Friday, June 5, 2009

I Drive Like A Cullen

I heart today's guest blogger. For real. She's one of my peeps. I totally get to met her in October in New Orleans. By that time, hopefully, Jess (mentioned below and in various other guest posts of mine) and I will have met and painted New Orleans a particularly shiny shade of red. Without further adieu, here's Sassy from Our Piece of Quiet.

Yo yo Dawg followers! It's Sassy in da house. Friday Funday! You know what that means: I'm all dolled up in my drinking hat, ready to hook up with Jess and the gang. She tore it up over here last time and I thought I would do my part to help rip it up in here a lil while Mama Dawg is away. Gotta give her something to look forward to. Can't have her deciding to shack up with the Seven Dwarfs and never come back.

First off, let me say what an honor it is to be asked by the big Dawg to guest post for her while she is off rubbing Goofy in an inappropriate manner.

MD, sure hope you get a good pic of the surprise on his face. Maybe the good peeps at Disney will use it for their website.

In an effort to do my part for the whole "green" movement, I give you this vintage post, coming at you all the way from 10/09/08.

The situation went down something like this:

Sweetie: Sassy, can you drive me to the cancer center that I need to be at in about one hour?

Sassy: Ok, Sweetie, I will drive you to the cancer center for your appointment, although you initially planned to go all by your big boy self, Trouble is not in school today and I have a bazillion items on my "things that should have been done yesterday" list. I mean, my Suburban can practically make the hour and a half drive itself, having made that journey so many times. So, no biggie. Let's roll.

(about 45 minutes into the hour and a half drive, as Trouble is sleeping in the back of the Suburban, Sweetie and Sassy, pressed for time, toss the trash from the tea and Chick-fil-a strips they finished wolfing down into the back seat)

Sassy: driving "with the flow of traffic", left hand "fast" lane, minding her own business Wow, look at that concrete overpass up ahead. It is really tall.

Sweetie: just as Sassy's suburban descends down the far side of the concrete overpass Wow, look. The Houston Police Department. Parked right there, just on the other side of this concrete hill. How nice that they are out on such a bright and sunny day to protect the citizens of this city.

*lights*sirens*cop motioning out of his window to Sassy to pull over to the barely there left emergency lane of the freeway*

Cop: Hello there, young, beautiful, sassy woman. You have gorgeous shiny hair. And the bluest of eyes. And...are those TRUE RELIGIONS you are wearing? Do you know what the speed limit along this boring stretch of highway is?

Sassy: Squuuueeeal. I love games! Let me take a guess...ummmm, I'll go with 65!

Cop: Good guess, and thank you for playing, but the answer is actually a cool, slow crawl of 60. Well, that is, from there, (he points) just at the top of that lovely concrete hill behind us. On the other side of that (he points again) concrete hill behind us, the speed limit is 65. May I be so fortunate to have a look at your picture, preferably in driver's license form?

Sassy: Sure! You are going to LOVE this picture. digging and digging, and digging some more through her handbag Although, it is not as great as it could have been. See, I really wanted to make a silly face, you know, like with my eyes crossed and my tongue sticking out of the corner of my mouth. That way, whenever I visited with you strapping young police officers, you would get a chuckle out of my picture and not DARE feel the need to give me a violation. Wouldn't that have been a total hoot!?! But, alas, the old hag behind the counter at the DMV said Austin has no sense of humor and wouldn't process such hysterical pictures. Then she said to just try my best to stand still while looking pretty.

Cop: (walking all bow legged to his cruiser then back to Sassy's 'burb) Mrs. Pants, would you please be so kind as to give me your autograph? Right here, on this nifty little machine that I use to collect "autographs"?

Sassy: Well, sure! I'm always kind to my peeps! Be sure to drop some comment love when you visit my blog!

Moral of the story...when driving 74 mph in a 60mph zone,

a) watch for speed traps

b) don't drive in the left hand "fast" lane...they'll get ya every time.

So, who wants to take defensive driving for me? Oh, nevermind, I've done it so many times I can do it tonight while I sleep.

6 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Gaston Studio



LMAO! Gahhhhhhhhhhh I HATE getting pulled over! The last time I got pulled over the cop accused me of being drunk AND high. Now, I will say I had a beer, which I blew a .05...then he waited 15 minutes and made me blow again... .05 (he was a total when he couldn't get me on the drunk thing he decided to search the car for drugs. He found some hamburger bun seeds and told us they were pot seeds. I laughed. He sent us on our way, saying that we needed to pull over at the next stop and get something to eat because we were all DRUNK. Oh! And this was Christmas Eve at 9:00 at night. SOB.

All of that was to say, note 74 in a 60. Got it.

I HAVE GOT TO GET A DRINKING HAT! I am in the process of working on that.

sassy stephanie

Oh yikes. This is all jumbled. Must have been done on the cutting room floor. MD, too much Goofy on the brain. LOL

This blogger sounds like she is da BOMB. And, long, lean and has a tight ass.

Captain Dumbass

Nice work, Sassy. Last ticket I got I had a lady Mountie. My charm didn't work so well once she saw my infant son in the back seat. Then she gave me the biggest ticket she could without actually shooting me.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

Loved the speeding story. And I'm jealous the Captain gets to call his 'Mounties." hmpf


Ha ha I got pulled over just two days ago for driving about 20 miles over and the cop (hotness-liscious) just gave me a $10 ticket for not having my insurance paper with me!

Boooooy did I get lucky!!!!
PS: Your drinking hat ROCKS!

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