Sucking Heads and Canadian Accents

Hi,Ho! Kermit theeee Frog here...

not really. I just always wanted to open with that line. Why, I don't know.

A while ago (like a billion years), I stumbled across this website called Citizen of the Month written, directed AND produced by Neil Kramer.

He started this HUGE project of getting strange (like strangers, not like weird...well, maybe that, too) bloggers to interview each other and then he would put up the links for the interviews.

I went and signed up and lo and behold, Middle Age Woman of Unmitigated signed up RIGHT BEHIND ME (SEE, SEE...she does stalk me!).

Awesome! And weird. Because I was already a regular reader of hers.

Anyhooooooo....a while ago (again) on her blog, she posted up the interview she did with a fellow blogger (who I now read) and it shamed me into coming up with a bunch of questions to ask this blogger who I'm a little intimidated by. So, with fear in my heart and extremely sweaty palms, I sent her the following questions.

My questions are in red.
Her answers are in turquoise.
My responses to her answers are in purple.

Ok, ok, you can quit shooting me daggers. I finally came up with some questions.

What the Hell am I gonna do with all these leftover daggers? Jeez, you put a real crimp in a person’s style, here.

Keep in mind, that after you answer these and when I do my post, I'll be responding to some of your responses. I may be funny, I may be serious. Depends on my mood.

1. I know that you became a teacher not that long ago and since I can do math (not well, I might add...get it? Add?) and know that since your daughter is 18 and your son is 16, that you made this career change later in life, I want to know what made you decide to do this? Was it a specific even that triggered this? Was it a life long dream?

This is going to sound so lame. I was working part time in a CD store when the kids were little (I was in my thirties), and one of the (much younger) girls came in to work with her homework. She was in college working toward a teaching degree. I don’t know why it struck me as a good idea. Probably because it meant I could quit my job and go to school. I hadn’t done something that felt like it was just for me for a long time. Before the kids were born, I worked in a series of office jobs that I hated with the red-hot fire of a thousand suns. I am beginning to think that every endeavor I have taken on was an excuse to get out of the one I was in. Shit.

2. Do you think I'm funny?

Of course. And HAWT, too! (Somewhat related) I really wanted to show my students that video of Jessie the squirrel, but SOMEONE injudiciously mentioned her own boobs in the audio, so, no.

It's true. If you go back and listen, I do mention my boobies. I said MENTION, not SHOW!

3. Do the kids you teach motivate you in any way? If so, how?

They mostly motivate me to be goofy, which is fun for me and them. Sometimes, when I see what some of them have to live with at home (divorces, abuse, poverty, etc.) they motivate me to be grateful for what I have. Don’t start feeling sorry for me, though. I work in a pretty wealthy area of the state, so the issues I see are usually pretty tame compared to what inner-city teachers deal with.

4. If you could pick one song to sum up your life, what would it be and why?

Right now I have to go with the song my husband requested be dedicated to us on our first anniversary. Sung by Randy Newman, whom we saw in concert that night, it’s called Wedding at Cherokee County. Here are the lyrics:

There she is sitting there
Out behind the smoke house in her rocking chair
She don't do nothin'
She don't say nothin'
She don't feel nothin'
She don't know nothin'
Maybe she's crazy I don't know
But maybe that's why I love her so
Her papa was a midget
Her mama was a whore
Her granddad was a newsboy 'til he was eighty four (what a slimy ol’ bastard he was)
Man don't you think I know she hates me
Man don't you think I know that she's no good
If she knew how she'd be unfaithful to me
I think she'd kill me if she could
Maybe she's crazy I don't know
But maybe that's why I love her so
I'm not afraid of the grey wolf
Who stalks through our forest at dawn
As long as I have her beside me
I have the strength to carry on
Today we will be married
And all the freaks that she knows will be there
And all the people from the village will be there
To congratulate us
I will carry her across the threshold
I will make dim the light
I will attempt to spend my love within her
But though I try with all my might
She will laugh at my mighty sword
She will laugh at my mighty sword
Why must everybody laugh at my mighty sword?
Lord, help me if you will
Maybe we're both crazy, I don't know
Maybe that's why I love her so

I love this song. Never heard it, but the lyrics are hilarious as hell. Might have to download this one.

5. What about your students do you admire?

I admire how many of them are able to be successful at school, because at their age, I certainly was not! They can actually sit there, complete the work that is assigned, do their homework, and turn it in when it is due, having done a pretty good job—80% of them can. By the end of the year, 90% of them can.

6. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 563. What is it?

Based on the fact that you live south of the Mason-Dixon line, have one female child, have taken in an orphan squirrel to raise, and are willing to interview me, I’m going to say I have no idea. I’m getting a zit on my chin. I think it’s because of this question.

Yeah, I have that effect on people. So I'm told.

7. What about your students annoy you?

Example: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, when you are done with the quiz, please place it on the back counter, and you may choose from any of the activities listed here while you wait for your classmates to finish (ALL of this is written on the overhead projector as I speak, the instructions, the choices, everything). After the quiz: Where do I put this quiz? Can I read my book? Where does the quiz go when I am done? What am I supposed to do now? And on, and on, every FREAKING day! Really, though? I can deal with all that.

8. Have you ever sucked the head of a crawfish?

Is this a southern-belle way of referring to a bl*w-job? Because it doesn’t make it sound anymore appetizing.

I about peed in my pants when I read this response. I know for a fact that I snorted LOUDLY. Ummmm....not, it's not a southern term for a BJ. It's what you do with a crawfish. However, it is good practice for BJ's.

9. Any advice to pass on to someone wanting to make a change in their life by becoming a teacher?

Yes. Run. Run fast and far. Teaching is really not very much about teaching. A lot of it is jumping through federal and state government hoops, dealing with parents and administrators, and dumb-ass meetings. I guess it’s worth it when you make a connection with a kid who really needs you.

10. Tell me about a time when you got stinking drunk. Anything interesting happen or did you just throw up?

The last time I got stinking drunk was about a month after my dad died. I was not really dealing with it too well. Nothing spectacular happened, I just had trouble falling asleep because the damn room kept spinning. And I had a headache in the morning. A couple days ago, something kind of interesting DID happen. I sat in my own living room for over two hours and failed to notice that Handy Jeff had been by to work in the bathroom on the Hellmouth. What didn’t I notice? Drywall, a ladder, a shop vac, a pile of tools, and a big bucket of drywall mud. I took a nap before dinner, and finally noticed it when I woke up. I called him to ask if he’d been by while I was sleeping. Nope, he’d left it that morning. I’m just losing my mind.

Now, that's what I call DRUNK. Finally, a role model.

11. Lastly, what do you REALLY think about Captain Dumbass?

I want the Cap’n to record his voice so I can hear it in my dreams. Between that deep timbre and the Canadian accent, it makes me wild with ecstasy. He’s not going to read this, is he?

No. No, he's not going to read this at all. Your secret is safe with me.

I want to thank everyone who helped me with this interview. I couldn't have done it without you. The checks are in the mail....pinky swear.

Later,