Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Divorce (a repost)

This is a semi-repost. I've deleted some stuff that had nothing to do with the story (it was written for a specific person to read and I've just deleted the stuff that mentions that person).

Rhea over at Texas Word Tangle and a few others have requested my divorce story, so here it is.

I met my ex when I was 21 in a bar in New Orleans. He was a Marine. 'Nuff said.

Oh, you want more?

We met, fell in lust, made a baby, got married, got divorced.

That's the short story.

Oh, you still want more?

We met in a bar in downtown N'awlins and discovered we really, really dug each other. I actually had been hooking up with his roommate that night...well, I was really hooking up with both of them, but when it came time to give up the old phone number, I chose my ex. He kissed better.

We got to talking and dating and somehow fell into a relationship. I had never been in a serious relationship before and I thought I loved him but in retrospect, I didn't. Not really. I did have strong feelings for him.

We weren't the most careful when it came to sex and well, you can guess what happened next.

We met on Mother's Day and I discovered I was pregnant by July. It turns out, we probably made light of my life on my birthday. How cool is that? I felt something was wrong since I had missed my period at least once and I am like clockwork when it comes to stuff like that.

I went to the doctor (who stupidly asked me why I needed a pregnancy test...ummm...because I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant?) who confirmed via phone a few days later, that yes, indeed, I was pregnant.

After the initial "Oh, shit" moment, I called my ex and told him over the phone. We knew it was a possibility and he was pretty cool about the whole thing.

We had the big discussion on marriage vs. waiting. I knew I was going to keep the baby (abortion wasn't an option, not because I'm against it, but because I wanted to keep the baby) but I wasn't sure about keeping the ex.

My parents are divorced and I wasn't 100% on board with marriage as an institution. Due to the hormonal flow and criticism from outsiders, I "fell" for his line of taking a leap of faith and trusting that marriage and kids was what he really wanted.

We got married in the courthouse when I was 5 months pregnant. I remember the day of my wedding, I wanted to back out. It took 20 minutes of convincing before I gave in...again.

We got married and about 2 months later, he drove his car into a canal while drunk. His car was totaled and he was upside down on his loan. He was a total shit about the whole thing. The night of the accident, he was crying and blubbering that he was so sorry and he was so afraid of disappointing his PARENTS...not me, his very pregnant wife, but his PARENTS whom he hadn't lived with in years. So, now he was dependent on me to get him to work, stores, etc....About a month after that, I discovered he was e-mailing and "talking" to his ex from high school.

About 2 months after that (the month I was due), I was on the computer one day under his user name (this was before I knew much about computers and found it easier to just go in under the last user name instead of logging in under mine) and I/he got an IM from his local ex that was still in HIGH SCHOOL and she asked him out for lunch. I didn't pussyfoot around and flat out told her that this was his wife using the computer and she then said "Oh, well, you can come, too!". I told her it was inappropriate for her to ask my husband out to lunch and I then logged off. I confronted him about this and he just blew it off as them still being friends. This was yet another big sign of things to come. The first being the drunk driving incident.

After I gave birth to our beautiful baby, he decided to spend his 10 days of paternity leave FIXING A F**KING COMPUTER instead of helping me with a newborn. Eh, hmmm.....perchance this is yet ANOTHER sign of things to come?

About 5 weeks after I gave birth, we had a discussion about our marriage and he didn't want to work on it. At all. Period. Since you can't force a person to counseling, I decided to allow him to stay in the house until he could find a place to live. Maybe this would give us a chance to work on the marriage. Yeah, well, that weekend he decided to spend the WHOLE night out with his EX that was still in HIGH SCHOOL!

I pretty much kicked his ass out ASAP.

Anyway, we proceeded with the divorce. He kept fighting for custody and making me pay more and more money to my attorney to respond to his "requests" while he had a free attorney provided by the military. He couldn't even bother to show up for our divorce and custody hearing. He had gotten out of the Marines about a month before the hearing and his OWN attorney couldn't even find him. His attorney was asking MY attorney where HIS client was!

My daughter has never met her father. The last time he had any contact with her was when she was 6 months old. No card, presents, phone calls, visits, etc....since then.

Not even after Hurricane Katrina. Which we went through (a WHOLE other story that you guys already know about).

All that heartache and trouble and money could have been saved if I would only have lied and told him that I wasn't pregnant and broken up with him shortly after (which was my FIRST instinct that I should have listened to).

That's it in a nutshell.

Any questions?


26 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:


holy WOW. I am so sorry you had to go through that. At least something good came out of the situation -- your bright and beautiful daughter. =)


Well shitstorm, that sucks! It seems like you got the better end of the deal though...a beautiful daughter and a better life. Sometimes shitty people really are good for something! Keep the good faith and if I see your ex I will be sure to give him the eat shit and die look. Or punch him in the neck. Or both.


Unfortunately I have seen situations like this more than once since my husband has been in the military. Guys who think that they can settle down who have no idea what they are getting into and women who really want to make it work. I have rarely seen it work out for the better. I am glad to see that you made it out on the other side and seem better for the whole experience. Live and learn.

The Nice One

Thank you for sharing that very personal story with us. I appreciate hearing it.
As ugly as the whole mess was, at least there's the Light of Your Life outta the deal, right!!!!!


There are assholes in this world. They seem to serve some sort of purpose in your life. That purpose is finding out just how much you are willing to put up with. It is a good thing to know. It's just unfortunate that it usually comes by way of a fly by asshole.


Wow...thanks for sharing. You are brave for being so candid. And even braver for kicking him out!


This makes me love and respect you even more. You are a strong woman. You've got a beautiful little girl and that's all that counts. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR NOT LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS.

Trooper Thorn

Holy Smokes Mama D! Each paragraph I figured was the worst treatement a person could undergo, until I read the next one. That is dreadful you went through that, and shocking how quickly it all fell apart.

Captain Dumbass

Thanks for the background Mama D. Whatever the story though, you got LOML. You won.


sassy stephanie

Man, Em. I hate stories like this. I am glad that you are such a strong woman that can stand on her own two feet. And, that you are teaching that to LOML as well.


Wow--it's a good thing you ditched him! I'm sorry you had to go through that--but you got your beautiful girl and that's the important thing!!

Insane Mama

You were very brave for kicking him out. Sometimes it's hard to trust that gut feeling, but it's usually correct.


It's scary how right on our instincts can be. And good for you for not hanging on to a fantasy or a possibility. You are both better off.

Middle Aged Woman

Yeah, I have a question. What were you thinking telling this all at once? This is multi-part agony.


Stories like this make it damn scary to have a daughter. Hope you are healing and in a better place now. Hugs to you!

Jennifer and Sandi

Wow, I don't think your alone?? Well, I know your not alone. It sounds like that whole experience made you the person you are today. That's what makes life so fun! You have a wonderful daughter and sounds like your HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY now and that's what is important!!!


- Jennifer

Mama Dawg

Thank you all for your nice words to this horrible situation. Since it has been over 7 years since the divorce, the feelings of hatred have pretty much disappeared and settled to indifference where he's concerned. Light of my life asks questions occasionally about him, but seems ok w/not having him in her life. It's an ongoing process but we're doing fine without him!


I can't believe he isn't even curious about her. He's really missing out on such a special little girl. She's awesome.

His loss.

Thanks for sharing your story!


I could hug you right now. It must've been awful, but I'm so proud of how you kicked him out. I cannot believe he's never tried to see LOML. He's missing out on such a treasure.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

I only discovered your blog a short time ago, but am blown away by your honesty and postive outlook. You and LOML were meant to be together and at least you can say you tried with the ex. Sounds like you are both better off without him.

The Stiletto Mom

What a huge jerk. It's a shame you didn't write "damaged goods" or something nastier on his forehead with a sharpie on your last night together...that would have been fitting and just!


What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I can relate to some trials and tribulations, but look at you go now. Without that schmuck teaching just how much you are really worth, you wouldn't be who you are today, and LOML wouldn't have such a wonderful, positive role model!


WOW. It must have been HARD on you at the time, to go through all of that. What an f'ing jerk. At least you have your beautiful daughter to love on. To be so young and to make such BIG decisions- you must be one strong cookie : ).

- C -

I got hitched when I was 8 months pregnant.

American in Norway

What an ASS... do you have nay idea where he is or what he is doing? probably still chasing HS girls....

You have a beautiful daughter & I think you are a super mom ... Can't be easy...but so worth it!

AZ Divorce Law Firm

The end of a marriage is a stressful time for everyone involved. When you're seeking a Arizona Divorce Lawyer, you want an experienced professional who will lighten your load – a divorce attorney who will support you and your family as you navigate these uncertain times.

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