House Cleaning Friday

Happy day after Thanksgiving, y'all!

This is a pre-post. Don't get all excited.

It's just time for some house cleaning. Believe it or not, I've actually gotten a couple of more awards that I need to acknowledge and pass around.

The first is from Even the Nice Ones.



Isn't she so chic and pretty? Very unlike me. But the award is BEE-YOU-TEE-FUL nevertheless (did they ever determine if that was an actual word or not?).

This one comes with rules AND a game of sorts.

1. You have to pass it on to 5 other fabulous blogs in a post.

2. You have to list 5 of your fabulous addictions in the post.

3. You must copy and paste the rules and the instructions below in the post.

Instructions:On your post of receiving this award, make sure you include the person that gave you the award and link it back to them. When you post your five winners, make sure you link them as well. To add the award to your post, simply right-click, save image, then "add image" it in your post as a picture so your winners can save it as well. To add it to your sidebar, add the "picture" gidget.Also, don't forget to let your winners know they won an award from you by emailing them or leaving a comment on their blog.

So grateful for the instructions on how to post the awards. Cause I don't know how to do that. (is sarcasm lost on the Internet? I think so.)

Anyhoo, I'll be a good little girl and follow the rules (for once in my life).

Here's my addictions first:

1. Water...for drinking and bathing and swimming. No, not all together. I know who pees in the pool. I love drinking water. I drink more than the recommended 8 glasses a day. I love to be near water. Lakes, ponds, creeks, the ocean...whatever. I love the water. And I LOVE baths.

2. My blog. Cause it rocks.

3. Food. I can't specify a favorite because it's always changing. But I LOVE food.

4. Facebook. Right now, I can't stay off of it. I love seeing people I haven't seen since graduation.

5. Canadians. Cause I have an obsessive love for their humor.

Now, for the linky love:

1. Jess over at This Life is Mine. Girls got balls, y'all. Girls got balls. 'Nuff said.

2. I have fallen in love with the Tattooed Minivan Mom. She's like me in the sense that she's balls to the wall on her blog (her more so than I) but kinda shy and quiet in real life.

3. I gotta go with the Steenky Bee. I know, I know, she's my nemesis. But, you gotta love her. She is...what do they say...AWESOMESAUCE!

4. I heart the Captain so much. He needs...nay, DESERVES another pretty award on his blog. He needs some womaning up, y'all. Plus, he's Canadian.

5. I'm gonna go with Rhea over at Texas Word Tangle. I simply love her. And she needs some cheering up.

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These next two came from Jaden Paige over at The Life and Times of Bendy Ruggles.

The first one, I received already from Katie but I'll still take it.

The second one is new to me and I heart it.

There's info that comes with this one.

The qualifications to receive the award are:

A. Display a cheerful attitude. (I'm not sure I qualify for this one, dammit)

B. Love one another. (Oh, yeah, I love me some lovin'...however, I don't think that's what this means)

C. Make mistakes. (I can do that one...eays...I mean, easy...see?)

D. Learn from others. (I learn things all the time from my fellow bloggers. For this, I am grateful.)

E. Be a positive contributor to the blog world. (I contribute...I don't know about in a positive manner, but, I contribute)

F. Love life. (This? I can do.)

G. Love kids. (Only mine, sorry...other ones skeeve me out...just kiddin'...mostly)

The Rules:

1. Must link it back to the creator.
2. Post the rules.
3. Choose 5 people to give it to.
4. Recipients must fill the characteristics above.
5. Create a post to share this.
6. You must thank the winner.

OK, here's the next 5 bestowed uponees (new word, think Urban DicKtionary will take this one?):

1. Lo over at Slap Happy Musings. She's such a breath of fresh air. So young and full of life.

2. Jerlyn over at BadKarma...cause she's Captain Dumbasses mom y'all! She deserves an award just for that ALONE!!! Plus, she's allowed me to become a member of the Dumbass family. My new name from now on is Mama Dawg Dumbass.

3. Ms. Partly Cloudy...she's MAW's daughter and I heart her so much. If I ever won the lottery, I want her to get her teaching degree and then I'll hire her as my daughter's private teacher. Cause she's someone who I would LOVE to have teach my daughter!

4. Ashley...Unscripted. She got the most awesome boots, y'all. I LOVE her boots. And her blog!

5. Kat over in England. Cause she's in England. And knows how to drive on the wrong side of the road. That alone is worth an award.

Whew...I'm tired.

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Lisa over at Growing Up 'Mo is having a contest! It's for 2 Il Divo c.d.'s. Even if they sucked at singing, I'd buy their c.d. anyway...Urs is sooooooooooo friggin' hot.

If you wanna enter, you gotta go check her out! Contest ends Friday, December 5th.

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I stole this from Scargosun. Since it's the day after Thanksgiving, I figure I can officially announce all things Christmas. Today is the day I'll start my Christmas Carols and will go to the storage unit to dig out all of my decorations. Next weekend, we'll go to the good old Home Depot and snag a tree.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I prefer wrapping paper but have resorted to bags on occasion.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Real, real, real, real, real. I can't stress that enough.

3. When do you put up the tree? First weekend in December

4. When do you take the tree down? After Christmas but before New Year's.

5. Do you like eggnog? Oh, heavens yes. I love the stuff. I even have special eggnog mugs.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I can't remember anything specific. I guess Barbie stuff.

7. Hardest person to buy for? My mother.

8. Easiest person to buy for? My aunt.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Nope.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail. Beware, if I have your address, you're getting one.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A robe from my ex-husband.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? A Christmas Story

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? The day after Christmas from the following year.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Heck yeah! What else am I gonna do with a ceramic angel bear with feathered wings?

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? my mom's cheese grits

16. Lights on the tree? Hello...what is a tree without lights?

17. Favorite Christmas song? The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stay home.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? Yes. And all of the 7 Dwarfs, too.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star...that light of my life made.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning. Christmas day after dinner. Yes, we wait THAT long.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? People who say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? Almost all of ours are old ornaments. I don't like a uniform tree. I like 'em all messy and with a great deal of history behind them.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? As long as my mama makes her cheese grits, I don't care what else is on the table.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? No friggin' clue.

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Damn, my wrist hurts worse than a 13 year old boys with a stack of his dad's stolen Playboys under his mattress.

Happy Friday, y'all!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Happy Thanksgiving, Y'all!

Art courtesy of my friend Jaymie from the Disney World Trivia boards. She's my Disney soul sister and she treats me so well when it comes to Disney online art.

She's also a brilliant photographer in her own right. I wish she blogged so you could see her photos of the World.

Plus, she has the cutest kids AND she reads my blog. Every day. And has even commented!

She rocks.

Hope no one blows up from turkey overload.

See y'all later!

Smooches and inappropriate hugs that include lots of boobage from aunts you haven't seen in years,

This Shot Was Totally Set Up

Awwwww....I was so cute in high school.

Thanks to Damon Burke for the blast from the past.

I love how flat chested I look in this. In reality, they were SPECTACULAR!!!

But, not so much any more.

Here's some more shots. This was at my senior Homecoming Dance. I, a senior, asked a FRESHMAN to the dance. Let me tell you, this was the best DAMN DANCE EVER. I had more fun with this freshman than I had with any other guy.

Here's my attempt at a sexy pic for my now ex-husband. I was slightly tipsy when this was taken. As you can tell by my sleepy eyes.

This is me on Decade Day at my high school. I'm the hippie. My friend, J, is the lovely Jackie O.

I don't know why I love this picture. It was taken by a kid that I was baby sitting for. But I love the carefree aspect of it.

This is me on the first day of 8th grade. I always made a big production of dressing up on the first day. My nails even matched. Yeah, I was a dork!

Enjoy!

Happy Day Before Thanksgiving!

Later,

I Have a Strawberry to Pick with You

This is gonna be a totally random post. Why? Cause I’m tapped out in the creativity department.

Bite me.

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I was just in the bathroom.

Eh, hmmm…lady that was the bathroom ahead of me?

Did your “bidness” really stank that much that you had to spray an entire can of air freshener RIGHT OVER THE TOILET?

Really? Cause if so, then you need to get yourself to a doctor, cause that ain’t right.

If not, then please limit yourself to one maybe two spritzes of that high octane industrial quality air freshener that is SOOOO concentrated that it comes in a 2.4 oz can.

That way, I can breathe when I go in to see a man about a horse.

While we’re on the topic of bathrooms….

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….raise your hand if your, ummmm, nether regions smell like strawberries? No? What about watermelons? Still no? Roses? Vanilla? Lilacs?

I would love to find a woman who’s snatch actually smells like a fruit or a flower.

I’d actually consider batting for the other team if it truly did smell like this.

Yeah, don’t act all shocked that I said that. Pick your jaw up off your keyboard and delete all those b’s and n’s that are running across your screen right now.

You know you’d totally do it, too.

Who wouldn’t? I mean, those are some pleasing smells.

Not that the female secret spots…nah, I’m not going there. It’s getting too hot in here as it is with the topic.

So, just to keep me from vagina envy, please leave your feminine hygiene sprays at home or use another potty, please. Cause my vagina (her name is Betty if anyone is curious) is jealous and I just can’t make her understand why she has to settle for the body wash I use in the shower instead of a fancy, schmancy spray like the lovely ladies who use the potty before me do.

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I opened up my spam e-mail the other day and was astounded at the Kreskin like abilities it has.

Here’s a sampling of the goodies my spam (not to be confused with Spam…yummy, yummy fried Spam) offers me each and every day:

Breast implants-Dude, how DID you know? I mean, not so much implants, but, yes, the girls could use a little lift. I mean, I did have a baby and all.

Black singles-Ok, now, I’m not against inter racial dating, but I DO live in Mississippi. It’s still verboten in some remote areas. So, I think I’ll skip this one. But thanks so much for thinking of me.

IRS tax relief- Well, you’re close. However, it’s more like YOU owe ME money, not the other way around. There are some highlights to being a poor single mother who owns nothing but the clothes on her back.

Dr.’s Office- Yeah, yeah. I know. I need to go see the doc. I got a coupla moles that need to be looked at on my back and I need to get one of those horrible, horrible silver things inserted into my non-vanilla smelling nether regions to make sure things “down there” are hunky dory. Quit yer bitchin'.

Skinny Boost- Who you calling fat? Oh, yeah….me.

eHarmony- While I appreciate your attempts at setting me up, I can almost guarantee that the nearest single male to me that happens to be computer literate is probably, at minimum, 150 miles away. Makes for awkward dating, no?

JENN “WANNA SEE MY PICS”- Steenky Bee, is this you? If so, sure, I’ll look at your pics. If not, then bitch, back off. I don’t know you. Therefore, I don’t want to see your pics.

Can’t Afford School- Uh, no. Did I not mention the part where I’m a poor single mother? Even if I could, the nearest school (besides the big ass university near my place of business) that I could potentially attend is 30 minutes from my house and 90 minutes from my place of business. I couldn’t even if I COULD afford school. Plus, I don’t see my kid enough as it is. I’ll wait til she’s in college before I contemplate that time suck again.

Ebay “dumb and poor” – Well, you’re half right. And I’m not gonna say which half.

Hotties Looking For Dates- Can’t be too hot if they’re trolling for dates on the ‘net. Nuff said.

And this one made my day….

….e-card “(firsntname) your e-card is waiting for you”.

First of all, it’s FIRST you dummy (are you from eBay?) and second, I’m offended that you don’t even know my first name. Cause Jenn from Wanna See my Pics does and so does Can’t Afford School. Get with the program, eCard.

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I’m still livid that Urban Dictionary has not accepted my word for their site. I mean tragiversary is a profound and accurate word. Especially with today’s tragedies. Right? Right.

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You know that you’re reading a book originally written in the 1940’s when you read this passage:

“…and two open windows with net curtains that puckered in and out like the lips of a toothless old man sleeping.”

I’m currently reading “High Window” by Raymond Chandler. Not too shabby so far. It’s a Philip Marlowe book. So, that’s a plus right there.

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I found a bunch of old dime store pocket books (literally books that can fit in your pocket) at the rummage sale where I volunteer. I have like 30 of them. I’ve already read one and it was a hoot. The phrases, descriptions, wording, etc…..I’m in hog heaven.

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I’ve discovered Archer Farms Cherry Pistachio Dark Chocolate granola bars. Yummmmmmmmmy in my tummy.

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When exactly did I become a grown up? I'm still diggin' the Facebook phenomenon and I've been looking at pictures of people I went to high school with and they're all grown-ups (well, most of them are). They got, like respectable jobs and husbands and wives (not at the same time, I hope) and kids and a mortgage and cars. They've gone on trips out of the country and work as assistant producers at Disney and have met celebrities and started companies and sold houses.

When did this happen?

One minute, we're all giggling and laughing and eating lunch outside of the drama room and the next, our kids are puking and walking and talking and making their own lunches.

I've never pondered the concept of time before now. But Facebook has bitch slapped me and made me realize that I'm an adult. An honest to goodness adult.

And, I don't think I like that.

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That’s all I got peeps. How about you? Anything random happen to you lately?

Later,

Who Would You Do?

And a Good Monday Morning to all you germs and gals. It's that time of year again....sickos coming out the woodwork. Hope everyone is healthy and happy today.

Speaking of sickos, here's your Monday morning "Who Would You Do?" (book by Susan Segrest)

Both Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson have offered to instruct a hands-on class about normal, healthy, all-American sexual behavior. Who do you choose to be your teacher?

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

And remember, ladies and gentlemen, barf bags are located in the pocket of the seat directly in front of you.

Enjoy!

Later,

Friday Foto Fiesta Finish

We use the Snoop Dogg brand popcorn in our house.

These are the precise instructions for the microwave we use for our popcorn.

I did not write this.

Someone else did, I swear.

If you wanna play along, head on over to Candid Carrie's for more foto fun!

Later,

Waiting for Rejection

*Updated to add that people are now responding and I have "spoken" to some people I haven't spoken to in years. My heart is happy to reconnect with some of these people.

*Update 2: Just so you know, I just sent out the request yesterday. This hasn't been an ongoing thing. It's not even been 24 hours. I'm just ANTICIPATING rejection...it's not been long enough to get rejected...yet.

*Update 3: One of my most favorite people in the whole universe (at least from my high school days) has gotten in touch with me! And, he has his on blog. And, he has a beautiful wife and son. And, I'm so exicted to hear from him!!!!!!!!!!! Can you feel my excitement?

Ugh.....I've gotten sucked into Facebook.

For real.

My stomach's all in knots.

I found a guy I knew in high school.

His name's Phil. That's all I'll tell you about him.

Except...he was (and probably still is, you tend not to grow out of these things) funny as hell.

Seriously funny. Very dry, very witty.

So, I found him. And he has like a bazillionity friends.

Most of them from high school.

I recognized about half the names. The others I didn't recognize because I didn't go to high school with them.

"How can you be sure, Mama Dawg?" is what you're asking yourself right now.

I'm sure.

I'm sure because I have the memory of an elephant when it comes to the names of people I went to school with. I might not have the recall to tell you their names, but if I see it somewhere, I'll recognize it and know immediately that I went to school with them.

So, I checked out his friends list.

And found some people on there that I actually liked in high school.

More were people I knew but never hung out with. They were just in classes and whatnot.

I found 2 girls that I was real tight with while in school. One was from middle school (I've posted about her before in the post with the pictures from 8th grade) and the other was from high school.

I have the most memories of the one from high school.

I sent out about 10 friend requests.

I only heard back from Phil so far.

He seems to remember me.

I don't know why I think people wouldn't remember me.

Not that I'm NOT memorable.

But just because it was such a long time ago.

Or, maybe I'm not memorable.

Nah...that's not it. I have a healthy sense of self.

While I didn't make my mark in high school, I didn't necessarily piss people off all the time.

I don't think.

I can never remember what I was like in high school.

Correction, I know what I think I was like in high school.

But I'm not sure if others think the same way.

And I'm not sure that I care.

Yet, I have those knots in my stomach.

Sigh....this brings back memories.

And it reminds me why I hated being a teenager.

Does anyone else feel this way? Are any of you friends on Facebook with people you went to high school with? Have any of you put yourself out there like this? Have any of you gotten rejected?

Even though I didn't start off writing this for Mama Kat over at Mama's Losin' It and her Writer's Workshop, it actually fits the assignment of something that bothered me this week. If you wanna read more assignments, click here.

Later,

Yippe Ki Yay, Motherf*cker!

Yes, I put the * in so all you people out there that might not visit me due to the "eff" word will come on over.

You're welcome!

Anyhoo, my former internet love, Trooper Thorn, has decided to soothe my wounded feelings post break-up with a BEE-YOU-TE-FUL award.



Idn't purty? So purty. Look y'all. It's got a flutterby on it and everything.

There's some sort of rule where I have to post this:

"These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.”

But my question is, who follows up on these things? Are we gonna get fined if we don't post this? Is there gonna be a hit out on us? Is Steenky Bee going to stalk us? Is Captain Dumbass's kid gonna bite us on the ear? Is Jess going to make us do one of those upside down beer thingies? Or flash us her boobs? (yeah, you know you went to the link...don't lie)

For fear of my life and the life of my many, many animals and kid, I'll play along.

I'm supposed to nominate 8 people.

Dude, I keep giving awards to like the same 3 people.

Let me check my blogroll and see who I can scare up.






Let's see, nope, can't give her one.

Nope, he'll get a big head if I give him one.

What about...nah...she doesn't deserve it.

Shit, I'm all out of bloggers.

So, tell you what.

How about YOU guys give me some bloggers to bestow this award on?

Yeah, yeah, I like that. Do my work for me.

Someone, anyone, give me some bloggers to bestow this award upon. Once I hit the magical number of 8, I'll edit this post and pass out the award.

So, go ahead. Give me some names.

Later,



P.S. I'm totally kidding about bloggers on my blog roll not being deserving of this award. I just keep giving these things out to the same people over and over and over again. That, and most of you guys have this already.

P.S.S. Nope, not gonna tell you about the break-up. It hurts too much to speak of. However, he is making up for the pain by presenting me with this award.

P.S.S.S. I totally rock. Jennifer over at MN vs. TX also presented me with this award. In your face, suckas!

Secret Lover

He’s absolutely gorgeous.

Deep brown eyes.

Black hair.

He’s a big boy.

He listens to my every word (mostly).

He brings me presents.

He's a leg man.

And…he loves sex.

Yes ma’am (or sir).

He sure does.

Wanna see his a picture of him?

Sure you do.

Yeah, it’s my damn dog.

His little balls have dropped and he’s discovered how good it feels to hump my leg.

Time for the vet, I guess.

Sigh……too bad he’s a dog. Otherwise, he was sounding pretty great, huh?

And no, I’m not into lap dogs. You pervs.

Such is my life.

How’s your Tuesday?

Later,

Who Would You Do?

Eh, I got nothing.

Let's get straight to what you came for, shall we?

It's Monday morning's wake up call, "Who Would You Do?" (book by Susan Segrest)

The stadium’s sold out. The band’s onstage. You’re screaming your head off with excitement when suddenly the lead singer pulls you out of the crowd, grinds his pelvis against you and begs you to come backstage after the show to party with the whole gang. Which group would you do: Van Halen, Bon Jovi, Aerosmith or Guns N Roses?

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Later,

Friday Foto Finish Fiesta

After a few bottles sips of this:



This is hysterical.



And so is this.



Just a normal Saturday night in the Dawg household.

The Cullens ain't got nuttin' on us.

If you wanna join in on the phestivities, head on over to Candid Carrie's for more foto phun.

Later,

Writer's Workshop

Here's another segment from Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop. If you wanna check out more stories and writings, click here.

I thought I saw a hobbit.

I swear.

It was in the basement of the hospital.

I was on my way to a workshop. The classrooms are located in the basement. I had gotten separated from my co-workers (on purpose…I couldn’t take the incessant chatter a moment longer) and was a little lost. I still don’t know my way around here too well.

While wandering further and further in the bowels of the hospital, I smelled…mushrooms? WTF? Mushrooms in a hospital?

I just chalked it up to mildew. It all kinda smells the same anyway.

*turns head quickly*

What was that?

It looked like a moss green cloak.

But that’s impossible.

The bottom was only a foot off the ground.

I don’t think there’s any midgets that work here.

But I could be wrong.

There’s that mushroom smell again.

And footsteps.

Behind me.

So soft. Like an Indian. Stealthy like.

But when I turn back, all I see is the same moss green cloak ducking behind a recycling bin.

Then…impish laughter.

Now, I’m freaked out.

I think a hobbit’s following me.

Later,

Happy (Late) Halloween!

Ok, so I'm way late on this. Sue me.

Now it'll all be fresh in your minds instead of being blasted with others Halloween pics.

See, Ma, procrastination has it's advantages.




This here's Light of my Life getting all the pumpkin guts out. I love the look on her face.

It's our tradition that she draws the face on the pumpkin (no matter what it comes out to look like after carved) and I carve it. Thank goodness she's gotten better over time.



Here's the end result. Isn't it AWESOME! She rocks!!!!! I also love this picture.



Our little community has an event on the square every Fall and it's always near Halloween. Here's Light of my Life visiting the Fortune Teller. Look closely at her face. You can see how enthralled she is with what she's telling her. Light of my life was totally believing the fortune teller, too. The fortune teller told her "I bet you're a dancer" and Light of my Life was sooooo impressed. She totally forgot (and I didn't correct her) that she was wearing a dance costume as her costume for this event! LOL! I love my little girl.



Ahhhh...here's her costume on Halloween night. This is a homemade costume y'all. And when I say homemade, I mean I tossed a bunch of shit together and called it a costume.

Last year, after Halloween, Wal-Mart was selling all their Halloween stuff for like 75% off. I got 5 pairs of fairy wings for like $1.50 each. This is one of the pairs.

The "dress" is actually a camisole type teenager shirt that I got at the Methodist Rummage Sale for $1. It was pink, but I dyed it purple (thanks RIT dye!).

The purple tights and black boots and black shirt are all hers.

I did her hair up in two separate buns and added flowers and ribbons.

My mom did her face. See the pic below for a close-up. And yes, she decided on that post all by herself. No help from me was needed. She's stretching her dramatic wings. Lord help me.



Look at that make-up job.

By the way, the wings came off and stayed off about halfway through our excursion.

Typical. LOL!



One of the houses we visited had this guy dressed up. He was running around the yard chasing the kids while revving up his chainsaw. Light of my Life and her friend L had a blast.



Here's part of their decorations. I love this!



This is hands down, my favorite Halloween picture! Some random girl getting her SCREAM on as the real life guy in a costume in a REAL LIVE coffin jumped out at her! I love the look on her face. Priceless!



Here's some glasses Light of my Life got as part of her haul. I think they're hysterical!

Next year we've decided to have a Halloween party at our house the weekend before Halloween. I'm dressing up as a vampire and Light of my Life has decided she wants to be my vampire daughter. We're gonna RAWK! (that's for you MAW)

So, how was your Halloween?

Later,

Mama Dawg's Rider

As many of you know (all 3 of you), I made it onto the Good Mom/Bad Mom list.

Here's my badge as proof.



MAW over at Unmitigated nominated my guest-post I did for Captain Dumbass over at Us and Them.

I think she did it only so I would do yet ANOTHER link to her blog from mine.

She’s such a link whore.

No offense.

Well, yes, some.

Anyhoo…since I’m all famous and stuff now, I have decided that until further notice (like when I get even more famous), this list shall stand as my official rider.

1. There must be at least a minimum of 3 beta fish swimming in different shaped bowls through out her dressing room. One must have glass stones of red, one of blue and one of green. The fish should be of complimentary colors to each bowl with the different stones. The fish must all be male.

2. The room must be painted the same teal color as her old Geo Storm (affectionately known as the Teal Mobile). There must be a minimum of 3 racing stripes at shoulder height. That’s Mama Dawg’s shoulder height, mind you.

3. There must be a stock of Archer Farms Blood Orange Italian Soda inside of the mini-fridge. It must stay fully stocked at all times.

4. There must be a mini-fridge. It must be brown paneling in color with a black handle. (Lowly assistant, Brigita, please reverse numbers 3 & 4 on the rider before posting.)

5. There shall be a revolving disco ball in the center of the room on the ceiling. This shall be the only major light source.

6. There shall be a minimum of 6 lava lamps scattered randomly throughout the room.

7. Every Harry Potter book ever written (including all the companion books, authorized AND unauthorized) must be in a white metal bookcase.

8. There must be at least one set of Snitch gold plated book ends to hold all the books in place. If you can not find a set of Snitch gold plated book ends, either make some yourself or you’re fired.

9. There must be at a minimum, 50 different pictures of Light of her Life framed and hung on the walls. All pictures must be either 3 x 5’s, 5 x 7’s or 8 x 10’s. They must all be in black plastic frames. The kind that you set the picture in to and then put a piece of glass on top. You can find these at any Wal-Mart in the country.

10. There must be one metallic teal iPod downloaded with nothing but Jimmy Buffet songs, one metallic pink iPod downloaded with nothing but Madonna songs, one silver iPod downloaded with nothing but hip hop songs (including all of Chris Brown, Snoop Dogg and Kevin Rudolph). In addition, there must be one metallic green iPod downloaded with nothing but the sound track to the following movies:

Dune
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar
Blade
Blade III
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
The Dukes of Hazzard (with Jessica Simpson)
and
Manos: The Hands of Fate

11. There must be a DVD player hooked up to a 27 inch TV.

12. The following movies must always be made available to her:

2 Fast, 2 Furious
Alfie
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
Crossroads
The Little Mermaid
and
The Aristocrats

13. A four poster turn of the century bed with black silk sheets and at a minimum, 15 pink fuzzy pillows.

14. A naked and always “at attention” Christian Bale any man in said bed.

15. Peanut M & M’s with the peanuts removed and the shells intact.

If anyone takes exception to any of these demands, screw you.

Thanks and see ya on the circuit (whatever one that may be!).

Later,



Brigita, dammit, you're FIRED!

Who Would You Do?

Ugh...it's Monday again. Bleh. I'm so busy at work today, this one is gonna be short and sweet. I'll try to find time to read blogs today, but if I don't show up on yours, it's nothing personal. I'm just swamped.

On with the fun! It's time once again for Monday morning's "Who Would You Do?" (book by Susan Segrest)

You've seen their video, now pick your passion partner:

Pamela Anderson or Tommy Lee

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Later,

Shhh....I Won't Say A Word

I don’t know if you can tell or not, but my blog has taken a turn for the…worse? better? strange? bizarre?

It’s that darn MamaKat over at Mama’s Losin’ It.

She has this writer’s workshop thingie she does.

I’ve known about it for a while but haven’t participated because I’m not that creative with my words.

Plus, I usually have to have a “feeling” about what I’m going to write. I started this blog off by writing about my weekend or the tiny town I live in or my daughter. I never had any feelings about what I was going to write.

It’s grown into something much stranger since then.

I still talk about that kind of stuff, but the creativity has kicked in.

I will never claim that it’s “good” writing. Cause, quite frankly, it’s not.

But, I’m not out to win any awards or anything.

Back to the workshop.

One of last week’s choices struck a chord in me and I wrote that post about the glass on the edge of the table.

I felt compelled to write it that way. Something in me just burst out and forced me to type that out.

I have NO clue where it came from.

Again, it’s not good. But, that’s not the point of writing, is it?

Then, I had this bizarre idea for a guest post for Captain Dumbass.

I’ve never written anything like that before.

I have those kinds of thoughts. I have them all the time.

I have all sorts of thoughts in my head.

Which leads me to the title of my post.

I have secrets.

Dark secrets.

Dirty secrets.

Shameful secrets.

Secrets I’ve NEVER shared with ANYONE. Not even on the ‘net with all it’s anonymity.

Secrets that are mine alone.

I also have secrets that a few people know about.

Most, my mother doesn’t know.

Most, my neighbor (Hi, L!) doesn’t know.

Most, you don’t know.

I’ve never had the desire to share my secrets with more than a few choice people. People I know could keep their mouths shut. People I had “secrets” on so I had a source of blackmail (as it were) if they were to ever talk.

Sounds bad, right?

It is.

Most of my secrets are of a certain nature.

Before you all freak out, none of them are illegal.

At least, not in most states.

I’m sure a few are illegal in some states.

I also have bad thoughts.

Real dark thoughts.

Real dirty thoughts.

Real shameful thoughts.

And because I don’t tell anyone these thoughts or secrets, I have to know.

Am I the only one?

Cause it feels that way sometimes.

I know that statistically speaking, I’m not the only one.

My thoughts are not original to me.

Before we go further, I’m not looking for absolution.

I don’t know why I said before we go further since I’m really not.

Except……

….something in me wants me to write down some stuff.

But……

…..I can’t do that.

Cause as much as I claim to NOT care what people think of me…I do.

To a degree.

My life wouldn’t end if people thought badly of me.

But it would hurt for a bit.

I’d eventually get over it.

Cause that’s how I roll.

Sigh…….

As Audrey asked in Breakfast at Tiffany’s:

“You know those days when you get the mean reds?”

Yeah, I got them.

Later,

A Really Crappy Poem

This poem is part of Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop that she hosts over at her blog.

One of the assignment choices was to write a rhyming or non-rhyming 16 line poem about an incident in my childhood that changed my life for the better.

While I had many incidents like that, this one stood out in my mind.

And yes, it did change my life for the better. I can now look at a man's pee-pee without going "ew". If that's not a check in the positive column, I don't know what is.

And for the record, I was 7 in 1984, so don't go calling the cops on me and screaming "Pervert at Mama Dawg's". Cause while that may be true now, it wasn't then. I was only 7.

Please, hold your applause and accolades until the bitter end. Only cause it really doesn't get any better and I'd hate for you to expend all your energy at the beginning only to have to do it all again at the end.

Without any further delays (you really need to beg me to delay this cause it's really THAT bad) here's my poem:

I think that I shall never see
Another boys wee pee-pee

Like the one I saw
Back in eighty-four

That belonged to Chad
Who was oh, so bad

But was an awesome dude
Who while rough and crude

Was my best friend
Til it had to end

Because he dropped trou
And I didn’t go “wow”

But instead went “ew”
And then I threw

A pinecone at his head
And now he’s dead.

Later,



P.S. And as far as I know, he's not really dead.

P.S.S. And no, this isn't the Chad we all know and love and goes by another name on his blog. Completely different people. I think. Unless he's been lying to me all this time. Have you been lying to me all this time?

Where is Mama Dawg? Where is Mama Dawg?

Here she is. Here she is!

I have a post below this one. Check it out and then head on over to Us and Them and take a lookee-loo at my guest post for Captain Dumbass. And no, I wasn't ON anything when I wrote it.

(I'm only gonna say this once.....I'm pleased with last night's results and extremely proud of McCain's classiness. He might of lost, but he's still a great man.)

Later,

Mama Dawg at a Mary Kay Party

Ok, guys, I spent a LOT of time yesterday typing up this 5 page story that may or may not show up here or over at the Captain's place. Due to this, I'm wiped out.

So, I'm regaling you with a story from deep within my archives (of the blog you pervs, nothing else).

Enjoy.

Yes, yes, yes.....laugh all you want. I was invited to a Mary Kay makeover party. To those of you who know me, that's like inviting someone who hates swimming to a swimming party. I just don't do make-up.

I wore make-up when I was a teenager. I wore eyeliner, mascara and lipstick, but never blush, eye-shadow, foundation or lip liner. I started when I was about 12. I even wore BLUE mascara at one point!!!! When I turned 17 or so, I made a conscious decision to stop wearing make-up. I liked the way I looked without it. When I say I stopped wearing make-up, I meant I stopped wearing it on a daily basis. I did wear it when I went out or if it was a special occasion. I still do.

I'm one of those women that have to throw out almost perfectly full mascara tubes because they end up expiring before I can use them! They start getting that chunky feel to them and get all gooey.

Anyway, last week, a local lady called me up and asked if I'd like to attend a Mary Kay makeover party. Being new in town and all, I accepted. I accepted mostly because it's a small town and I'm not quite at that point where I want to start turning away invitations to get togethers. That and it gave me the opportunity to meet some new people. Also, my family is well known in the town I live in and I don't really want to shed any kind of negative light on my family. This is a new concept for me because before, I didn't live close enough to family for it to matter what kinds of consequences my actions brought. Southern familial politics at its best.

So, with constipation inducing fear in my body and trepidation in my heart, I went to the party last night. It was the hostess, the Mary Kay representative and 3 other women (besides myself) there. Light of my life had been invited as well and one of the other ladies brought her 4 year old daughter.

The mother of the other young girl was probably around my age and the other two ladies were probably in their 60's or maybe 70's. Not sure.

Anyway, after the necessary small talk, we got down to business. All my fears were quickly confirmed when I had to put all kinds of lotions and potions and what not on my face. I was then asked to put on some sort of foundation powder stuff. This is the part where I was extremely uncomfortable. I don't know how to apply stuff like this. I never learned and had never put anything like this on my face before. I didn't even know how to get more powder out of the little tub thingie. I especially didn't know how to put it on with that scary looking brush type thing. I felt like the biggest idiot. I don't mind making an ass out of myself if I inadvertently say or do something (that usually can't be helped) but I felt like an ass for not knowing something that about 95% of the women in the world (yes, I know that's an exaggeration) know how to do. After the foundation debacle, we did get into some more familiar territory when we were asked to put on some eyeshadow. Now, I know (sort-of) the right way to put on eye-shadow. However, the little sample thingie came with INSTRUCTIONS!!!!! Instructions that actually came with diagrams. Diagrams of what was supposed to be an eye but they actually included the upper part of the eye (right below the eyebrow). When did people start wearing eye-shadow waaaaay up there? There were two separate diagrams and they were complicated looking. There was a diagram of how to apply two different eye-shadows (presumably at the same time) and how to do three different eye-shadows. They actually had a pattern!!! Seriously? For real? It blew my mind. I just slapped some shiny stuff on my eyes and moved on to the next little sample thingie. Can you guess what the next sample thingie was? Can ya, can ya? You got it....blush. If you thought putting on eye shadow was complicated, this was 10 times WORSE! It didn't come with any instructions AT ALL!!!! How fair is that? Believe me, there is a right and a wrong way to put on blush but I'll be damned if I knew what either of them was. I about bolted when I saw the blush. When no one was looking, I took my little cotton ball and dabbed it on the blush sample and pretended to put some on. I quickly went past that part and went straight to the lipstick. That was familiar territory and I managed not to mess that up. The party didn't last too much longer after that and I ended up buying some lip balm. There was a little pressure to become a Mary Kay representative but there's no way on God's green earth that you could get me to push any kind of product on anyone, let alone MAKE-UP!!!!!!

The other thing I hate about it is the fact that they were all staring at me when all this was going on and oohhing and aaahhhing over how drastic the transformation was. To me, I didn't look any different. A little shinier perhaps, but not different and certainly nothing to ooohhh and aaaahhh over. Believe me, a shiny Mama Dawg is not something the world is ready for.Gimme power tools over make-up any day.

Later,



P.S. Light of my life ended up looking like a million bucks and she applied her make-up herself. How sad is that? My 7 year old is better at this crap than I am. LOL!!!!

Ok Scratch That

Everything in the post below...scratch that.

I was feeling that way yesterday, but then I had a very titillating and engaging phone conversation with a friend and all is well. My mojo's back.

I'm rarin' to go.

Later,

Warning: Major Mind Dump

I’m feeling restless.

I don’t know why.

I’m feeling depressed.

I don’t know why.

I’m yearning for something.

I don’t know what.

Something I’ve never had.

Is that yearning?

I know it’s not missing.

For something to be missing, you had to have it in the first place.

I want a connection with someone.

I mean, a REAL connection.

Maybe that’s it.

Maybe I need to feel grounded.

I feel like I’m just floating along right now.

Gah, I hate feeling this way.

Of course, the iPod’s not helping in ANY way.

That may be contributing to the restless feeling.

I soooo need to get out of here.

A drink?

Maybe.

That might do it.

I need to see people I know.

Not family.

Other people.

People I haven’t seen in years (Jeff, are you there? For some reason, I’ve been missing you lately.)

I hate google.

It allows me to find people I haven’t thought of in years.

Then that leads me to feeling nostalgic.

Which leads me to the yearning feelings.

Can I cut off my head?

Or at least stop thinking so much?

I need change.

Not quarters.

Real change.

Can I GET any weirder?

Maybe.

Why has my viewing stats jumped up so much in the past week?

I haven’t changed anything.

I should hold a contest soon.

I have some stuff.

But, it’s kind of vacation themed.

And now’s not the time for vacations.

Usually.

I’m writing this on Monday, but posting on Tuesday.

I have to have continuity on my blog.

Who Would You Do on Mondays and nothing else.

Damn George Michael.

I’m leaving before this gets any weirder.

Stream of consciousness…sorry.

This is what I call a mind dump.

Maybe it’ll help.

Or turn all you off forever.

Sorry.

Later,

Who Would You Do?

Was' up, internets? It's Monday morning again and you know what that means?

"Who Would You Do?" time (book by Susan Segrest)!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!

As a very busy actress in the adult film industry, you have four new skin flicks scheduled for back to back shooting: Hothouse Ho, Deflowered in the Shower, Vaseline Vixen and Frustrated Housewife Gets a Special Delivery. The problem? Deciding who is your best costar for each movie. Our options: Ted Koppel, Chris Rock, Matthew Broderick and Billy Bob Thornton.

ON THIS ONE, YOU MUST CHOOSE A DIFFERENT STAR FOR EACH MOVIE!!!

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Later,

Mascara Dripping Due to Copius Tears of Thanks

Ok, not really.

I don't wear mascara.

But, I do want to say thanks to two people who have for some reason, found me to be "hookable" (and no, that doesn't mean they think I have great potential to be a hooker....although.....) and Kreativ (must be a Russian blogger that came up with that one).

jenboglass over at Steenky Bee gave me this award like 100 million years ago. Due to our ongoing feud over who gets to stalk Captain Dumbass (she's ahead by like 1,567 points), I chose to ignore her for a while and am just now getting around to acknowledging her nod in my direction.



This one comes with rules (what's with the awards coming with strings...they should just be honored for their kreativity and hookableness without me having to work for it, right?).

I'm supposed to give it to 5 blogs that I'm hooked on.

But, here's the catch...I have another award I have to bestow upon 6 blogs.

So, in a bit, I'm just gonna award 6 people BOTH awards. How's that for a twofer?

Jaden Paige over at The Life and Times of Bendy Ruggles (how's that for a name?) awarded me this:



Isn't she so sweet? I just discovered her. If she becomes a big hot shot blogger, she can give me full credit for it. Cause I discovered her.

Hmmmm...what's that?

Others are reading her, too?

Shit.

Oh, well, it's still sweet of her to give me this. I shall cherish it always *tossing it up on the top shelf in the utility closet*.

This one comes with a game of sorts.

I'm supposed to list 6 things that make me happy.

In no particular order, here's 6 things that at this very second I'm posting, make me happy:

1. Rhea's new pink streaks in her hair. I'm so impressed and jealous. I want some. But...I'm so happy for her that she got them. They look AWESOME.

2. Canadians. I love me some Canadians.

3. MAW's daughter, Partly Cloudy, has a blog and she's following me! Yay me! She's a pretty awesome blogger. She only has 3 post, but her second one ROCKED.

4. My dog, Max. He's the sweetest dog EVER. The way he cocks his head and has one ear up and one down while sneering at you is HILARIOUS. I'll try to get a pic.

5. It's fall. I love fall. For real. It's awesome.

6. I have green apple bubble gum. I love the taste of green apple bubble gum. However, I tend to chew the gum and as soon as the sugar runs out, I spit it out. Gross, I know, but then again, I just chew it for the sugar rush anyway.

So, now I gotta list 6 bloggers and award them these prestigious awards.

This is so tough.

Mostly cause jenboglass decided to break the rules and awarded hers to like a billion people. You suck, jenboglass. (not really)

Ok, let's give them to:

1. Pseudonymous High School Teacher-she lives in Hawaii...for real. Really reals. And she's a teacher. And she's a survivor. How can you not love her?

2. My girl Sassy Stephanie over at our piece of quiet. She's my bloggy soul sister. We're both 6 feet tall with long flowing hair and legs that are miles long. Swear to God, we are. Just don't ask for proof. We don't do photos or autographs for less than $25,000.

3. Middle-Aged Woman (MAW for short) over at Unmitigated. I admire the hell out of this woman. She's a late in life teacher, the mom to some awesome kids, she reads A LOT, she has the most awesome movie collection EVER. Can I be you when I grow up? Please?

4. Cocotte over at Suburban Musings. I can't nail down exactly what it is about her and her blog that I like so much. It's nothing really specific. I just like her. Plain and simple (no, SHE'S not plain and simple). Maybe it's because we both heart Trooper Thorn and I know that she's not a threat to our love. Yeah, that's gotta be it.

5. Let's go with a real newbie and give it to Jess over at This Life is Mine. She reminds me of someone and I can't put my finger on it. She also parties like I used to...before light of my life. Sigh...at least I can live vicariously through her.

6. Scargosun will be the last one in this category. Cause you have to save the best for last, didn't ya know? This is someone that makes me think. Our lives are sooooo different, yet I feel a real connection with her. Maybe because she does so many things that I wish I did. She truly tries to live a better life. She's so knowledgeable in so many things that I'm not. Plus, she has an awesome island.

So, everyone that's been bestowed this award, go forth and do whatever it is you feel like doing with it. I won't tell if you don't follow the rules. I can keep a secret. *wink*

Later,