Wednesday, December 31, 2008

A Dog and His Girl

I don't know if I told you the whole story of how Max came to be part of the Dawg household.

As you know, I'm on the road 2 hours a day with my commute.

I live in the country and have to drive through the country roads to get to my place of employment.

I see lots of dogs on the side of the road that are strays. While my heart tends to go out to them, they look "healthy" enough at a quick glance so I just drive on by.

Back in September (I think it was September), I was driving home from work and had to slow down for some traffic that was turning.

I saw this poor pitiful creature on the side of the road. He was starving so bad, I could see his ribs from where I my car on the road. That's how bad he looked.

I didn't even think, I just pulled over, hopped out of the car and grabbed him up.

I have NEVER done anything like that before. I've thought about it lots of times, but I never went through with it.

I brought him home and immediately fed him.

Funny thing. I've never had a dog before. I don't feed any strays at my house. Yet, I had a bag of dog food in my trunk and a can of wet dog food in my house.

Fate? Maybe.

I put him out on the back porch on a blanket and popped open the can of wet food and gave him a bowl of water.

He was so sweet and had the most trusting eyes. He got to the point that when I would go check on him, he's raise up his head and start thumping his tail at the sight of me.

Yeah, my heart melted.

There was never any doubt from the moment that I picked him up that I would keep him.

Over the course of a couple of months, he's grown and gotten so big. We had initially thought that he might be about 6-8 months old, but when we took him to the vet to get de-wormed, turns out he was a lot younger than that. I had rescued him when he was about 3 MONTHS old!

He's such a puppy. But...he's HUGE. At least HUGE for an almost 6 month old.

He's healthy and happy.

And totally in love with Light of My Life.

The feeling is mutual.

Here's the evidence below.

This is his daily ritual. He sits patiently while she disembarks from the bus.

He doesn't move until she calls out his name.

Then his whole body goes into waves of pleasure and he just goes crazy.

He loves her.

And she loves him.


Mama Dawg

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Guess Who Got Lucky Last Night?

*Edited...I forgot to add that the pic request was for you to pick up a camera at that instant that you read the tag and post it. Not just any's one of you...raw.

Yep. I did.

I sure did.

At least.....I think I did.

I don't remember it really.

But I'm sure I did.

When I rolled drowsily out of bed this morning, I noticed he left his calling card.

He must of been a leprechaun.

That explains the lack of memory.....he must have been too "wee" for me to feel.

I apologize in advance for this next picture. Both MAW and Churchpunkmom tagged me for this one.

Please excuse the lack of a haircut. I'm in dire need. Quit yelling at me.

Yes, I know I have disgusting habits. Bite me. Or should I say...pick me.

I wanna see pics of Rhea, Kat, Mariah, Irish Gumbo and Captain Dumbass.

Oh, and one other thing.

I'm so late on this....but....yesterday?

Was my one year blogiversary!

Yay me! 418 posts, 22846 visitors and countless new friends later...I'm just getting started.

Have a good Tuesday everyone!


Mama Dawg

Monday, December 29, 2008

Who Would You Do?

Good Last Monday Morning of 2008. It's time again for "Who Would You Do?" (book by Susan Segrest)

Just for you boys, it's all girls today. (Girls, you play along, too.....I just did this cause the guys were bitchin' that I hadn't done any girl choices lately)

You are a guest on The View. You chat, you flirt, you promote your blockbuster movie and by one, each of the hosts slips you a little note inviting you back to her dressing room. Who would you rather do: Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, Elizabeth Hasselbeck or Barbara Walters?

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.


Mama Dawg

P.S. Guys, I swear, next time...HOTTTTT girls just for you.

Friday, December 26, 2008

After the Chaos Has Ensued

I hope everyone had a fun-filled, drama-free, fattening foods eaten all damn day and night Christmas and any other holiday that was celebrated in the last two days.

We had a very good Christmas. I love living closer to my family for the holidays. Less stress and I can go home after the presents are opened. That's my kind of holiday.

The festivities started on Tuesday night. I feel like there's something in my hair, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is.

Here's LOML in her new robe and matching pants that she opened on Christmas Eve. She's standing next to the TV tray we had to put Santa's Eggnog and cookies on due to the fact that we have a dog now. No more treats left on the hearth. Sorry Santa! This year, he got 2 sugar cookies, 3 shortbread cookies and one Sandie. And yes, that is a special eggnog mug. They're vintage milk glass eggnog cups with old-fashioned snow scenes on them. I got them at an antique fair held on a plantation in Louisiana several years ago. I adore them. We hung up 7 stockings this year. LOML, her baby doll Mabel, Jesse the Squirrel, Monica the fish, JD and Mike the cats and Max the dog. Everyone had something in their stockings. Mabel got some baby doll stuff. Jesse got sunflower seeds in a package with a bow, Monica got new gravel, JD & Mike got treats and Max got balls (yes, in addition to the ones he currently possesses between his legs), treats, a rope chew toy and a hot dog chew toy with a squeaky in it.

LOML got all sorts of jewelry making stuff. Beads, findings, tools, storage boxes, etc.......She also got candy and gum and pencils and colored pencils and notebooks and bath stuff and Barbie stuff and art stuff and miniature games and canvasses and joke stuff and hot cocoa and on and on and on and on....

Oh, yeah. And she got an easel. She's still trying to figure out how Santa got that in the bag AND in the house.

Her favorite thing she got this year? An actual PHOTOGRAPH of the North Pole (including a reindeer and Santa. She's pretty convinced that the reindeer in the picture is Comet). She had asked him for a picture of the North Pole and boy, did Santa deliver. Next year, she's determined to get him to give her a picture of the elves.

She about killed me this year. In the past years, I've been able to keep her from getting up too early. For my benefit, of course.

This year?


She was up at 3:30 IN THE MORNING!!!

I gave in and let her do the Santa thing but then declared that "WE WERE GOING BACK TO BED".

We then went back to bed til 8:30 and woke up to sausage and homemade pancakes. Yummy, yum, yum.

Here's a toy that Max got from my mom. Within 10 minutes, he had the ear almost chewed completely off. Damn dog.

Here's LOML checking out her stocking stash.

Later that day, we went over the river (creek) and through the woods (up a gravel road w/trees hanging over) to Grandmother's house.

We DID NOT do appetizers like we had at Thanksgiving. Thank the sweet baby Jesus. Cause I couldn't handle a non-traditional Christmas. I'm loosey-goosey on a LOT of things, but not my holiday traditions.

Here's the silverware holders I got from Lillian Vernon a couple of years ago that we used for the first time this year. I love these. I'm not a cutesy-cutesy person when it comes to decorating, but I LOVE these.

We also do crackers every year. If you don't know what a cracker is it's (to quote from this website):

In its simplest form, a cracker is a small cardboard tube covered in a brightly colored twist of paper. When the cracker is pulled by two people, each holding one end of the twisted paper covered tube, the friction creates a small explosive 'pop'. This 'pop' is produced by a narrow strip of chemically impregnated paper. The cracker tears apart and out of the cardboard tube tumbles a bright paper hat, a small gift, a balloon and a motto or joke. It is a running joke that all the jokes and mottos in crackers are unfunny and unmemorable. Similarly, in most standard commercial products, the "gift" is equally awful, although wealthier individuals—notably, the royal family—may use custom crackers with more expensive rewards.

In addition to Christmas Crackers, "Crackers" are used as decorative party favors to celebrate a variety of other special occasions and festive events. The pulling of crackers and donning of the party hats creates a relaxed, festive atmosphere certain to get any party function off the ground. Crackers provide a colorful and exciting start to any celebration, and also present each guest with a gift by which to remember the days events. At Christmas, crackers make great tree ornaments, stocking stuffers, and welcoming gifts for visiting friends and relatives. They can also be used as invitations, promotional gifts, an advertising medium, shower and wedding favors, and individualized gifts for special occasions such as Valentine's Day and Mother's Day.

This is the remarkable story of the Cracker - an unique insight into one of Britain's most enduring traditions which continues to bring pleasure to all ages and generations, from children to grandparents.

We're not British, but mom discovered this a long time ago and it's now been woven into our Christmas tradition.

Normally, we get just regular crackers with some cheap little toys in them but this year, we got a brand called Tom Smith (the quote is from their website) that had AMAZING GIFTS in them. Pictures and descriptions later in the post.

Here's the spread. There's a salty ham, baked cheese grits, broccoli casserole, dressing with chicken, potato & artichoke casserole (thanks again K for that recipe!), apricot salad (yuck), relish tray and pimento and cheese sandwiches. With the exception of the potato and artichoke casserole, the rest of the foods are our traditional Christmas spread. Give or take a few more dishes. We also had a chocolate pie and a sweet potato pie. Yummy.

Here's LOML trying in vain to pop open her cracker!

Here's the corny joke that was in my cracker. So lame...but, that's the tradition!

This year, the crackers held some AWESOME gifts. My aunt, C, got a pair of silver and cubic zirconium earrings. I got a silver pen, my mom got a silver magnetic clip, my grandmother got a silver heart cell phone charm that we put on her purse zipper instead, my aunt M got a silver bracelet and LOML got a black satin lipstick case. We are totally getting Tom Smith crackers from now on. We usually get plastic pink frogs or plastic yellow compasses inside our generic crackers. But not this year!
Here's the earrings my aunt C got.

Here's my aunt C after she opened her cracker.

Here's LOML laughing at some of the corny jokes. You also get paper crowns in the cracker for you to wear. We all wore ours through out dinner and present opening. Mine kept slipping. What does that say about me, you think?

Here's a typical scene at Christmas at my grandmother's. Kids and dogs and food.
Max and Bailey are trying to charm LOML out of her ham and other goodies.

Santa left a special gift for LOML at my grandmother's house. If you can't read the note on the package, it says: "You've been naughty, so here's the scoop. You get nothing but snowman poop" and the bag was filled with miniature marshmallows. She loved it!

And here's LOML at the end of the festivities. She's wearing a bow from a package in her hair. And yes, it was hot enough to wear a short sleeved T-shirt. Damn global warming.

All in all, it was a terrific Christmas. I got a photography studio in a box (for my etsy jewelry), a Disney book written by the Imagineers (the biggest surprise present that I AM IN LOVE WITH), some cash, a bird feeder, 2 decorative perfume bottles, handmade earrings by LOML, coasters, etc.......It truly was a wonderful Christmas. My big present from my mom I got back in the summer. It was my china cabinet and it's going to continue to be my Christmas present until next year as well as 2 birthday presents! But, it's all good. I LOVE my china cabinet.

How was your Christmas? Was Santa good to you and yours? Get anything good? Get anything bad?


Mama Dawg

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Tis the Day to Celebrate!!!

Merry Christmas!

Love and kisses to everyone!
Mama Dawg

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

A Cautionary Christmas Tale by Dave and Bob

Dave and Bob decided that they wanted to go out and cut down their own Christmas trees for their families at a local tree farm. They trudged through many, many acres of trees and saw a stand of trees far off in the distance that looked perfect.

Dave and Bob made their way to said trees and stood around admiring them in all their glory.

All of a sudden, Bob said, "Dave, do you smell something? Holy crap, what's that stomping noise?"

Dave, being clueless as usual, heard and smelled nothing and continued on admiring the trees.

A shadow looms over the dandy duo as they start to get out their equipment.

Suddenly, Bob feels something rather large breathing down his neck. He turns and sees Missy the Moose bearing down on their rather tiny bodies.
Bob starts screaming like a little bitch, "Run Dave, for God's sake, run like the wind."

Alas, Dave wasn't quite quick enough. As Bob stood there screaming like a little girl at Dave, "Run to the fucking trees, you moron!", Missy the Moose raises her rather large size 400 hoof and proceeds to step on Dave's head.

Bob just stands there in disbelief. His friend had just been stepped on by a rather disproportional moose that had an idiotic grin on her face.

Moral of the story:

Don't let Mama Dawg get within ten feet of a camera when she's been making a bazillion cupcakes for various parties and there are all sort of goodies in the kitchen that she can play with. Especially keep her away from icing, die cut sprinkles and giant mooses (moosi? moose?) that, no kidding, shit jelly beans.


Mama Dawg

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know, I know. I'm late.

But that's okay. You're known as the miracle worker, so it shouldn't be a problem.

What's that? You're not known as the miracle worker? The miracle worker is Annie Sullivan? Who's that? I thought it was you or Jesus. I get you two confused all the time. With all the mixing of the pagan and Christian holidays, you know.

Anyhoo, sorry for the mistake.

Since I got off to such a bad start, let me start over.

Dear Santa,

I know I'm late. Please forgive me oh red hot jolly one, sir. (a little ass kissing never hurt anyone, am I right?)

There's a few things that this Mama Dawg would like for Christmas this year and since they're not really things you can purchase in a store or online (yes, yes, I know...if you can buy a piece of ABC gum from Justin Timberlake on eBay, you should be able to buy ANYTHING on line, but I promise you, you can't buy these presents), I thought I'd turn to you. Cause you know, that whole miracle worker thing.

Dammit, did it again.

You know what, you're just gonna have to accept this letter, mistakes and all. Cause that's what I'm all about. Accepting people, mistakes and all.

I'll get off my own soapbox about acceptance and get on with the show.

Here's my Christmas Wish List:

1) I'd like someone to scoop the cat litter for me. This is a chore that I ABHOR with my whole being. I'll clean the box and put in fresh litter, but I HATE scooping it.

2) I'd like 50 followers by the end of the year. Yeah, I know. Blogging isn't about "popularity" but that's not the reason I want 50 followers. I just think 50 is a better number than 42. More round, ya know?

3) Ever since I did that post on women in my office whose va jay jay's smell like lilacs and roses and vanilla, "Betty" has become increasingly jealous and would like her own signature scent. She's torn between the smell of warm freshly baked bread, filet mignon or Opium perfume. I'm trying to dissuade her from anything that smells edible.......wait, maybe not. I need to re-think that one.

4) I'd like my sales on etsy to increase. So, can you spread the word for me? Does Mrs. Claus need a lanyard or an eyeglass cord or a pair of earrings? If so, I'm your gal.

5) I'd like for a special baby to be born. One to save all humanity from one of life's most horrible of atrocities. I'd like this baby to grown up to attend MIT and to invent an on command, self heating toilet seat. Cause when I get up in the morning (or as I'd like to refer to it...the middle of the night), that seat is frickin' COLD. I can't be the only one that feels this way, right?

6) I'd like for Britney Spears to get better and be happy and healthy in 2009. Yes, I know. She's trash. But, my heart bleeds for her. It really does. Plus, I truly think that in order to improve living conditions in Louisiana post-Katrina, they really need someone to rally around. And since she's a homegirl from Kentwood, who better to rally around than Ms. Brit?

7) I'd like for Max (my dog) to learn to come when called.

8) I'd like for someone to make a non-foul tasting Germ-X so when I eat something with my hands right after using said Germ-X on my hands, I don't have ethyl alcohol tasting brownies.

9) I'd like to be able to wish away extra pounds. Just wish them into thin air.

10) I'd like all my readers and followers and friends to have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and all that jazz. Cause they all deserve it.

If you could get on this list chop-chop, I'd appreciate it. You're da bomb, Santa. You truly are.


Mama Dawg

Monday, December 22, 2008

Who Would You Do?

Good Monday morning to all you full-of-Christmas-spirit people out there in blog land.

I have a special Christmas "Who Would You Do?".

It's special for two reasons.

1) I came up with this one on my own. It's not from the book.

2) It's all about the Santas, baby!

Which Santa would you like to bring you milk and cookies? Tim Allen, Paul Giametti or Billy Bob Thornton. Click on each name for pics of the guys in Santa drag.

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.


Mama Dawg

P.S. I actually had to wear these this morning. Plus a scarf and my leather coat. I was in short-sleeves on Saturday and in flannel p.j.'s last night. It was supposed to be 16 degrees this morning.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Funny Joke

My daughter and I are at the library this gorgeous rainy Saturday (by the way, all you Yankees? Yeah, eat it. I'm wearing a short sleeved shirt today! Boo-yah!)

Anyhoo......she's getting all into this technology thing and I just set her up her own e-mail account with Yahoo. She sent me a funny joke that I had to share.

I'm handing the keyboard over to her right now.

Everything in purple is her own words.

there was a boy who asked What does your dad do?

He's a magician he cuts people in half.

How many sisters do you have?

i have three half sisters!!!!!

Bada bing. There you go folks. The next Last Comic Standing at your service. You saw her here first.

Happy Saturday!


Mama Dawg

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Bacon Tale

Did she say bacon?

Hey, let's go find the bacon.

Maybe it's over here........nope.

Hey stupid, the bacon's not up here. Why did you tell me it was?

I's gonna go find de bacon all by mysef since you cain't be nice.

Nope, not de bacon. But she tastes good!

Ewwwww....dat's not bacon.

Holy schmoly, dat's fer sure not bacon!

Gimme de bacon before I turn on you, HUMAN!

Dreamin' of bacon. Mmmmmmmmm........

I hope you have delicious dreams this weekend. Even if it includes bacon!

If you wanna join in, click on over to
Carrie's for more fun!


Mama Dawg

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Who Burned My Effin' Sausage? Oh, Yeah...

This weeks Writer’s Workshop had a prompt that asked us to talk about a favorite winter memory.

Now, I’m sure I have some that are sweet and mushy and all that.

But the one that stands out in my head is the one where I almost burned down the house and ruined Christmas for EVERYONE including my little cousin who was desperately waiting for Santa Claus to come visit her.

Don’t ask me the year. I’m too old to remember the 1990’s.

Not really, but I seriously don’t remember what year it was. They’re all mixed up in my head.

The usual tradition for our family is to go to my grandmother’s house for Christmas.

Back when we lived in Florida and New Orleans, this would normally mean that we would STAY with my grandmother.

Now, for all you Yankees and hottie Canadians, I don’t want you snorting your Starbuck’s and Tim Horton’s through your nose when I tell you what I’m about to tell you.

It got cold here one year.

Yep…it got so cold…the pipes FROZE and our electricity was cut off due to a storm.

All we had in the house to keep us warm was a large free standing wood burning heater.

Yes, wood-burning.

Yes, free standing.

Yes, this was our ONLY heat source.

So, we’re all in the house and it’s breakfast time.

If you know Mama Dawg, you know she likes her pig. Preferably in the sausage variety. Preferably at breakfast time in the links variety.

I had gone and gotten a pie tin and put a few sausage links in it but of course, no microwave or stove to heat it up.

So, bright idea….I’d set the pie tin on top of the free standing wood burning stove and let it heat up that way. And, while it was heating up, I’d go outside and find a quiet spot to take care of bidness (cause when the pipes are frozen, you can’t flush…for real), leaving the sausage all by its lonesome on top of the free standing wood burning heater.

Brilliant, right?


Why, oh, why, did no one ever tell me (cause I was a teenager and couldn’t figure this shit out for myself for some reason) that sausage produces it’s own grease? Even after it’s already been cooked?

And that if you add something that has grease in it to a hot object, the grease melts and begins to pop?

And that if it happens to pop inside the free standing wood burning heater, it would cause smoke like you’ve never seen before come roiling out of the top like Dementors Gone Wild?

Yeah…….that’s my story about how I almost ruined Christmas for everyone.

Luckily, we found it in time and were able to stop the smoke and the beginnings of the flames.

Needless to say, Mama Dawg didn’t get her sausage that day (that’s what she said…that was for the MIA Steenky Bee).


Mama Dawg

P.S. If you wanna read more stories, go on over to Mama Kat's for more.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Female Version of a Man-Cold

Not really.

I WAS sick. But it was much, much worse than a man-cold.

I've been sick. Real sick.

It all started on Sunday night.

I'll spare you the details. All I'll say is I had a portabello mushroom flavored pork tenderloin sandwich on sourdough bread with provolone cheese for dinner and a brownie for dessert. And I (plus my toilet) saw it all over again in a different form about 9 hours later.

Mr. Toilet and I are now BFF's. We have a firm understanding that as long as I keep him clean, he'll always be there for me.

Good to know.

It was a 24 hour bug. I had actually come into work (remember, I drive an hour EACH WAY to work) on Monday morning, only to sit down and promptly get back up to drive home.

I apologize now to all those driving on Highway 7 for my Gatorade and half dry bagels re-visit. I promise never to leave a lime green puddle on the highway again.

I learned my lesson. If you throw up a couple of hours before you're due at work, just don't go in. It's OK to call in sick. In fact, your asshole co-worker will loudly proclaim that you "JUST NEED TO GO HOME CAUSE I AIN'T GOT NO MORE PTO DAYS AND I CAIN'T AFFORD TA BE SICK RIGHT NAW" and same asshole co-worker will follow you as you leave through the door spraying Lysol in your wake.

Thank goodness for mommies who live with their grown children.

Yes, I could have taken care of myself but I am glad that my mom was there to bring me small cups of ginger ale (even though I was so dehydrated that I felt I could have downed all of Niagara Falls...twice) and a few unsalted saltines (that's what they call an oxy-moron, right?).

The worst part? I couldn't hug or kiss Light of My Life. I didn't want to pass on the germs. I actually cried a bit because I couldn't hug her and cuddle with her like normal. Broke my heart.

(I know that I haven't fully recuperated because I'm sitting here actually enjoying Nickelback in my iPod when normally it makes me want to toss my iPod against a wall....hard)

Anyhoo...I took yesterday off as well to finish feeling better.

I'm 100% better now.

However, my mom is not.

Now I feel like shit for passing it on.

Chances are, Light of My Life will get it and be out on Friday. The last day of school. The day she gets to go to school in her pj's and watch The Polar Express and sit in desks that have been arranged like a passenger train and drink hot chocolate and eat all sorts of sugary crap that kids thrive on.

I hate female versions of man-colds.


Mama Dawg

P.S. Thanks to all that were concerned for me. I was not ignoring any of you. I even managed to make it to the library yesterday to check e-mail and a few blogs. All of you are lovely, lovely people for being concerned.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday Foto Fiesta Finish

Do you feel a breeze?

I feel a breeze.

For the life of me, I can NOT figure out where it's come from.

It's a real head scratcher.

Oh, well, Happy (real early or real late) Mardi Gras!


Mama Dawg

If you wanna join in on more foto fun, click on over to Candid Carrie's!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Writer's Workshop

This assignment was "What would you say to a mouse who could talk?"

Mama Dawg: WTF? I can not believe a damn mouse has gotten in my drawers again! This is like the 20th damn mouse.

Mouse: Excuse me. Please don’t cuss. My ears are sensitive to negativity and your cussing just makes it worse.

MD: ?

M: Don’t look at me with that stupid expression on your face. You’ve suspected for years that animals could talk. Or at least understand.

MD: ?

M: Yeah, hello * waves tiny paw in face * you there. I’m talking to you.

MD: You spoke.

M: Um, yeah. I think I just went over that. What are you, stupid?

MD: And you insulted me!

M: There we go. There’s the famous Mama Dawg all us mice have grown to know and love.

MD: I’m famous?

M: For sure. All members of the animal community conversate.

MD: Conversate isn’t a real word.

M: You have a talking mouse in front of you and all you can think to do is correct my grammar?

MD: Sorry, habit. I have an 8 year old, you know.

M: Yes, I do know. She’s cute.

MD: Thanks!

M: So….. * twiddles fingers *….how ya doin’?

MD: Good, and you?

M: Doing real well, actu….

MD: Wait a minute. I’m pissed at you.

M: Come again?

MD: You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. I’ve had to throw out about 6 sweaters and a couple of shirts from where you’ve either shit so much on them that the stains are forever set or you’ve chewed massive holes in inappropriate places.

M: Language, dear, language.

MD: Um, in case you haven’t noticed, this is MY house. And I’ve already killed like bazillions of you already in those death traps.

M: Also, please don’t exaggerate, it’s not becoming.

MD: Uh, whatever. Seriously, what’s up with all the chewing?

M: It’s simple my dear. We like your laundry detergent. It’s got a lovely aftertaste. Especially when combined with a cotton blend.

MD: Really? That’s why you guys do it.

M: No. We’re mice, stupid. It’s what we do.

MD: Oh, yeah? Um…I got nothing.

M: Yeah, that’s what I thought bee-yotch. Now, go get me some cheese.

MD: * walks away grumbling * F*&%ing mouse.

M: I heard that!

MD: * comes back with some cheese on a wooden rectangular “plate *

MD: Here you go, some fresh Gouda on a platter.

M: That’s better. Utensils?

MD: Seriously?

M: But of course. We ARE civilized mice.

MD: Well, I don’t have any tiny enough to fit in your paws.

M: Fine, I’ll just walk on up to the cheese and eat it with my paws.

MD: Knock yourself out.

M: * starts yanking on cheese with tiny paws *

M: What’s up with this cheese. I can’t pull it o……SNAP

MD: Who’s the stupid bee-yotch now?


Mama Dawg

P.S. This little writing exercise was brought to you by Mama Kat. For more stories and posts, click here.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


**edit....TMM's response is at the bottom. This is why she RAWKS!!!

I got tagged by Tattooed Minivan Mom sometime last week and she's been sending me all these threatening e-mails that say something to the effect of "effin' me up if I don't post this meme".

Since I love my child and my pets and would like to stay around for many more years (at least until Light of my Life has children), I thought I'd get this up as quickly as possible before she really turns violent.

So, without further Abubu*, here we go.

1. What is your funniest childhood story?

Other than the time I farted when in kindergarten and cracked the whole class up? I don’t have one.

2. What would your dream dress look like if you could design it?

Naked, baby! Naked. Is it possible to get married naked?

3. What weird habit does your hubby have?

Don’t have a hubby. But if I had one, I would say that his weird habit would be the INSANE amounts of money that he just tucks away in hidey-holes all over my purse and in my wallet.

4. How many cookbooks are in your kitchen?

I can’t count that high.....I only have ten fingers. And I only use 3 of them. Go figure.

5. Granny panties or loyal Victoria Secret girl?

How about Granny Victoria Secret panties? Does she make such a thing? No? Then I’ll have to go with a cross between the two. I buy mine at Wal-Mart (not to be confused with Raymond who shops at K-Mart and it sucks.)

6. My favorite memory from 2008 so far is...

Wow!!! I can’t pick. I have so many good ones. Most of them involve Light of my Life.

7. I secretly...…

...have a major lust on for Eminem. Yeah, I know. Bite me. That bad boy behavior and the intense look in his eye lets me know that he would be the best wham-bam-up-against-a-brick-wall-thank-you-ma’am lovah evah!

8. I could really go for...

A margarita or a martini right now. Hell, that’s every day. Damn dry county.

9. We are going to have a big snow storm and you will find me...…

...outside with my arms and mouth wide open. Bring it, snow bitch, bring it!

10. I knew he was the one...…

...when he was the first one of the two guys I gave my number to that fateful night that called. Yeah, I'm a slut. I know it. I prefer to think of myself as "easy-going" and "not picky". But, whatever.

That's it!

Have a great Wednesday!


Mama Dawg

* Name that movie!

**"What's up farting, naked, no husband having, 3 fingered, Walmart granny panty wearing, indecisive, Eminem lusting, alcoholic, snow bitch antagonizing SLUT.

I'll call off the muscle. Just lock all your doors and windows for a few. They were supposed to do their dirty work this morning. Hopefully they have their cellies turned on.

Have a nice day!"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Puttin' On My Braggin' Pants

Yeah, I don't know what the hell that means either. It just sounded funny.

I've been remiss lately bragging about my daughter.

Yes, I'm going to brag. I'm a mother and it's my right. Says so in the Constitution (since everybody seems to say everything says so in the Constitution, I thought I'd add to the list).

My kid is awesome.

Truly, truly awesome.

Since Kindergarten, she's made straight A's. She's been on the Principal's Honor Roll every year. Granted, she's only in the third grade, but I feel that she's gotten her education off to a good start.

She actually ENJOYS homework. After she comes in from the school bus and has her snack, she ACTUALLY ASKS my mom if she can do her homework now.

She LOVES to read. Serious, hardcore reading.

Back when we were living in Flowood while our house was being repaired due to Hurricane Katrina, she was in Kindergarten. In the state of Mississippi, they administer a STAR test to test the reading level of each student.

As an aside, I heard this morning on NPR that Mississippi is one of the only states (if not the only state) that reading levels are actually INCREASING. All across the nation, the reading levels in each state are DECREASING while ours is rising. Granted, they're probably not even close to being on an even level field. We've had a lot of work to do to get it to the point where ours is rising. But, it's getting there. This makes me happy.

Anyway, Light of my Life, along with the rest of the Kindergarten class, was tested and she scored in the above average level. At that age, it's not so much a test about how WELL you read but about comprehension and listening and recognizing words.

Of course, being her mom who happens to have a LOVE for reading, I was proud as all get out.

One of my biggest fears when I had a kid was "what if he/she doesn't love to read?" I could not comprehend having a kid that didn't love to read. My whole family is a family of readers. My uncle, both my aunts, my mom, my grandmother....everyone.

I can remember when she was about 3 and I would read her stories at night, she would get so frustrated that she couldn't read. She would actually cry about it. She wanted to read so bad.

Eventually, she learned to read and has been reading ever since.

She got hooked right away on the Junie B Jones series and then graduated to the Magic Tree House books.

In the third grade, the kids take the STAR assessment again to check the reading levels of each kid.

This time, not only was she above average...she's actually reading on a 5th grade level! Technically, she's reading on the same level as a kid that's been in the 5th grade for a month.

I was tickled pink. Not only is she reading above her level, but she's actually reading 2 grades above hers!

We were at a Barnes and Noble a few weeks ago (it has recently been built in a town about an hour away...same place as the nearest mall...yes, I keep trying to tell you people we live in the country...did you think I was making that up?) and as usual, she beelined for the children's section.

This time, instead of me making a beeline for the bargain books, I followed her in and started checking out the older kids' book section. I figured if she's reading and comprehending on that level, we needed to start getting her books more on that level to ensure that she keeps that level of comprehension up.

Wow! I want to read half of those books. There are some incredible books out there for kids ages 8-12. I mean some really incredible books.

Most of them appear to be in the fantasy genre and I think I remember reading about the increase in fantasy books after the Harry Potter boom. But still! All I remember when I was growing up was Judy Blume and Ann M. Martin and Francine Pascal (of which I DEVOURED).

I showed her the section of books that she needed to start looking in for any new books that strike her fancy and left her to her own. I told her I could buy her one book that was $6 or under (I hate putting a restriction on books but what can you do?).

I went on my way and after a while, I heard her calling me. We found each other and the poor thing had found 2 books (my mom had said she would buy her one as well) and it was two books she already had (two of the Ramona books). I explained this to her and she got so frustrated. We went back to the kids section and she said that it was too many books to choose from and she wanted to start crying.

We sat down right in the middle of the floor and talked about what kind of books she was interested in. She said that she likes adventure books but prefers adventures that are semi-based in reality (my words, not hers) as opposed to fantasy (with unicorns and ogres, etc...).

So, we sat there and in about 10 minutes, we had several for her to choose from. She ended up getting a book called Mandy by Julie Andrews (yes, Mary Poppins herself) and one called The Tail of Emily Windsnap by Liz Kessler and Sarah Gibb.

Well, she has utterly fallen in LOVE with the Emily Windsnap series. It's now a request from her to Santa to get the other books in the series.

I'm also gonna brag on her humanitarian skills.

In addition to her helping us out at the Methodist Rummage Sale, she loves, I mean LOVES to help me with the Operation Christmas Child shoe boxes.

She loves picking out what's going in each box. She loves finding things in the stores for me to buy. If she gets some new pencils, she donates half of them to the shoebox bag (the bag where I hold all things to go into the shoe boxes). When she gets a toy from the McDonald's Happy Meal, she donates the toy. She donates about 90% of the toys, beads and stuffed animals she catches at Mardi Gras each year.

I've always been proud of her for these sacrifices, but this weekend, I got the ultimate proof that she has a giving soul.

We went to go get our Christmas tree from the Home Depot (in yet another town an hour away) and there's a Claire's in a nearby shopping center. I had a coupon to get $10 off a purchase of $20 or more (told you I knew how to shop) and I had a few girls to buy presents for.

If you know anything about Claire's, they usually have a buy 2 get 1 free sale on pretty much everything.

I found 4 pairs of earrings that I could get as presents which meant that I could pick out 2 free pair. I told Light of my Life that she could pick out two pairs for herself (she wears clip earrings). She searched and searched and came back with a pair that she wanted. When she brought them to me, I told her "you can pick out another pair" and do you know what she said to me?

"Mama, instead of me getting a second pair, do you think I could get a pair to put in the shoe boxes?"

She floored me with her generosity. Here was her chance to get 2 pairs of earrings RIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS and she wanted to get one pair for someone she DOESN'T EVEN KNOW!

Of course, I told her it was fine and she picked out a lovely pair of clip on pink butterfly earrings.

Sigh.......I got a good one. I sure did.


Mama Dawg

Monday, December 8, 2008

Who Would You Do?

It's Monday, y'all! (you're supposed to read that like Ms. Brit would say it).

I hate Monday's but you guys with your comments have made me laugh and have given me such warm fuzzies. Plus, I won a contest! I NEVER win anything so this is especially nice. It's a twofer. It's a Christmas present for my mom AND I get to share it. It was the new Il Divo c.d. (with another one thrown in for good measure) and I get to download it to my iPod after she gets a chance to listen to it.

I'll get to what you came here for. Here's this weeks "Who Would You Do?" (book by Susan Segrest)

If you're a Python fan, you'll appreciate this. If not and you have no clue who these guys are, just click on their names.

"All you want in life is a guy who can make you laugh. Well, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones and Michael Palin (no relation) are all happy to take a fun loving tumble with you. Pick your Python passion. "

*Editor's Note---You HAVE to pick one of the choices. Even if you're a guy and the only choices are guys...same for girls...believe me, there are lots where it's only girls to choose from.

Later taters,

Mama Dawg

Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Ultimate Randomness of All Randomness (at least until the next random post)

Whoo Hoo! I got some more awards.

You guys are gonna make me get a big head if this keeps up (keep it up please, I bought an XL hat the other day and right now it doesn't fit. To save me from returning it, please give me some more awards...please, pretty please, with sugar on top?)

This one came from not one BUT two people. Granted, Goodfather just tossed out like a bajillinity names on his blog to give this to, but it is soooooooo cool. It's a manly award. And it has a tool on it *hee, hee, I said tool*.

However, Irish Gumbo actually BESTOWED this award on me. He singled me and a couple of others out specifically for this award. He must think I'm a tool. *hee, hee, I said tool*

This one comes with rules. I get the feeling that Goodfather is a good rule follower. Since he's so nice, I'll do this for him.

This award is for any blog that truly ‘measures up’.


1. Say one nice thing to a man in your life. (I told Max, my puppy, currently the only man in my life...besides JD and Mike the cats, that he was cute. Does that count?)

2. List at least six ways that you measure success in your life (or for your blog).

1. My daughter is happy
2. I'm happy.
3. I can buy groceries.
4. I have loyal readers.
5. I have friends.
6. I have a nice creative outlet that earns me respect.

3. Assign this award to six other blogs and leave them a comment telling the blogger that you’ve assigned them this award.

1. Manic Mariah
2. Momo Fali
3. Tattooed Minivan Mom
4. Vodka Mom
5. Trooper Thorn
6. Even the Nice Ones

4. Link back to the blog that you received this award from.


This next one is from one of my favorite Canadians, Captain Dumbass.

He, like Goodfather, CREATED this award.

I love me some Pirates. And if they're Canadian Pirates? That much better.

No rules with this one. If you want it, it's yours.

I like that he thinks I've got booty. Someone must have leaked my secret blog photos. Dammit!

----------------------- a last minute edit, I just rec'd this beautiful award from Heinous. Isn't he sweet? I think he just wanted to dump a feminine award, but I'll take it. I've already received this one once, so I'm not gonna do the thing that's attached to it.


You guys are in for a treat.

I'm doing a BEST OF RANDOMNESS here at the Dawg House.

I compiled a list of my best random lines from past posts.



A mouse and I had a stare down this morning in the pots and pans cabinet. He blinked first and ran away. Hahahahaha! Stupid mouse. I won!!!!! Nanny, nanny boo-boo.


How come when I hear the song "It's A Hard Knock Life", I just want to run home and feed light of my life some porridge and dress her in tattered clothing and sit on the couch and watch "Annie" all day long?


I just walked out in the hallway to get to another part of the hospital and it smelled like pickle relish and then I swear to God I saw a Hobbit in the mail room.

I wonder if they're connected?


I saw an old man walking down the road the other day. He was about 6'2" or so and had white hair that I could see sticking out from under his straw hat. He was wearing overalls and boots. I only saw him from the back.

My first thought upon seeing him....oohhh, I bet he's a monster. Just like out of a Stephen King novel.

I swear if he had turned around and had piercing all black dead eyes, I would not have been surprised. Scared, yes, but not surprised.


I took out a pair of panties the other day (clean from my drawer) and noticed my panties have stretch marks. Is that possible? And if so, what does that mean for or about me?


I was driving home from the vet's office a couple of weeks ago and laughed when I spotted an entire unopened non-flattened package of hot dog buns in the middle of the road. Some poor schmuck is going to get home and say "Well, Ethel, I could have sworn I bought a pack of them hot dog buns...I dunno" all the while Ethel is yelling "Jethro...we cain't eat no hot dogs without them hot dog buns".

I laughed harder a couple of miles later when I saw another package in the same condition.


Some thoughts that keep me up at night:

When you lose weight, where does the weight go?

Do you think fumes (paint, gas, etc...) have a color? If so, what color do you think they are?

and the number one thought that drives me crazy...

If you have more than one doofus in a room and you're trying to tell someone that there's more than one doofus in the room, what's the plural of doofus? Doofuses or doofi? Any ideas? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?


I had a Harry Potter moment the other day. I was driving to work and it was kinda foggy in some spots. I had been driving for a while with a clear windshield when all of a sudden, it fogged over and got an icy look. My first thought? "Oh, shit, the dementors are coming".


Here's some new random thoughts:

Having cucumbers and pickles on a salad is like sleeping with your first cousin. The pickle is only once removed from the cucumber.


I've made it my life's mission to become friends with Morgan Freeman. He's a celebrity that's always in Mississippi and I think we could become best buds. We have ABSOLUTELY nothing in common, but that shouldn't stop us. Should it?

That's it!

Happy Friday!


Mama Dawg

Friday, December 5, 2008

Helping Hands Project

Thistle over at Of Thistles and Maple Leaves is hosting a Helping Hands Project. This project challenges bloggers to help out in their community in some way. (this also counts towards my Friday Foto Finish Fiesta at Candid Carrie's since my foto is at the bottom!)

I thought this was a neat concept and I thought, initially, that I would need to start helping in my community but then I realized I already did.

I have this wonderful blog that makes the blogging community laugh.

'Nuff said. Done. Where's my badge?

No? That's not what she meant?

Ummmmm....ok, I don't fart in public.

There. Believe me, that is a SERVICE to our community. Not to mention the environment at large.

Still not what she meant?

Oh, OK. I'll toot my own horn.

I don't have a lot of money. That's obvious. It's obvious because I've said it like a gazillionity times here on this blog.

So, it's hard for me to contribute in a financial way. Or, at least, in a high profile kind of financial way.

My aunt, the one that lives with my grandmother, and her church is heavily involved with Samaritan's Purse and their Operation Christmas Child project.

I've known about this project for many years, but since I lived in New Orleans and didn't attend a church, I was out of the loop and never contributed.

Several years ago, I started buying things here and there for my aunt to include in the shoeboxes.

I made a decision before we moved up here, to start actively collecting items to include in shoeboxes. I had originally decided to donate all the items to my aunt's church to use but then realized that Light of My Life liked assembling the boxes (she liked to decided what items went in each box) and we decided to make it a family project.

I gathered up as many boxes as I could and we got to work. By the time the call came in to get them ready to ship off, we had assembled 20+ boxes. I donated them all to my aunt's church and we gave ourselves a pat on the back for a job well done.

We started collecting again after the first drive was done and over with.

And I'm proud to say, that this year, we assembled 46 boxes!

I make it a habit to pick up items each time we go to Wal-Mart or the dollar store. I can (barely) afford the extra dollar or two but it totally adds up by the time you're ready to assemble.

Also, due to Mardi Gras, I'm able to collect tons and tons of beads as well as new stuffed animals that they throw from the floats. I also collect other small toys they throw.

In addition to Operation Christmas Child, I also volunteer at the Methodist Rummage sale in the next town over.

I'm not Methodist.

Yet...I help. I go in the off hours and organize and decorate and straighten up and move boxes of clothes up and down the basement stairs. I had told my retired mom about this place and she started volunteering. She then asked me to come help her on my days off and I went.

I love organizing and gathering and decorating.

We also have fun spending time together.

Just yesterday, my day off, we went and worked on a Christmas display for this upcoming weekend.

I also adopted Max. Now, that might not have done much for the community, but it's done wonders for our family.

Do you volunteer? Do you help out your community in any way?


Mama Dawg

P.S. I got this from Pseudonymous High School Teacher.

P.S.S. This is a Wal-Mart sized bag of scissors that I got for FIFTY CENTS! They had a deal where you got whatever you could fill in the bag for FIFTY CENTS. If you'll notice the little orange sticker on the top pair, it shows FIFTY CENTS for ONE PAIR. I got the WHOLE BAG for FIFTY CENTS. It's over 200 pairs of scissors. These are the kinds of deals I find. Yeah, I'm THAT kind of shopper. I also can get my kids entire summer wardrobe for less than $100 by shopping in the off season at Old Navy for their clothes that are prices $1.99.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Writer's Workshop

I'm taking the easy way out.

I'm doing the 6th photo assignment that reads:

Tag! Post and write about the 6th picture of the 6th folder on your Flickr (or similar) account and then do the same for the 6th picture of the 6th folder on your computer.

This is the 6th photo I have on my ONLY folder in Flickr.

This is a picture of my dog Max racing my cousin dog Bailey at my grandmother's place. All Light of My Life is lacking is a pair of capris and a scarf in her hand and this would totally be the scene from Grease when Cha Cha DiGregorio "assisted" Danny and Leo in their pink slips race. You know what scene I'm talking about. Quit frontin' like you've never watched Grease.

Bailey is clearly the winner in this picture. I chalk it up to her being an older female. Cause we ROCK!

This is the 6th photo on my ONLY folder of pictures on my computer.

What's with all the dog pics?

I guess I'm living up to the literal title of my blog!

This is Bailey telling Max "You're just a stupid little puppy. You will soon learn that I'M the queen of the universe. That's right, you little runt, bow...I said BOW!"

And Max is totally giving in. He's a little whipped. Sigh......boy needs to grow some balls.

Oh, wait, that's right. He does have them. Just ask my right leg.

If you want to read more stories, check out Mama Kat's lovely blog.


Mama Dawg

P.S. Oh and regarding my last post? I'm not worried about finding love again. I don't want it. At least, not right now. I'm not at that place in my life where I could handle that. And even if I was in that place, I simply DON'T want it.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Missed Opportunities

Have you ever played the "what if?" game?

You know, "what if I had not had that last piece of pizza...I wouldn't have this horrible heartburn" or "what if I had not had that last beer...that man would still be alive".

You know, the "what if?" game.

I know, I know. The two examples I used were way out there and polar opposites of each other.

But, lately, I've been playing the "what if" game.

There's no winners or losers in this game.

No points, no score, no after the game celebratory drink at a pub.

I'm not one for regrets. I'm really not. I have very few. I like my life and I like the way it's turned out. Like most people, there's a few things I'm lacking that I'd like but, overall, I'm pleased with where I am.

Most of my "what if's?" have to do with men.

Yeah, big shocker there.

Through this whole Facebook experience, I've reconnected with lots of people I went to school with and that's what started the whole game play.

For instance, a guy I went to high school with recently told me that back in school, he liked me and had thought about asking me out but never did.

I wondered what would have happened if he had asked me and if I had said yes. Or even if I had said no.

If he HAD asked, I know I would have said yes. He was (and still seems to be) a nice guy.

There's not too much to wonder about. Mostly cause he is now married to a lovely woman (whom I don't know, but anyone that married him must be a nice person) and they have an adorable little girl.

It wasn't a serious wonder anyway. Just a fun thought.

I also wonder "what if?" I had actually dropped my robe all the way to the floor when walking away from JB that afternoon at my house and turned back towards him in all my glory instead of just giving him a sneak peek of what he was missing and then walking away.

I wonder "what if?" if I had gone home with that "popular" guy when at the reunion at the bar afterwards. He, after all, was someone I had a crush on in high school. But, I declined...mostly cause I wasn't attracted to him anymore (despite the beer goggles).

I do have a big "what if?" that has been weighing on my mind lately.

And, yes, it has to do with a guy in high school.

Someone that liked me...a lot. And had since the 9th grade. He even confessed his LOVE for me in our senior yearbook.

He was someone that I cared deeply about. He was someone who would have treated me the way I deserved to be treated. With respect and reverence and love. Instead of what I did get while in high school.

He was someone that you could picture yourself married to someday.

He was someone that remembered your birthday and that you liked Tootsie Roll midgees instead of the big ones.

He was someone who didn't give out Christmas cards to people, yet I always got one.

He was someone that I probably could have actually loved....if I had given myself a chance to find out.

He did ask me out. We were going to go on a date.

I chickened out at the last minute.

I told him something along the lines of that I knew I would hurt him if we were to start a relationship. And that it was best that we not start something I knew I couldn't finish.

And I would have. I promise you, I would have. Not because I wanted to, but because I wasn't at that place in my life where I could give all of me to someone. Hell, I couldn't give even part of me to someone. I was never one for commitment. I'm still not. I don't like being tied down, constricted, held back. Not that I have great ambitions...cause I don't.

He, ever the gentleman, let me go.

We stayed friends.

He wrote some very lovely and very touching words in my yearbook. They made me cry.

I still cry when I read them.

Which I've only done a couple of times since graduation (13 long years ago).

I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with the date. I wonder if we'd still be together. Married and with a couple of kids. Living in Florida. Not too far from where we went to school.

But, as much as I'd like to continue to play that game, I have to stop.

Because, if we had gone down that path.....I would not have the single greatest gift I've ever been given.....

I love you, light of my life. With all my heart and soul. With every fiber of my being. You are the single greatest gift I could ever hope or wish for. And, having said that...I let go of any regrets or what if's that I may have ever had.


Mama Dawg

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Yeah, it's that time again. Time for me to pimp my stuff.

However, it's a legit pimpin'.

'Cause it's the holidays, y'all.

Didn't ya know?

If you're looking for the perfect gift for your child's teacher or for that lady you know who wears a badge or keys around her neck at her job, my lanyards are the PERFECT gift!

The ones below are a small sampling of what I have to offer.

I can custom make a lanyard to match the school colors of the teacher.

I can just flat out make a custom lanyard! If you don't see a color scheme or theme that you like, just send me an e-mail and I can make one.

If it's a custom order, I need to have all orders in by December 15th to insure they get made and delivered to your doorstep.

I call this one, the Flight of the Bumblebee.

This one is for that ladybug lover in your life.

I love the Asian inspired theme of this one. These are some of my favorite beads and the color combination is to die for.

I LOVE this one. It's made completely of glass beads and is very classy.

I've gotten the most comments on this one from friends and family. I love the color combo.

If lanyards aren't your thing, check out my jewelry sets.
This one is understated and very simple. It works well with jeans and a twinset or you can use it to compliment your party togs during the holidays.

I love the color scheme on this one. Perfect for the holidays.

These next two sets are perfect for your little girl.

So, come check me out at my etsy shop The Briar Patch. (click on the name for a direct link).
You can also get to me via my sidebar on the right.
I'll be hosting a contest later this week, so make sure you come back!
Thanks for looking.
Mama Dawg

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