Friday, November 7, 2008

Shhh....I Won't Say A Word

I don’t know if you can tell or not, but my blog has taken a turn for the…worse? better? strange? bizarre?

It’s that darn MamaKat over at Mama’s Losin’ It.

She has this writer’s workshop thingie she does.

I’ve known about it for a while but haven’t participated because I’m not that creative with my words.

Plus, I usually have to have a “feeling” about what I’m going to write. I started this blog off by writing about my weekend or the tiny town I live in or my daughter. I never had any feelings about what I was going to write.

It’s grown into something much stranger since then.

I still talk about that kind of stuff, but the creativity has kicked in.

I will never claim that it’s “good” writing. Cause, quite frankly, it’s not.

But, I’m not out to win any awards or anything.

Back to the workshop.

One of last week’s choices struck a chord in me and I wrote that post about the glass on the edge of the table.

I felt compelled to write it that way. Something in me just burst out and forced me to type that out.

I have NO clue where it came from.

Again, it’s not good. But, that’s not the point of writing, is it?

Then, I had this bizarre idea for a guest post for Captain Dumbass.

I’ve never written anything like that before.

I have those kinds of thoughts. I have them all the time.

I have all sorts of thoughts in my head.

Which leads me to the title of my post.

I have secrets.

Dark secrets.

Dirty secrets.

Shameful secrets.

Secrets I’ve NEVER shared with ANYONE. Not even on the ‘net with all it’s anonymity.

Secrets that are mine alone.

I also have secrets that a few people know about.

Most, my mother doesn’t know.

Most, my neighbor (Hi, L!) doesn’t know.

Most, you don’t know.

I’ve never had the desire to share my secrets with more than a few choice people. People I know could keep their mouths shut. People I had “secrets” on so I had a source of blackmail (as it were) if they were to ever talk.

Sounds bad, right?

It is.

Most of my secrets are of a certain nature.

Before you all freak out, none of them are illegal.

At least, not in most states.

I’m sure a few are illegal in some states.

I also have bad thoughts.

Real dark thoughts.

Real dirty thoughts.

Real shameful thoughts.

And because I don’t tell anyone these thoughts or secrets, I have to know.

Am I the only one?

Cause it feels that way sometimes.

I know that statistically speaking, I’m not the only one.

My thoughts are not original to me.

Before we go further, I’m not looking for absolution.

I don’t know why I said before we go further since I’m really not.

Except……

….something in me wants me to write down some stuff.

But……

…..I can’t do that.

Cause as much as I claim to NOT care what people think of me…I do.

To a degree.

My life wouldn’t end if people thought badly of me.

But it would hurt for a bit.

I’d eventually get over it.

Cause that’s how I roll.

Sigh…….

As Audrey asked in Breakfast at Tiffany’s:

“You know those days when you get the mean reds?”

Yeah, I got them.

Later,

25 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Outnumbered2to1

I actually have secrets that only one person knows. My grandma kept a diary her whole life, when she passed away two weeks ago, we should have destroyed them (per her wishes). However, my grandpa didn't want to destroy the family history. He wants me to read through them and if they are okay, pass them on to family memebers. I am totally procrastinating because I DON'T want to know her secrets. We'll see what happens. But you aren't alone.

sassy stephanie

Ok, seriously, we are bloggy soul sisters. I could usually give a F what people think of me, until that is, that someone gets mad at me. It kills me to find out I did something to upset someone. I can't stand it.

Jennifer and Sandi

What in the heck are you talking about!! Sorry, it's early!!

HAVE A SUPER WEEKEND!!

- Jennifer

Middle Aged Woman

This isn't a post. It's a poem.

Lisa

Oh girlfriend, don't we all have secrets? Or dirty thoughts? Things we wouldn't want the general public or close ones to know? You are not alone, my friend.

Lo

you should check out www.thisisreverb.com, super cool dude did a post about secrets just yesterday. plus i just love him. you will too.

dude have you ever read the children's book that's about the porcupine who wants to be in the xmas pagent but he can't bc he's so prickly? and no one likes him bc he's so prickly? but his momma does, and she says he's the light of her life???

bc my mom used to call me the light of her life when i was a little kid. dude i've got tears in my eyes right now just thinkin' about it. you must read it to your daughter. i jsut adore it.

Jess

Ohgirlfriend! I am so young and I have a shit-ton of secrets. Makes me actually want to tell some of them to make you feel better...but I can't! :)

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

Looking forward to your dark secrets mama. You did a great job enticing us. BTW I linked the awaards back to you in my sidebar. i am really impressed with how much I've learned to on the computer the last couple of months.

Tricia

It wounds like there are some wonderful creative juices mixing in your mind, and we all have secrets. It takes a heck of a lot of guts to blog about them.

Lo

i'm gonna. um. post again. cuz i'm crazy. i just thought maybe you'd feel better if someone let one rip. (dude! a secret! dirty mind you)

uhm, i have an eating disorder and no one knows. NO ONE. like.. no one. and no one would ever ever think i did.

i'm a white liar. i don't know why. i'll say 'yeah and omg i totally went to do this' and etc but i really never did it. i don't know why. it's really weird. it's like i fib. i make up tiny things to make a story better. it's actually quite strange. and i'm very ashamed of it. bc i am totally against being anything but absolutely truthful... and yet... i fib like a 5 yr old.

Lump

I have a lot of secrets that no one knows about. We ALL have secrets. We ALL have dark/dirty thoughts. We are only human. And I think that everyone deep down cares just a tiny bit what others think about him or her. It's normal. :)

Captain Dumbass

Why don't you start another blog, but anonymously so you can get the really dark stuff out so it doesn't creep out from under you bed one night like Venom and take you over. Not that that wouldn't be really cool, but I'm trying to help. It's what I did. Muah ha ha haaaaaa!

Trooper Thorn

Mama, the difference between a Good Person (that's you) and a Bad Person (the list is too long but let's start with John Wayne Gacey and end with the person who put a camera in the cell phone) is that you actually consider the secrets you don't share to be 'dark'.

The Bad Person wants to share all their innermost thoughts and desires (usually in a destructive, violent way) while the Good Person (that's you again) frets and worries about their shameful, human urges.

As long as you keep worrying and feeling shame, you'll be alright.

Swirl Girl

I think one thing that unites us all as humans (including the ability to smile and laugh) is that we all have secrets. I agree with Trooper that good people feel bad about having them and bad people don't.

You - are good.

I am THE BEST secret keeper ever, but the way.

manic mariah

It's hard not to give a shit what people think, but it's human nature to care. At least for a minute or two. I have a shit load of bad thoughts, mine are dark too. You are not alone

Heinous

Everyone's got secrets. I don't really care what people think of me. Don't get me wrong, I love people. It's just that you take me as I am and if it's not your gig, so be it. I try to live well, but I haven't always been that way.

Momo Fali

Hmmm...well I, for one, am very interested! It's true that everyone has secrets, and I LOVE to hear people's secrets, but I wouldn't want you to do anything you'll regret either. But, I wouldn't judge you one bit...no matter what your secrets are, because that's the way I roll.

Rhea

We wouldn't be human if we didn't have some dirty or dark secrets and thoughts. Only those in denial don't. Those damn goody twoshoes.

greedygrace

We all have secrets... some more than others. But most of us started a blog because we couldn't afford the psychiatrist bills, so I think we're all a little nutty and need the release! Go ahead and share your dark secrets if you want! Mum's the word!

Stefanie

first of all you are def. not the only one with weird thughts sometime i tell people what im thinking they tell me they would pay to be in my brain for five minutes...b/c i think the weirdest shit!

and honestly anyone who reads this has already fallin inlove with your writing skills and 99% of us are intrigued with your life so we cant exactly judge you for who you are the things you've done it's whats kept us interest for at least 5 minutes of everyday...so screw everyone else and write what your heart desires!

love you miss you

TattooedMinivanMom

spill it yo

starrlife

I with Captain Dumbass- speaking as someone who has done so! BTW- My cat's last year or so broke my heart big time but gave me so much in return! I have some posts re: my experiences. I'll re-post for ya...

Mama Dog

I think we might be related! I'm Mama Dog from 66 Dogs and I just found you through a comment on Just Juli. I just made up Mama Dog to go with the Dog theme and didn't know that you already existed. Love your blog!

The Stiletto Mom

I'm hooked. Must come back now to see dark posts. Don't we all have our secrets?? Makes life interesting!!

Kelly

The world would be a very boring place if we all did not have secrets! Secrets are fun little bits that we share with ourselves, like our own exclusive club with one member. Oh.. I have LOTS of dirty little secrets...teehee!

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