anyway, she sent me a list of questions, so here we go!

1) What one fear would you like to conquer? Oh, wow. Fear. Hmmmm......I'm not really afraid of anything like heights or black cats crossing my path or anything like that. I abhor roaches but will kill one if I have to. I'm scared of stuff in the dark that I can't see but can hear, but that's part and parcel of life in the country. I just suck it up and continue to walk in the dark anyway. I fear something happening to my kid, but that's a normal fear for any parent, so how can you conquer that? I guess I don't really fear too much. At least nothing that needs to be conquered.

2)Do you possess any qualities of your astrological sign? Do I? That's a laugh. I do. I really do. Per Wikipedia, here are some traits that Gemini's possess.

Adaptable----yeah, I'm pretty adaptable. I go with the flow.
Communicative----I have a blog, nuff said.
Inquisitive----yep, I'm nosy!
Intellectual, mentally oriented----when I get my head out of my ass long enough, I can be mentally oriented.
Fickle and inconsistent----Every day. Seriously, every day.
Curious----Just call me Alice.
Charming----Some say I am. I choose to believe 'em.
Nervous and tense----I can be. And when I am, I always feel the need to pee or barf or both at the same time.
Superficial----I can be. For real. I can be. But, I try to curb that part of me. I think I do a pretty good job.
Multitasking----yeah, it's kind of what I'm known for, at least when I was at my last job.
Youthful----I always get that I don't seem as old as I am. I don't think they're referring to my looks. You all know how childish I can be on here.
Entertaining----I try. I don't know if I always succeed, but I try.
Upbeat----For the most part, I am. I have days that get me down.
Witty----That's something I can't judge for myself.
Imaginative----Yep. I have a vivid imagination. I mostly keep it to myself, though. It's weird.
Optimistic----I always see the glass half full. Always have.
Clever----I can be. If I put my mind to it.
Self-interested----Who isn't?
Restless----Yeah. And it's probably one of my biggest faults.
Can become cynical, biting, moody (duality)----If you know me personally, you know this to be true.

3)Which long lost childhood object would you most like to find? Nothing. I have all the things I considered precious.

4)What is so great about your favorite underwear? It's comfortable. I really don't have a specific pair. To me, underwear is just underwear. It serves a purpose and as long as it's not riding up my ass, I don't care what kind it is or what it looks like.

5) How are you going to handle it when Light of Your Life starts dating? Pretty good, I think. We live in a small town, so it'll be hard for her to date someone I don't know. Or whose family I don't know. If we lived in a metropolitan area, I might freak out more.

If you want me to send you some questions, just leave me a comment. The first 5 people to say that they want to be interviewed will get a set of questions by the end of the week!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Eat Your Heart Out, Ryan Seacrest

I've been interviewed TWICE in the past week!

Granted, I signed up for both of them and they weren't interviewing me because I'm THAT fascinating. It's because I jumped down their throats when they offered to do an interview with a blogger.

The first set of questions is from the ever fascinating Jess over at This Life is Mine.


What was the funniest thing you have ever experienced?

What had me on the floor laughing my ass off? So many things. I love to laugh and find humor in some of the most mundane things. Recently it was a passage from a book by George Carlin. I was laughing so hard, I couldn't stop. It actually brought tears to my eyes. LOML got concerned cause I wouldn't stop.

If you had a million dollars what would you do with it?

If it was a cool million, I'd find some way to turn it into more money so I could take care of my family and friends but then build a no-kill animal shelter that I ran. I heard about this awesome idea that this guy in NC or VA had. He houses military pets. You know, when a guy or girl does a tour of duty but they have no one to take their dog or cat or whatever while they're gone for 15 months. He takes them in and houses them for FREE until they get back from their tour. This way, the military people don't have to give up their pets. I LOVE this idea.

What is your favorite breakfast food?

My favorite breakfast food has to be homemade blueberry scones and French roast coffee. But my most frequent breakfast is an egg sandwich on wheat bread. Yeah, I know. It's why I'm overweight.

If we went out on the town, what would we do for fun?

Oh, girl. What WOULDN'T we do is the question. That's easier to answer. And that answer is NOTHING! We would do it all! Really paint the town red! We'd make the local news we'd have so much fun.

What song always puts a smile on your face?

It's not so much a song as it is artists. Artists whose songs never fail to put a smile on my face are Billy Joel, Jonny Lang, Jimmy Buffett and the Eagles.

What artists make me bounce in my seat from wanting to dance? Any kind of hip-hop. Chris Brown, T.I., Beyonce (Single Ladies is like my fav song right now), Britney, Lil' Wayne, etc.....

What would I find in your refrigerator right now?

Almost empty bags of lettuce, roasted red pepper spread, milk, your regular condiments, half and half, leftovers, blood orange soda, lemonade, breads, veggies, cheese...it's pretty full right now.

How would you describe yourself in three words?

Tired, strange, fun.

The second set of questions is from Heinous over at IPR. Don't make me type out the name of his blog. I get confused and lost and next thing you know, I'm off on a tangent talking about my intense dislike of Chris Martin.

Wait, what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, Heinous from IPR sent me this second set of questions. If you aren't reading this guy, you should. He's good. Real good.

What is the bravest thing that you feel you've ever done? Physically, emotionally, or whatever.

Wow. I have to say quitting my job without a safety net in 2007 and moving to the backwoods country after having lived in New Orleans for 9 years. I uprooted my daughter and myself to move to a place where there's no job opportunities and is below the national poverty line. However, I've never been happier.

What one talent do you wish you had that you don't?

I wish I could sing. But, I can't. I could literally make someone drop dead from the horribleness that is my singing. I still miss my Aunt Gladys.

We all have our reasons for blogging but what would be your ultimate goal for your blog or as a blogger?

Well, we all have secret dreams of becoming the next Dooce, but, in reality, I don't have a goal. I'm just having fun. When I get bored of this, I'll move on to something else.

You can trade lives with any one person for a month. Who would it be and why?

I would trade lives with my daughter. I would love to see what she sees and feel what she feels and do what she does. She seems to have such a good life.

There's a fire and your family is safe but you have the chance to save any one item from your house. What would it be and why?

My camera bag.

You have the chance to go back in time and warn yourself before making a bad choice. What choice would it be and what would you tell yourself?

I would not tell my ex-husband I was pregnant. I would have just kept it to myself and broke up with him (we got married when I was 5 months preggo) before I started showing. Yeah, that seems harsh, but he hasn't been around in 8 years. It's already like he doesn't know.

Good questions guys.

If anyone wants me to do an interview for them, just drop me a line in the comments and I'll come up with some questions.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Sucking Heads and Canadian Accents

Hi,Ho! Kermit theeee Frog here...

not really. I just always wanted to open with that line. Why, I don't know.

A while ago (like a billion years), I stumbled across this website called Citizen of the Month written, directed AND produced by Neil Kramer.

He started this HUGE project of getting strange (like strangers, not like weird...well, maybe that, too) bloggers to interview each other and then he would put up the links for the interviews.

I went and signed up and lo and behold, Middle Age Woman of Unmitigated signed up RIGHT BEHIND ME (SEE, SEE...she does stalk me!).

Awesome! And weird. Because I was already a regular reader of hers.

Anyhooooooo....a while ago (again) on her blog, she posted up the interview she did with a fellow blogger (who I now read) and it shamed me into coming up with a bunch of questions to ask this blogger who I'm a little intimidated by. So, with fear in my heart and extremely sweaty palms, I sent her the following questions.

My questions are in red.
Her answers are in turquoise.
My responses to her answers are in purple.

Ok, ok, you can quit shooting me daggers. I finally came up with some questions.

What the Hell am I gonna do with all these leftover daggers? Jeez, you put a real crimp in a person’s style, here.

Keep in mind, that after you answer these and when I do my post, I'll be responding to some of your responses. I may be funny, I may be serious. Depends on my mood.

1. I know that you became a teacher not that long ago and since I can do math (not well, I might add...get it? Add?) and know that since your daughter is 18 and your son is 16, that you made this career change later in life, I want to know what made you decide to do this? Was it a specific even that triggered this? Was it a life long dream?

This is going to sound so lame. I was working part time in a CD store when the kids were little (I was in my thirties), and one of the (much younger) girls came in to work with her homework. She was in college working toward a teaching degree. I don’t know why it struck me as a good idea. Probably because it meant I could quit my job and go to school. I hadn’t done something that felt like it was just for me for a long time. Before the kids were born, I worked in a series of office jobs that I hated with the red-hot fire of a thousand suns. I am beginning to think that every endeavor I have taken on was an excuse to get out of the one I was in. Shit.

2. Do you think I'm funny?

Of course. And HAWT, too! (Somewhat related) I really wanted to show my students that video of Jessie the squirrel, but SOMEONE injudiciously mentioned her own boobs in the audio, so, no.

It's true. If you go back and listen, I do mention my boobies. I said MENTION, not SHOW!

3. Do the kids you teach motivate you in any way? If so, how?

They mostly motivate me to be goofy, which is fun for me and them. Sometimes, when I see what some of them have to live with at home (divorces, abuse, poverty, etc.) they motivate me to be grateful for what I have. Don’t start feeling sorry for me, though. I work in a pretty wealthy area of the state, so the issues I see are usually pretty tame compared to what inner-city teachers deal with.

4. If you could pick one song to sum up your life, what would it be and why?

Right now I have to go with the song my husband requested be dedicated to us on our first anniversary. Sung by Randy Newman, whom we saw in concert that night, it’s called Wedding at Cherokee County. Here are the lyrics:

There she is sitting there
Out behind the smoke house in her rocking chair
She don't do nothin'
She don't say nothin'
She don't feel nothin'
She don't know nothin'
Maybe she's crazy I don't know
But maybe that's why I love her so
Her papa was a midget
Her mama was a whore
Her granddad was a newsboy 'til he was eighty four (what a slimy ol’ bastard he was)
Man don't you think I know she hates me
Man don't you think I know that she's no good
If she knew how she'd be unfaithful to me
I think she'd kill me if she could
Maybe she's crazy I don't know
But maybe that's why I love her so
I'm not afraid of the grey wolf
Who stalks through our forest at dawn
As long as I have her beside me
I have the strength to carry on
Today we will be married
And all the freaks that she knows will be there
And all the people from the village will be there
To congratulate us
I will carry her across the threshold
I will make dim the light
I will attempt to spend my love within her
But though I try with all my might
She will laugh at my mighty sword
She will laugh at my mighty sword
Why must everybody laugh at my mighty sword?
Lord, help me if you will
Maybe we're both crazy, I don't know
Maybe that's why I love her so

I love this song. Never heard it, but the lyrics are hilarious as hell. Might have to download this one.

5. What about your students do you admire?

I admire how many of them are able to be successful at school, because at their age, I certainly was not! They can actually sit there, complete the work that is assigned, do their homework, and turn it in when it is due, having done a pretty good job—80% of them can. By the end of the year, 90% of them can.

6. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 563. What is it?

Based on the fact that you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, have one female child, have taken in an orphan squirrel to raise, and are willing to interview me, I’m going to say I have no idea. I’m getting a zit on my chin. I think it’s because of this question.

Yeah, I have that effect on people. So I'm told.

7. What about your students annoy you?

Example: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, when you are done with the quiz, please place it on the back counter, and you may choose from any of the activities listed here while you wait for your classmates to finish (ALL of this is written on the overhead projector as I speak, the instructions, the choices, everything). After the quiz: Where do I put this quiz? Can I read my book? Where does the quiz go when I am done? What am I supposed to do now? And on, and on, every FREAKING day! Really, though? I can deal with all that.

8. Have you ever sucked the head of a crawfish?

Is this a southern-belle way of referring to a bl*w-job? Because it doesn’t make it sound anymore appetizing.

I about peed in my pants when I read this response. I know for a fact that I snorted LOUDLY. Ummmm....not, it's not a southern term for a BJ. It's what you do with a crawfish. However, it is good practice for BJ's.

9. Any advice to pass on to someone wanting to make a change in their life by becoming a teacher?

Yes. Run. Run fast and far. Teaching is really not very much about teaching. A lot of it is jumping through federal and state government hoops, dealing with parents and administrators, and dumb-ass meetings. I guess it’s worth it when you make a connection with a kid who really needs you.

10. Tell me about a time when you got stinking drunk. Anything interesting happen or did you just throw up?

The last time I got stinking drunk was about a month after my dad died. I was not really dealing with it too well. Nothing spectacular happened, I just had trouble falling asleep because the damn room kept spinning. And I had a headache in the morning. A couple days ago, something kind of interesting DID happen. I sat in my own living room for over two hours and failed to notice that Handy Jeff had been by to work in the bathroom on the Hellmouth. What didn’t I notice? Drywall, a ladder, a shop vac, a pile of tools, and a big bucket of drywall mud. I took a nap before dinner, and finally noticed it when I woke up. I called him to ask if he’d been by while I was sleeping. Nope, he’d left it that morning. I’m just losing my mind.

Now, that's what I call DRUNK. Finally, a role model.

11. Lastly, what do you REALLY think about Captain Dumbass?

I want the Cap’n to record his voice so I can hear it in my dreams. Between that deep timbre and the Canadian accent, it makes me wild with ecstasy. He’s not going to read this, is he?

No. No, he's not going to read this at all. Your secret is safe with me.

I want to thank everyone who helped me with this interview. I couldn't have done it without you. The checks are in the mail....pinky swear.

Later,