Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Mama Dawg's Rider

As many of you know (all 3 of you), I made it onto the Good Mom/Bad Mom list.

Here's my badge as proof.



MAW over at Unmitigated nominated my guest-post I did for Captain Dumbass over at Us and Them.

I think she did it only so I would do yet ANOTHER link to her blog from mine.

She’s such a link whore.

No offense.

Well, yes, some.

Anyhoo…since I’m all famous and stuff now, I have decided that until further notice (like when I get even more famous), this list shall stand as my official rider.

1. There must be at least a minimum of 3 beta fish swimming in different shaped bowls through out her dressing room. One must have glass stones of red, one of blue and one of green. The fish should be of complimentary colors to each bowl with the different stones. The fish must all be male.

2. The room must be painted the same teal color as her old Geo Storm (affectionately known as the Teal Mobile). There must be a minimum of 3 racing stripes at shoulder height. That’s Mama Dawg’s shoulder height, mind you.

3. There must be a stock of Archer Farms Blood Orange Italian Soda inside of the mini-fridge. It must stay fully stocked at all times.

4. There must be a mini-fridge. It must be brown paneling in color with a black handle. (Lowly assistant, Brigita, please reverse numbers 3 & 4 on the rider before posting.)

5. There shall be a revolving disco ball in the center of the room on the ceiling. This shall be the only major light source.

6. There shall be a minimum of 6 lava lamps scattered randomly throughout the room.

7. Every Harry Potter book ever written (including all the companion books, authorized AND unauthorized) must be in a white metal bookcase.

8. There must be at least one set of Snitch gold plated book ends to hold all the books in place. If you can not find a set of Snitch gold plated book ends, either make some yourself or you’re fired.

9. There must be at a minimum, 50 different pictures of Light of her Life framed and hung on the walls. All pictures must be either 3 x 5’s, 5 x 7’s or 8 x 10’s. They must all be in black plastic frames. The kind that you set the picture in to and then put a piece of glass on top. You can find these at any Wal-Mart in the country.

10. There must be one metallic teal iPod downloaded with nothing but Jimmy Buffet songs, one metallic pink iPod downloaded with nothing but Madonna songs, one silver iPod downloaded with nothing but hip hop songs (including all of Chris Brown, Snoop Dogg and Kevin Rudolph). In addition, there must be one metallic green iPod downloaded with nothing but the sound track to the following movies:

Dune
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
Blade
Blade III
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Dukes of Hazzard (with Jessica Simpson)
and
Manos: The Hands of Fate

11. There must be a DVD player hooked up to a 27 inch TV.

12. The following movies must always be made available to her:

2 Fast, 2 Furious
Alfie
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Crossroads
The Little Mermaid
and
The Aristocrats

13. A four poster turn of the century bed with black silk sheets and at a minimum, 15 pink fuzzy pillows.

14. A naked and always “at attention” Christian Bale any man in said bed.

15. Peanut M & M’s with the peanuts removed and the shells intact.

If anyone takes exception to any of these demands, screw you.

Thanks and see ya on the circuit (whatever one that may be!).

Later,



Brigita, dammit, you're FIRED!

25 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Cocotte

I'm heading to Target this morning. Now I have to add that Archer Farms soda to my list just to see what the fuss is about.

Glad to see you aren't letting fame go to your head, Mama!

Middle Aged Woman

It is SO hard to find good help these days.

Vodka Mom

OMG!! I LOVE your list. I wanted to comment on what items I loved, and then LOVED THEM ALL! Especially the naked man at the ready waiting in your bed!! Just stay put- I"ll be right over with bloody mary's!!

That was a great post.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

I've never heard of the soda, but it sounds like something I would want. We have limited selections of just about everything over here.

And, dude, how big is this dressing room? And if it is big enough to fit all this crap, why a 27 inch TV??

PS I've got two beta fish you can borrow. I'm starting to forget to feed them.

Ms. Partly Cloudy

Blood Orange Italian Soda? Never had such a thing, but the mere thought is making me drool like a madwoman.

Captain Dumbass

Aside from the naked man, that's a pretty awesome list. I've never heard of that soda, but it sounds good.

goodfather

Hey, congrats on getting onto the Good Mom/Bad Mom list! That's one sexy badge! I love your list too. Nothing wrong with a naked man here and there. Heck, I'm a naked man inside my clothes right now.

Kat

I love the peanut m&m demand! My youngest doesn't like peanuts. But she'll eat my m&ms. And I'll find peanuts all over the house where she has spit them out. Don't you want to come and visit?

Lump

hahahah this rider is not demanding at all. ;) I would so give you your peanut m&ms with the peanuts removed.

sassy stephanie

Damn girl. You're gettin' a lil too big for your britches. I love you.

Who ever would think you were high maintenance?

No Cheshire cat?

Lo

oh my goodness, where do i buy the blood orange soda??? I MUST TRY.

and DUDE. i was over @sunshine & lemonade and saw that you said you're doin' disney in may.

IM DOING DISNEY IN MAY. when are you going? world or land?

Mommy Mo

#9 is a thorn in my side. We used to have these frames back in the day and what a pain is the ass to get the glass bac on without moving the picture- doh!

Lo

uhm. mama dawg. first of all. my email is laurengailc@gmail.com. secondly.

i am going to disney. WORLD. the week of. around. memorial day.

we will be at disneyworld at the SAME. TIME.

Lo

oh and of course we're stayin' at the polynesian. :) :) :)

Heinous

Congrats!

I'll get on that list. I'm a terrible procrastinator though. If you could take care of 1-15 for me I'll pick up the rest for you.

Mama Dawg

No one likes a smartass heinous...oh, wait, yes we do!

Kat

You're such a DIVA! I especially like demand #15.

Swirl Girl

What a diva you are indeed!

My needs would be the same, but I only want to the blue peanut m&m's and frozen butterfinger candybars.

-oh , and there better not be any merlot. If they have frickin' merlot, I am outta there!

TattooedMinivanMom

What? No stripper pole?

Sprite's Keeper

So.... I guess you're hiring?
I work for peanuts.. (Including the extracted M&M variety!)

anita doberman

Love your list! All of it!

The Stiletto Mom

Crap. I did it ALL WRONG when I made Good Mom/Bad Mom...lesson learned.

Awesome, awesome post...and? you will be featured on my blog tomorrow...thanks for the great idea!

Shannon

These all sound like reasonable demands to me...

LiteralDan

"Manos: The Hands of Fate", really??

The rest of the list seems perfectly reasonable, and I can't imagine anyone objecting. Who can't whip up some Golden Snitch bookends on a lunch break??

Rhea

LOVE this list. It should be made into a meme, because everyone would have so much fun answering this one.

I love your demands. I'll take Brigita's job once you've made it. hehe

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