Two Dogs Running: June 2009

On Thursday, June 4th, we met up with my best friend Mimi and her two boys. We headed out to Disney Hollywood Studios (formerly known as MGM Studios) or DHS for short.

I like some of this park, but most of it is just filler or non essential stuff for me. I have my favorite things to do in this park and then I'm done. I prefer Universal Studios for my movie based theme park, thankyouverymuch.

However, the attractions I DO like in DHS are amazing.

On the way to try to find something to do, we ran into a New York city street! Right in the middle of Florida! WTH?

LOML decided to take the subway to Toy Story Mania based on the theory that it would be faster than walking.

For the first time ever, we managed to catch Lights, Motors, Action.

Wow. I can not believe I've never seen this show before. I've caught glimpses of it when doing the Backlot Tour, but I've never actually seen the full show.

Here's a pic of one of the stunt men on fire.

I was so impressed with how long he stayed on fire before they put him out.

I was even more impressed when they showed us all the work that goes into this 30 second fire fest.

Here's two short vids of the stunts they do:

and

We had Fastpasses for Toy Story Mania which is a new show that they opened just this past year.

This is my new favorite ride at DHS. I love it! It's set up like a midway and you get to "shoot" balls and darts and other items at the screen and you rack up points based on how many targets you hit.

Here's a pic of the ceiling of the queue line.

The whole queue is decorated as board games and other childhood games. Chutes and Ladders, Candyland, Scrabble, crayones, Monkeys in a Barrel, etc....

It's visually stunning.

Here's the score from the first time I played. I rode with my mom and totally kicked her ass.

I'm player 2.

After we went and drew several times at the Animation Academy, we decided to leave the park for a while to rest. On the way out, we ran across this very, very famous (only in her head) actress.

The Streetmosphere characters are brilliant. They really get you involved in their scenarios. Lots and lots of character interaction at this park.

Later, we headed back to DHS and took a chance to ride Toy Story Mania again. This time, without a Fastpass. The line really wasn't that long. We got on pretty quickly.

Here's the kids playing while in the queue.

LOML and Mimi's two boys got along so beautifully. She really took to her oldest son (who's 11 going on 12). After that first day, they pretty much declared that they're going to ride every ride together. They talked and giggled and played. It was so awesome to watch.

Here's a vide of them playing while in the queue.

And here's the Mr. Potato Head interactive "character". He can "see" people out in the queue and will call out specifically to people. He'll say "Hey, you in the pink shirt with the green stripes" and people are always astonished to hear him speak directly to them. It's cool.

This next time, I rode with Mimi's oldest and managed to beat him. How I beat an 11 year old at an interactive game, I'll never know. I'll chalk it up to luck.

Again, I'm player 2. See how much better I did? LOL!

We finished off the night looking for some hidden Mickey's. We found one, but I don't think it's an official hidden Mickey since it can be found on several manhole covers throughout the park.

It's still neat, though.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Monday, June 22, 2009

Who Would You Do?

As promised fellas, I got some ladies up today.

Which leading female action star would you most like to have kick your ass.....and then help you "recover" later?

Angelina Jolie from Tomb Raider, Milla Jovovich from Resident Evil, Uma Thurman from Kill Bill or Jennifer Garner from Elektra?

As usual:

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Later,

Mama Dawg

Friday, June 19, 2009

Nemo, Bats and Hula Hooping Terks

On Wednesday, June 3rd, we headed on over to the Animal Kingdom.

Now, a lot of people think the Animal Kingdom is nothing but a glorified zoo.

But they're wrong.

It's, oh, so much more.

We arrived right at 8 a.m. Because we stayed on Disney property, we were allowed on this day to get into the Animal Kingdom an hour before regular opening. This is called Extra Magic Hours (or EMH for short).

This is the best time to start your day off at the Animal Kingdom. It's not too hot yet and the animals, for the most part, are still out and about.

As soon as we could, we made our way over to the Kilimanjaro Safari in Africa.

We LOVE this ride. With the exception of a few animals (elephants, rhinos, crocs, hippos and lions), the animals roam free.

As evidenced below:

Yeah, we actually had to stop to let that giraffe cross the street! If you look closely, you can see that another one is right in front of him.

So many jokes starting with "why did the giraffe cross the road?" started rolling through my head.

However, before I emabarrassed myself and my child (mom doesn't embarrass easily), I got distracted by the next photo around the curve:

That's a Thompson's gazelle at the base of the tree.

Next up was the white rhino. These beasts are simply incredible. Their sheer size is enough to make me swallow hard when thinking about being in the middle of a stampede.

Don't ask me what this is. It's just cool.

After we left the safari, we walked around just a minute until we could go get in line for the Nemo show.

This is a new show that started in the past couple of years and I've read rave reviews of it online. We ADORE the Festival of the Lion King show that's located in Camp Minnie Mickey, so we figured to try this one out.

While mom and LOML got in line, I ran over to Dinosaur to get some Fastpasses to use after the show.

I'll save you the time of a full fledged review and will instead tell you simply that it sucked. It was not a ride that we'll ever repeat.

It's rare when I dislike a ride at Disney but this one was just not any good. Sorry for any fans out there.

However, on one part of the ride, they take your pic for you to potentially purchase when you get off the ride. They always take it at a critical part of the ride so they get the best reactions.

When we got off the ride, we almost decided to walk past the picture stand but ducked in just in case.

So glad we did. As much as we disliked the ride, we got the best picture EVER! I think it's the best reaction picture that Disney's ever had.

Take a look and let me know what you think. Mom, LOML and I are on the back row. But make sure you look at the other faces as well.

We weren't allowed to take flash photography in the show at Nemo, but as long as there weren't any lights to disturb the actors, we could videotape.

The show is made up of live actors and giagantic puppets.

I know, I know. Puppets.

But......it was a great show. I had a hard time at first getting adjusted. I kept wanting to watch the actors move around instead of watching the puppets. I finally got in the hang of it around the middle and regret not going back to watch it again.

Here's two short vids of the show:

and

At that point, we headed to lunch and ate from the Flame Tree BBQ.

Oh my stars in heaven. Outside of Memphis and other places in the deep south, this has to be the most delicious BBQ I've ever had.

There were two kinds of sauces and onion rings and orange Fanta and just grease and salt and yumminess all around.

If you go, I highly recommend eating here. It's counter service, so it's quick.

We headed on over to Asia after LOML got run ragged at the Boneyard. I wanted to ride Expedition Everest since I've not ridden it before. Mom and LOML passed on the ride. I thought I had remembered that they had a single rider line that went quicker than the regular line and I was right. The wait time was only about 20 minutes in the single rider line so I baaaa'd like a sheep and fell in line.

Oh My God!

This is my new favorite thrill ride.

For real.

And the best part?

The people in the seat in front of me had an extra Fastpass that was about to expire and they just GAVE IT TO ME!

I got to ride twice in a row! Yay me!

Here's a pic of the temple that's on the path up to Everest. See how it matches the mountain perfectly? A good example of the genius that is Disney.

After Everest, we headed on over to Kali River Rapids but the line was way too long and there were no more Fastpasses so we headed on over to the Maharajah Jungle Trek and saw the creatures that lived there.

My second favorite part of the Trek is the bats.

I love bats. I didn't much like 'em before I saw them in this environment and read about them. I fell in love with this exhibit about 4 years ago.

Here's a vid of a bat. It looks like he's trying to cool himself off:

Here's my favorite part of the Trek.

The tigers.

There's no cage separating you from the tigers. You're just up really, really high and behind bars. Otherwise, they're RIGHT THERE!

I used my zoom and got this shot of him (her?) pacing the fountain.

Here's a vid of them pacing:

And here's a vid of them play pouncing. I've never seen them so playful!

Here's LOML standing in front of a tree while on the Trek. Doesn't she look cool?

Here's a mama and a baby tiger in the wading pool area.

LOML took this pic using the zoom on my camera. Pretty good shot, dontcha think?

We headed back to Africa to shop and ran into these guys performing.

Here's a vid to hear what they sound like:

We decided to head on out at that point to relax before heading on over to Disney Hollywood Studios for dinner at the Brown Derby.

As we were leaving, we ran into a hula hoop play area. While LOML was hula hooping, who should appear but Terk!

He decided to get in on the game.

LOML was running rings (no pun intended) around him.

Here they are in competition. You can see how bad LOML is kicking his ass!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Tea Cups, Flying Carpets and Race Cars

On Tuesday, June 2, we headed to the most magical lands of all......The Magic Kingdom.

Hands down, this is my favorite park EVER! Epcot is right behind, but nothing beats walking on Main Street and seeing the castle for the first, 25th or 300th time. Each time it takes my breath away.

When you arrive before the park opens, they have an opening ceremony where they invite one family to help open the parks. Characters come out, there's some singing and dancing and then some confetti and glitter.

What a way to open the park!

Here's all the characters lined up.

And here's a short vid of the ceremony.

Once we got on Main Street, we were going to head out straight towards Tomorrowland but got derailed by the sight of Mary Poppins.

She made some witty conversation with LOML. LOML had been eating some sort of blue candy and had some blue-ish teeth as a result. Mary asked if she had been eating blue cupcakes that morning.

We made a break for Tomorrowland but decided about half way there to just go straight to Fantasyland to ride the Mad Tea Cups. This has been declared our favorite family ride.

While in line, we noticed the White Rabbit himself riding in the tea cups. I've never seen this before and was thrilled to see it. I was disappointed that we weren't the ones to ride with him, but the sight of those little girls faces when they got off put a HUGE smile on my face.

I LOVE capturing LOML's face when she's riding this ride. Usually she's laughing so hard, but in this one, she's actually the one doing the "steering". She was working so hard to get it to go as fast as possible. Good thing mom and I don't easily get motion sick! She was working it!

After we got off the ride, we saw that the White Rabbit was granting autographs and pictures. Of course, we hurriedly got in line. Next to Alice and the Cheshire Cat, he's my favorite Alice character. I couldn't resist a pic.

Yeah, yeah. Make fun of my fanny pack all you like. It saved my back and wasn't a pain to mess with. I don't care if I did look like a dork with all that crap hanging off of it. I rarely had to take it off or search for stuff.

We rode a couple of more rides in Fantasyland before heading over to Adventureland. This is my favorite land in the whole park. It has Pirates of the Carribean, The Swiss Family Treehouse AND The Jungle Cruise.

Here's a short vid of our skipper on our boat.

The jokes never get old.

And here's a picture of the famous landmark......THE BACK SIDE OF WATER!!!!! (if you're a Jungle Cruise fan or have ever ridden it, you'll get this joke)

At some point, we found ourselves in Frontierland and had just sat down to take a break when these guys showed up and started singing. Not too many people stopped to listen to them, so when mom started doing her trill and clapping loudly, they took notice and had some fun with us. I love getting special attention in the parks.

After Frontierland, we decided to head back to the hotel to get some rest. When we arrived back later in the day, we decided to take the Walt Disney World Railroad over to Toontown.

When I got up on top of the train station, I took this shot of the castle.

And then I looked to my right and took a shot of my old stomping grounds, Tony's Town Square Restaurant. I miss working there.

Here's a shot of LOML waiting for the train. She purchased these Minnie ears herself. She decided on these instead of a Mickey ears hat.

When we arrived in Toontown, we toured Mickey's house and I discovered a Hidden Mickey I had never seen before.

Do you see it?

We left Mickey's and headed for Minnie's Country House. I could take or leave Toontown, but LOML loves going here, so we do.

Here's LOML on Minnie's back porch.

Who's this lady doing a puzzle in Disney World?

Why.....it's my mom!

We left Toontown after riding the Barnstormer and headed to Fantasyland to ride Mickey's Philharmagic. On the way, LOML spotted the Winnie the Pooh ride and asked if we could ride it. Mom had never ridden it before so off we headed. We wanted to eat dinner first, so we grabbed some Fastpasses to come back later and lo and behold, we got an extra surprise! We got special Fastpasses for Mickey's Philharmagic! SCORE!!!

After we rode/saw those two, we headed back to Tomorrowland to grab a quick ride on the Speedway. The line surprisingly wasn't that long and we were able to get on after a 15 minute wait. While in line, I had LOML hold up a sign for my girl Jess!

Hi, Jess!

Here's LOML checking out the mechanics of the car. She decided against accelerating and just wanted to steer.

Big mistake. LOL!

We then backtracked back to Fantasyland to catch the carrousel. I love this ride. It's over way too quick though.

We headed back to Adventureland to end out the evening and grabbed a quick ride on Aladdin's Magic Carpets.

LOML sat in front and when I asked her to look back, this is the look she gave me.

I'm in trouble when she gets older, arent' I? LOL!

If she keeps those kinds of looks up, I'm gonna need to get me a pellet gun to ward off all the boys.

Mom took this pic when I wasn't looking. I think it sums up our day quite nicely, don't you?

Later,

Mama Dawg

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Princesses, Trolls and Sharks, Oh, My!

Our first day in the parks was on Monday, June 1. The day before was the last day of Epcot's Flower and Garden Festival. We usually go during this time, but we scheduled our vacation for the week after it ended. In some ways, I'm glad we did that. I think it was not quite as crowded but on the other hand, I sure do miss the topiaries and Minnie's Butterfly garden.

I love Spaceship Earth (or the giant golf ball as LOML calls it). Look at that blue, blue sky. So gorgeous. The sky is one of the many things I miss about Florida.

Well, lookee here. We got lucky and were able to still enjoy the topiaries that Epcot puts on display during the festival. I think they're a mad genius when it comes to their Festivals.

These are the dancing ostriches from Fantasia.

We had 8:05 a.m. ADR (advanced dining reservations) for the Princess Breakfast in Askershus in Norway. The countries are located in World Showcase or the back half of the park. This is our third year to do this breakfast and as much as I'd love to not do it anymore (the expense and the fact that I'm not a HUGE fan of the princesses), I will continue to do it as long as LOML does.

And no, I'm not saying that to be nice. I'm saying that because the food in Norway ROCKS. They serve you a traditional family style breakfast at your table (large plate consisting of eggs, sausage, cheesy hashbrowns and bacon) and it's fine and all, but the buffet? TO DIE FOR!

Raspberries and blackberries as large as your thumb, smoked salmon, capers, dill cream cheese spread, lingonberry jam, biscuits, authentic Norweigan fish dishes (lots of salmon). Yummy, yummy, yummy. I could eat there all day long. I ate my weight in smoked salmon.

While you're eating, the princesses come to your table and take a few minutes with each kid. They sign autograph books, make conversation and take pictures.

The past two years, Snow White was kind of bitchy. This year, she was so sweet.

But Ariel? She was nice, but all of us left convinced she was a dude. Even LOML commented on how her hands were HUGE!

Here's a view across the water over at Japan. I snapped this as we were leaving. Since we were done with breakfast after 9 and World Showcase doesn't open until 11, we headed back to Future World to ride Soarin' and do The Land and The Seas with Nemo and Friends.

On the way back to Future World, LOML and I about died with excitement. See what she's pointing at? Yeah, that's a chocolate dipped frozen banana. Heaven in your mouth. We could not WAIT to get one!

Here's LOML inside Bruce's mouth. As much as I love Disney movies and all that, I'm a little disappointed that they Disneyfied some of the attractions. I loved the Living Seas just as it was before Nemo and friends took over.

While at the Seas, they have these interactive sections and some living sections.

By living, I mean they're like mini aquariums.

I could literally spend hours and hours just watching all the sea creatures.

I loved watching this little guy get his food. He was such a social outcast with everyone! LOL!

And I've never really seen starfish move before. It was kind of neat to watch them navigate the bottom of the tank.

After we were done with a couple of the lands in Future World, we decided to head back to World Showcase. I love World Showcase. I love the food and the shopping.

I had heard about this new interactive "game" that guests could play that took you all over one of the countries using a cell phone to give you clues. It was hosted by Kim Possible and you had to go and obtain clues to help KP save the world.

It was so much fun. We got our cell phone in Norway and ended up having to save Norway. You don't always end up saving the country you got your phone in, however.

It's also a bit educational, but not overboard. You had to go into the Stave church at one point and learn about the length of a certain Viking ship. They also had it set up to where when you went to a certain spot, they took your picture and then sent it to you via the phone! There were all sorts of places in the countries where when you pressed ok on the phone, something "magical" would happen. They also have these drop off boxes disguised as relics where you could deposit your phone once you were done with the game.

LOML had a blast. So did I. If you're making a trip anytime soon, I highly recommend this. It takes about 30 minutes to complete.

Here's LOML with her phone.

Next, we headed back to Mexico and rode the ride and shopped for a bit.

After Mexico, we went back to Norway (in the layout, Mexico comes first, followed by Norway, but since we had only done breakfast and the Kim Possible thing in Norway, we still wanted to do the ride and shop and eat...again.).

We ate lunch at Norway and had the most delicious sandwich EVER. It was thin sliced ham piled on thick with sliced green apples and either havarti or grueyere cheese melted on top. It was all between two thick slices of some sort of multigrain bread. OMG! We're gonna try to reproduce it at home.

Here's mom shaking the trolls hand. Look how HUGE that hand is. The trolls hand is HUGE, too. LOL! Just kidding, mom. Mom's actually a tiny person. All 4'11" of her.

Next was China where LOML ate her lunch of pot stickers. She LOVES pot stickers and especially the ones at China.

We shopped for a bit and then as we were on our way out of China, we saw the set up for the Chinese gymnast and stopped to watch them.

They are so frickin' impressive.

Here's the guy tossing some bowls on top of his head.

And here he is tossing a SPOON in the top bowl!

I dare anyone to try that at home.

Wait, maybe not.

Next on our stop was Germany. We just ducked in and contemplated some brats and kraut, but decided against it this time.

On to Italy!

I love the World Showcase players. They are usually incredibly hilarious. They get people from the crowd to come assist and be part of the performance, so it literally changes from show to show depending on the cooperation of the guests.

This one was in Italy and the show was Romeo and Edna. Below is a clip.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Lady and the Tramp and was so thrilled to see their topiaries up! They are made up ENTIRELY of plants.

Next stop, the American Adventure.

Well, we actually didn't stop there. I'm not really into the American Pavilion. I don't care for the show that much and the time period in which the pavillin is set is not appealing to me. Call me unpatriotic, but I don't care. The info is stuff that was pounded in my head over and over and over again in school that it ruined me forever on getting any kind of enjoyment out of this Pavilion.

After that, Japan. I love shopping in Japan. LOML's feet were tired so we took about an hour break in Japan just watching the drummers and taking turns shopping.

Next is my favorite country (or one of them). Morocco!

I LOVE the shopping Morocco. It's so exotic and mysterious.

LOML discovered these hats. I told her that if we still had some money left over at the end of the trip, I'd get her one.

Here she is in the back part of Morocco. I love all the tile work.

I've always heard about Mo Rockin', but had never heard them play. They are an incredible group that blends traditional Moroccon music with more modern sounds.

Of course, it doesn't hurt to have a genuine belly dancer there to draw in the (mostly male) crowd!

We made our way to France where we wanted to end the night. We still had the UK and Canada left to do, but we decided to call it a night and head back to the hotel for some much needed rest.

Before we left though, LOML wanted to take a pic of the treat we all shared from the French bakery.

YUM!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Monday, June 15, 2009

Who Would You Do?

Yeah, babies, I'm back. Fo' sho'.

I know, I know. I should quit talking like a wanna be gangsta. Gimme a break. I almost died in a Wal-Mart while holding a DVD of "Edward Scissorhands" on Friday. I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some prints and got caught in the middle of a tornado warning. They actually got on the intercom and told all guests and employees to get in the middle of the store. All I kept thinking was "I don't wanna die in a Wal-Mart in Mississippi while holding a weird Johnny Depp movie!" After about 10 minutes, it was downgraded to a thunderstorm warning and I was able to leave.

Anyhoo, since I left the book at home, I'm winging it today.

In honor of my recent Disney trip, it's a Disney version of "Who Would You Do?".

If you had to get stuck on "it's a small world" with one of the below hotties, which one would you not mind ducking behind the Taj Mahal with until the ride started back up: Billy Campbell from "The Rocketeer", Shia LeBeouf from "Holes", Ben Barnes from "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" or my perennial fave, Johnny Depp from "Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl"?

And men, no worries. Next week......all women choices!

As usual:

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

And how was your weekend? Any near death experiences?

Later,

Mama Dawg

Friday, June 12, 2009

We're Off To See The Wizard...

...or, more accurately, Sorcerer Mickey!

We left at the ungodly hour of 3 a.m. We were smart and had packed the car to the gills on Saturday night. Mom and LOML were in bed by like 9 and I didn't crawl/collapse until around 11 but that was o.k. since mom was taking the first leg of the trip.

The morning ride was uneventful and we arrived in Alabama for breakfast.

We decided to stop at a local watering hole. I could have sworn I had heard of the Waffle House before but the locals insisted that it was the only one on earth.

Then again, these were the locals I talked to and I don't believe they have been anywhere other than the farm. Eh, whatcha gonna do? Can't talk to a stubborn ass now can you?

Seriously, if you ever wondered how the Waffle House was able to sell their steaks so cheaply, I got a glimmer of an idea how.

You're probably wondering exactly WHY I took pictures of livestock while in Alabama at a Waffle House? No? Well, I'll tell you anyway. It's because they were there. I mean, rightthere up against the fence. It was awesome!

A gazillion hours later, we arrived at Mecca (or as the locals call it, their money maker). This is probably one of my most favorite sights on earth EVER!

We have a tradition on our first night and it includes ordering pizza to our room and drinking it down with orange Fanta. We did that the first two trips, so now it's a tradition. I was dreading getting the pizza because the last two trips it was just blah, but they must have changed up the pizza because this time, it was much better. I actually enjoyed it.

Yeah, those are bing cherries. We always bring food from home. We love our fruit and would rather bring it than pay for it.

Here's LOML chillaxin' and eating her pizza. I love how she's the one to chill out and watch t.v. while mom and I are checking in, unloading the car, ordering pizza, unpacking, etc.......Ah, to be a kid again!

Here's our view. I love Pop Century. The ambiance is so family friendly and just completely awesome. We were lucky enough to be in the 60's building at the back. It was so quiet. It was a long walk, but the quiet more than made up for it.

LOML decided she wanted to swim after eating so I let her get in her suit and jump in the pool. We stayed for about half an hour or so.

Here's a vid of her doing a flip. She's so proud!

That was our first day of our vacation. I'll post more soon!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I'm Back

I'm back. I'm exhausted (I need a vacation from my vacation), I'm NOT sunburned, I DID NOT gain any weight (despite the monstrous amounts of food I consumed) and I'm totally, totally, totally in love with Disney World even more than ever.

I am completely overwhelmed at work right now but I'll be back to posting soon.

Oddly enough, I didn't take that many pics this time. I took lots of vids but I was having too much fun to take pics this time.

I want to thank every single one of my guest bloggers. They all rock for doing this for me and I love you all for it.

Sassy, I don't know what the hell happened with your post. I did that preview before I pre-posted and it looked fine. The final result came out all screwed up and I don't know how that happened. I do apologize. Next time I'll give you the keys to the Dawg house and you can clean up my mess. LOL!

I'll post soon.

I missed you all! Well, not really, but that's because I was having too much fun!

Later,

Mama Dawg

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Tale of Betrayal

Kat, from over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow, graciously let me let her guest post over here. I like to think that Kat adds a touch of class over here at my place. That is until Jess, Kat and I get to talking about all the kinds of red we're going to paint Savannah when we all get together (when is that Kat?) at some point in the future. Below is a perfect example of the awesomeness that IS Kat.

Hi everyone. It's me, Kat from over at 3 Bedroom Bungalow. Wow, I feel like I just introduced myself at an AA meeting. Not that Mama Dawgs place is anything like an AA meeting or anything...anyhooo. (Geez I better shut up before Mama Dawg kicks my ass). Ok for those who don't know me, I an American living in England. My husband is in the Air Force and I have two little girls; LaLa is 5 and KiKi is about to turn 3. Pay attention you will need this information later. We have lived here in England since November. While we love it here there are a few things that we really do miss from back home. This is a tale about one of those things.

The village that my family and I live in is really small. I literally could walk around the the outside of the village and it would take about 40 minutes. It is small. In the village we have a convenience store, a news stand (which is also a post office), a dog groomer, a kabob shop and...oh there is a used car place. That is about it. Needless to say, moving from the States there are a few things that we don't get to enjoy very often. The other day my husband committed a huge sin. HUGE. On a scale of 1-10 this was a big fat 10.

See he ended up running to a town (Bury) that is about 30 min away to visit a music store. It is a fairly large town, actually it is more of a city. It has several shopping areas, a cinema, and the holy grail of all that is American- A McDonald's. Yes, a Mickie D's people! Now before we moved here, my family at McDonald's a lot. And by a lot I mean, at least once a week. Call me lazy, but I don't like to cook every single night. Plus, my kids love it, so it was a win win situation for me at the time. Since we have been here, my kids have ate at McDonald's twice. Once when we were in London with my parents in February. Once when we were in Cambridge in early February. It has been a while.

Now while up in Bury, my husband decides he is gonna pop into McDonald's since it is lunch time. Not a big deal in his estimation. It had been a while since he had enjoyed Ronald's artery clogging goodness and figured he was due a double cheeseburger ketchup only. Now here is his mistake. He took the order to go. He ate in the car and then left evidence of his betrayal. Now he had no clue of his betrayal. As far as he was concerned he had just ate lunch. No biggie.

Skip forward to 3:35 pm when my oldest daughter LaLa gets out of school. The FIRST thing she sees is a fast food bag with the golden arches emblazoned upon it. "You ate McDonald's?!!!" she wailed? "No, I didn't have McDonald's, your dad did. "But why didn't he take me?????" She was spiraling. "Hunny I am sure he would be more than happy to take you for lunch at McDonald's this weekend," I tried reasoning. She continued wailing and pouting for the next five minutes on the way home. Nothing I could say would calm her down. As she walked into the house she made a bee line for the living room where my unsuspecting husband was sitting.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!?!?!" She stood there in front of him crumpled a little at the waist with huge crocodile tears in her eyes. "Why didn't you let me eat McDonald's?"

My husband sat there stunned. Then looked at me for help. I stifled my laughter (cause seriously y'all it was funny) and left the room. Then eavesdropped from the foyer.

"Baby, we can go eat at McDonald's on Saturday," he tried to reason with her.

"But I want it now!" she continued to cry. She then crumpled up fully in a ball and wept.

It took cajoling and promises of treats to come to finally pacify the child. She was utterly heartbroken.

The lesson we all learned? If you are going to eat McDonald's....hide the damn bag!

Monday, June 8, 2009

Soulmates and Sasuage

Wow, oh, wow, oh, wow. I actually got the Steenkers herself to guest blog over here in my teeny tiny corner of the bloggieverse. We have this HUGE rivalry going on for the bloggie affections of Captain Dumbass (whom you read a few posts back). I secretly think I'm in the lead because of my accent, but I can feel her breathing down my neck (hold off on the onions next time you eat that sammich, Steenkers). Before I embarrass either of us a bit more, I give you Jen over at Steenky Bee.

For some reason, Mama Dawg, (old favorite) and Jess over at This Life is Mine (one of my new favorites) were under the assumption that I would be guest posting today about a stripper on a mechanical bull. I guess they assumed so because I sent them an email stating that I would be posting about a stripper on a mechanical bull.

Well, I thought long and hard about following through on my promise, but decided that in order to give this topic the sort of post it really deserved, I needed to do a little more research. You now all know exactly how I will be spending my Friday nights.

Annnnnnyway….

I believe in soulmates, do you? If you don’t you should. To prove my point, I have thoughtfully assembled two case studies for your consideration:

Case in Point #1: My Childrens’ Pediatrician, Dr. Black and his wife

A few years ago, I was searching for a physical therapist on my health provider’s web page. After identifying several therapists and reading through their online bios that not only listed their accreditations and experience but also random information about personal interests and hobbies, I thought it might be fun to see what our Pediatrician, Dr. Black had on his page.

Oh. My. Hell. It was a treat.

In an instant, I knew exactly when and where Dr. Black attended medical school and where he completed his residency. I had before me, a laundry list of medical seminars and conferences he had attended over the past 15 years. Exactly how much does one learn from a Pediatric Medicine Review held in Barbados?

But that’s not the treat part. Not at all. What I discovered about Dr. Black’s personal life had me so riveted that I could not tear myself away from his online bio for hours. Now, let me preface this by saying that, of course, I didn’t find anything the least bit illicit or even a tad risqué about the good doctor, nor did I expect to. I’m just one of those people that are easily entertained by online personal hobby lists or Youtube videos of people on getting hit in the chach.

It seems when Dr. Black isn’t in the office he is exploring his love of world sausages, with a particular interest in Ethiopian meats. These are words I thought I’d never see arranged this way in a sentence. His bio even mentions how he met his wife while touring a world-famous sausage plant in Berlin. It was shortly after this chance meeting that they discovered a shared fondness for Italian bread making, tandem bicycling and bird watching. Also unbeknownst to them at the time, prior to meeting one another, they had each volunteered for the Peace Corps and each had served as equipment handlers/operators on separate legs of a Paul Simon tour across the US.

Can you believe this? I TOTALLY CAN. I imagine both of them on that fated factory tour in Germany so many years ago. For a good portion of the tour, they have been giving each other sideways glances. Perhaps the strapping medical student on holiday in Europe even tries to make small talk with his future wife by cracking a sausage joke. It could happen. I bet Dr. Black has an arsenal of sausage jokes.

Suddenly there’s a chance encounter at the Bratworst tasting station. Their hands accidentally touch as they both reach for the same sample of meat on a stick. More heated glances are exchanged between the two until Future Mrs. Dr. Black casually mentions she’s late for an Italian Bread Festival where Paul Simon is scheduled to perform. She has to quickly be on her way if she’s going to make the first set because, as fate would have it, she has no partner to help pedal her bicycle built for two. Cue swelling, romantic music now!

If meeting at a sausage factory isn’t destiny folks, then I don’t know what is.

Oh, you should all know too, that when I see Dr. Black for a well-baby visits and whatnot, I try to work in key word phrases like, “Thanks for squeezing us in, Dr. Black. I’m off to find myself a nice Toscana loaf!” just to see if he has any reaction to me whatsoever.

Okay, I’m not really that obvious, but I have dropped subtle hints about how much better Paul Simon is sounding without that fuzzy Garfunkle harshing his sound. Our doctor is probably confused as to why I’m obsessed with the infamous 60’s duo.

Case in Point #2: Sigfried & Roy

Aw, come on. Two lion tamers? From Germany? With a penchant for magic and dressing like Liberace? Definitely soulmates.

Friday, June 5, 2009

I Drive Like A Cullen

I heart today's guest blogger. For real. She's one of my peeps. I totally get to met her in October in New Orleans. By that time, hopefully, Jess (mentioned below and in various other guest posts of mine) and I will have met and painted New Orleans a particularly shiny shade of red. Without further adieu, here's Sassy from Our Piece of Quiet.

Yo yo Dawg followers! It's Sassy in da house. Friday Funday! You know what that means: I'm all dolled up in my drinking hat, ready to hook up with Jess and the gang. She tore it up over here last time and I thought I would do my part to help rip it up in here a lil while Mama Dawg is away. Gotta give her something to look forward to. Can't have her deciding to shack up with the Seven Dwarfs and never come back.

First off, let me say what an honor it is to be asked by the big Dawg to guest post for her while she is off rubbing Goofy in an inappropriate manner.

MD, sure hope you get a good pic of the surprise on his face. Maybe the good peeps at Disney will use it for their website.

In an effort to do my part for the whole "green" movement, I give you this vintage post, coming at you all the way from 10/09/08.

The situation went down something like this:

Sweetie: Sassy, can you drive me to the cancer center that I need to be at in about one hour?

Sassy: Ok, Sweetie, I will drive you to the cancer center for your appointment, although you initially planned to go all by your big boy self, Trouble is not in school today and I have a bazillion items on my "things that should have been done yesterday" list. I mean, my Suburban can practically make the hour and a half drive itself, having made that journey so many times. So, no biggie. Let's roll.

(about 45 minutes into the hour and a half drive, as Trouble is sleeping in the back of the Suburban, Sweetie and Sassy, pressed for time, toss the trash from the tea and Chick-fil-a strips they finished wolfing down into the back seat)

Sassy: driving "with the flow of traffic", left hand "fast" lane, minding her own business Wow, look at that concrete overpass up ahead. It is really tall.

Sweetie: just as Sassy's suburban descends down the far side of the concrete overpass Wow, look. The Houston Police Department. Parked right there, just on the other side of this concrete hill. How nice that they are out on such a bright and sunny day to protect the citizens of this city.

*lights*sirens*cop motioning out of his window to Sassy to pull over to the barely there left emergency lane of the freeway*

Cop: Hello there, young, beautiful, sassy woman. You have gorgeous shiny hair. And the bluest of eyes. And...are those TRUE RELIGIONS you are wearing? Do you know what the speed limit along this boring stretch of highway is?

Sassy: Squuuueeeal. I love games! Let me take a guess...ummmm, I'll go with 65!

Cop: Good guess, and thank you for playing, but the answer is actually a cool, slow crawl of 60. Well, that is, from there, (he points) just at the top of that lovely concrete hill behind us. On the other side of that (he points again) concrete hill behind us, the speed limit is 65. May I be so fortunate to have a look at your picture, preferably in driver's license form?

Sassy: Sure! You are going to LOVE this picture. digging and digging, and digging some more through her handbag Although, it is not as great as it could have been. See, I really wanted to make a silly face, you know, like with my eyes crossed and my tongue sticking out of the corner of my mouth. That way, whenever I visited with you strapping young police officers, you would get a chuckle out of my picture and not DARE feel the need to give me a violation. Wouldn't that have been a total hoot!?! But, alas, the old hag behind the counter at the DMV said Austin has no sense of humor and wouldn't process such hysterical pictures. Then she said to just try my best to stand still while looking pretty.

Cop: (walking all bow legged to his cruiser then back to Sassy's 'burb) Mrs. Pants, would you please be so kind as to give me your autograph? Right here, on this nifty little machine that I use to collect "autographs"?

Sassy: Well, sure! I'm always kind to my peeps! Be sure to drop some comment love when you visit my blog!

Moral of the story...when driving 74 mph in a 60mph zone,

a) watch for speed traps

b) don't drive in the left hand "fast" lane...they'll get ya every time.

So, who wants to take defensive driving for me? Oh, nevermind, I've done it so many times I can do it tonight while I sleep.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Who's Cool Now?

This guest post was brought to you by LOML's Hawaii BFF (or Pseudo for those of you in the know) over at a blog known as Pseudonymous High School Teacher. I'd love to really, really, really dislike her based on the fact that she lives in Hawaii, but I can't. She's too awesome for that. So, sit back, sip a Mai Tai and enjoy her post. Oh, and don't worry, Pseudo, Max will come back, I promise. Especially if you promise to rub his belly and give him cookies out of the snack bucket.

What was Mama Dog thinking?? Asking me to guest post. I barely know what I’m doing over at my own place. But I am LOML’s BFF in Hawaii. Well, I am probably the only person she knows in Hawaii, but I’ll still take the honor.

I love being an Auntie.

You can spoil the holy crap out of the kid and then give the kid back to the parent when things go south. But Mama took LOML with her, so I guess I’ll go play with Max. He is really cute.

OK. I’m back. I think I lost Max, but he’ll probably wander back soon…

You are probably wondering WTF Mama was thinking asking me to guest blog, so I better get on it.

In honor of LOML, this post is on being an auntie.

My first experience of being an auntie I was only 16 years old. My sister is four years older than me and she had my nephew when she was 20. I loved that kid (still do) like nobody’s business and wanted so much to be the “cool aunt.”

When he was six I took him to Disneyland. Just the two of us. He wanted to ride nothing but the Autopia. Being cool, I did what I thought no parent would do. I rode the Autopia 45 times in a row. The last 35 times were his “just one more time PLEASE times.”

Finally I said, “Enough. I need to show you what fun really is.”

But he screamed his bloody head off in all the storybook rides. During Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride I thought he would claw his way under my skin.

He refused to ride anything resembling a roller coaster. Absofuckinglutely refused. What kind of kid was this?

I distracted him in Frontier Land with the shooting galleries. He was all boy there. He wanted me to buy him one of those wooden rifles.

I bribed him. Told him I would buy him one if he would go on a ride of my choosing, meaning something fast and fun.

He agreed thinking I would not hold him to it.

In my defense I did not pick the Matterhorn or Space Mountain (my two favorite rides). I selected Rolling Thunder Mountain.

While we moved up in line he asked me 167 times, “You’re not REALLY going to make me get on this if I tell you I’m too scared? Right?”

Who did he think he was dealing with? Of course I did. In my roller coaster loving mind I just knew once he had a taste he would be crying MORE! MORE! MORE ROLLER COASTERS PLEASE AUNTIE!

I was so wrong.

But at least he did not throw up on me.

I also took the kid skiing one winter and paid for his lesson. I laughed so hard I peed my snow suit when he could not snow plow and slammed into the back of the knees of a huge, overweight man and sent that man smack into the First Aid Shack.

Another time I took him to the Miniature Golf Castle and let him play video games after golf and eat so much junk food that the next day my sister took him to urgent care with a stomach ache that turned out to be him being constipated.

There was the time I took him out for dinner and we ate in the bar because I had a crush on the drummer of the band that was playing there. For years the kid thought he went to a rock concert.

One of the coolest things I did was take him to a Friday night shooting of Happy Days. I had a slutty friend who was dating Ralph Mouth and we could get in any Friday we wanted. My nephew got to hang out on the stage afterwards and meet all the cast.

And the topper. When he was 12 I talked everyone in the family into pitching in for a plane ticket for him to come to Hawaii and visit me. I was 28 and cocktailing my way through college. Mr. Pseudo and I had recently moved in together and were living in sin. What a wonderful collision of worlds that was. We took him to Chinatown and let him buy all kinds of illegal martial arts crap. In my defense we called his parents and his dad said it was OK, only that the kid could not mess with (touch) the stuff until he got home and was with his dad. I thought I had packed the weapons away but when we took him sightseeing he magically had a flying star of some kind… Let’s just say I momentarily lost my cool. And we all almost got arrested.

Fast forward 20 years and it is me and my family visiting him in LA. He’s a thirty something year old hipster and has a job where he works with a lot of rich and famous people and my kids think he is the coolest relative on the family food chain.

He takes us to a store where all the hipsters shop. The kind of store the paparazzi hang out in front of when celebrities are inside. The first thing I do is embarrass him by busting out my camera and taking a picture of my kids trying on shoes in the store. The security guard came up and told me no cameras or pictures or they would ask me to leave. My nephew pretended not to know me and ditched me for the opposite side of the store. But I followed him, because that is what irritating, visiting, embarrassing relatives do.

He headed into the half of the store that features jeans. Not the Old Navy curvy hips and thighs jeans his middle age auntie that used to be hot wears. Designer jeans. Hipster jeans. Jeans STARTING at $200.

So I browse. My first order of business was to see just how expensive these jeans could be. The answer, according to my perusing, is $598. Imagine that.

Next, I decide that for $200-$600 they must all be magic jeans. Therefore I must try some on.

But how to choose?

I’m trying to select a few pair when an adorable young sales girl that has the body of a 12 year old who has not started puberty comes up and asks if I need help. Indeed I do.

I’d like to try on some of your jeans. Cost is no option.

(I do not mention that this is because I will not actually buy anything I try on).

What brands and styles would best suit my body type?

The sweet young thing furrows her brow and carefully picks out three pair.

These would all be good choices. The waistband is a little higher than the really low ones, and the way the material doubles up it will hold you in and help camouflage your muffin top.

Yes she did.

My nephew was a couple aisles away. I don’t think he heard her. I wouldn’t want him to know his cool auntie is not so cool anymore. She is a muffin top laden middle age hunk of lump.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

How Big Is It?

When I first got Captain Dumbass's guest post and saw these words in it, I thought for a second...."oh, no, I'm not really THAT kind of blog". Because you see, he's been threatening forEVER to show me how big it really is. You can see where I'd be worried. Because, really, who wants to see his big BICYCLE? Not me, that's who. When I actually took the time to finish reading the post, I wiped my brow with relief and then started thinking about how long it would take me to build a polar bear pen. I think with my neighbor's help, we can turn the silo down the road into a pen. Yeah, that'd do it. For your entertainment pleasure, I present Captain Dumbass (or as my daughter likes to call him "Captain Dumb-you-know-what") of Us & Them.

Here I am in the South and my two favourite Southern Belles aren't even here. Just my luck. Oh well, I hope they're having fun in Disneyland. Disneyworld? Probably Disneyworld. Whatever, I didn't get to go. But, Mama Dawg did ask if I'd guest post and that was a long (as in plenty of time to do this and why leave it 'til the last minute) time ago so it's time to shake the coconut and see what comes out.

Mmmm... ya, nothing. That's usually what happens when I have to guest post. It's the pressure of having to come up with something entertaining on somebody else's blog. Performance anxiety. What? Hmm... well, I guess I should thank her for the gift she sent me and my boys. Hersey's Chocolate Peanut Butter topping for ice cream. Yum! It's awesome on ice cream. Or if you pour it straight in your mouth because you don't have any ice cream in the house and can't wait until you do. At least that's what I heard...

I jokingly told Mama Dawg that I'd send her a polar bear or a baby seal in return, but she thought the polar bear would be a great idea. Sigh. Well, I did say I'd do it. I wanted to make sure she understood what she was getting though. Sure they're soft and pretty, but this isn't Jessie the squirrel we're talking about. I told her how much they weigh and how big they get, but most people can't visualize something like that without a picture. Lucky for me I found a book at the library that combines pictures to give you perspective on things. It's called "How Big Is It?". Anyway, here's what an adult polar bear looks like beside some very tall humans.

That's 3.7 metres or twelve feet of polar bear standing on his hind legs. I don't know how big your doors are, MD, but I think he'll have to stay outside. They average between 800 to 1500 pounds, but the biggest one ever measured topped out at over 2200 pounds, and because I love you, MD, I'm going to find you the biggest one I can.

There are lots of other really cool pictures in this book as well, like how big a giant squid is, or how big the Hindenburg really was. Ever wonder just how big the asteroid that took out the dinosaurs was?

That's New York under that rock. It was about six miles across and hit the Earth at about 45,000 miles per hour. It punched straight through the Earth's crust into the magma below. You can see why the party ended for T.Rex.

Just how big were glaciers during the ice age? This is what Chicago would look like with an ice cube 2 miles thick creeping up on it. Luckily we don't have to worry about this again for few thousand years.

I hope you're having a good time, Mama Dawg, and I really hope you enjoy the present because the paper work was unbelievable.

PS. You should probably bring home a large quantity of seal meat or possibly a small whale. Forgetting to feed him would be a mistake.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Another Day in the Dawg House

I can’t believe Mamma Dawg is at Disney World! I can’t believe she left the keys to her house where I could find them! One of these days she is gonna learn…

Where the hell did I put my beer…? Hey, you! Yes, you, with the nipple tassels! Can you go and grab me another beer? Thanks lovely!

I was thinking about back in the day, before the interwebernet (yes, there was such a time), and what avenues were available to you to meet people from different parts of the land.

For me, it was being a pen-pal. I have had a pen-pal for 18 years now. We first started writing to each other in 4th grade and continued until the availability of the internet, and then e-mailing each other. Then came the invention of cell phones, with no long distance charges, so we finally got to speak to each other more than twice a year. (Used to just be on birthdays) Then we got a little older and had money and were able to fly to see each other. All in all, we have met each other three times and now use text messaging and Facebook to keep us connected!

Here is a picture of myself and long time pen-pal June:

Hotties!

I still have all of the letters that she sent me and she also has all of mine. I am one day hoping to scan all of mine in and she scan hers and make a book so we can keep the memories! No doubt the letters are priceless!

All of that was to kinda mirror what Momma D said in her earlier post about friends.

Meet as many people as you possibly can, keep the ones that make YOU a better person, enjoy yourself as much as possible and smile as often as you can! It totally works!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Who Would You Do?: The Outtakes

This guest post was brought to you by one of my favorite Middle Aged Women EVER! MAW over at Unmitigated. Please hold your applesauce til the end of the post, thankyouverymuch.

We are all familiar with Mama Dawg's Monday morning tradition of proposing a variety of sex partners, and forcing us all to choose amongst them for her amusement. I happen to know that there are several lists which never made publication. While she is helplessly enthralled to The Mouse, along with LOHL, I thought I'd share this behind-the-scenes look at just what she has withheld.

First, there's this one...

Even the atheists moan, "Oh, God!" during really great sex. Which of the following holy figures brings you closest to visions of a Supreme Being? Gandhi, Mother Teresa of Kolkata, St. Francis of Assisi, or Martin Luther, founder of modern Protestantism? Remember, you can only pick one!

What about this politically incorrect one....

John F. Kennedy and Bill Clinton made sex in the White House, well, sexy! They don't call them "heads" of state for nothing, you know. Which former president would you like to haunt the Lincoln Bedroom with? Martin Van Buren (sweet sideburns o' love!), John Tyler (he can Tippy my canoe!), Harry S Truman (what did he say stops here??), or Richard M. (18-And-a-Half-Minutes-of-Love) Nixon? Remember, choosing more than one can get you a congressional subpoena!

And, finally....

Sweet, Golden Moments of Love, brought to you by the Golden Girl of your choice. Who will it be? Seductress Rue McClanahan, Dominatrix Bea Arthur, Wide-Eyed, Innocent Betty White, or Snarky, Sexy Estelle Getty ? Picture your date on one of those Miami-area topless beaches. Once you've finished gouging your own eyes out with a spork, I'm sure the lovin' will be hot!