Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know, I know. I'm late.

But that's okay. You're known as the miracle worker, so it shouldn't be a problem.

What's that? You're not known as the miracle worker? The miracle worker is Annie Sullivan? Who's that? I thought it was you or Jesus. I get you two confused all the time. With all the mixing of the pagan and Christian holidays, you know.

Anyhoo, sorry for the mistake.

Since I got off to such a bad start, let me start over.

Dear Santa,

I know I'm late. Please forgive me oh red hot jolly one, sir. (a little ass kissing never hurt anyone, am I right?)

There's a few things that this Mama Dawg would like for Christmas this year and since they're not really things you can purchase in a store or online (yes, yes, I know...if you can buy a piece of ABC gum from Justin Timberlake on eBay, you should be able to buy ANYTHING on line, but I promise you, you can't buy these presents), I thought I'd turn to you. Cause you know, that whole miracle worker thing.

Dammit, did it again.

You know what, you're just gonna have to accept this letter, mistakes and all. Cause that's what I'm all about. Accepting people, mistakes and all.

I'll get off my own soapbox about acceptance and get on with the show.

Here's my Christmas Wish List:

1) I'd like someone to scoop the cat litter for me. This is a chore that I ABHOR with my whole being. I'll clean the box and put in fresh litter, but I HATE scooping it.

2) I'd like 50 followers by the end of the year. Yeah, I know. Blogging isn't about "popularity" but that's not the reason I want 50 followers. I just think 50 is a better number than 42. More round, ya know?

3) Ever since I did that post on women in my office whose va jay jay's smell like lilacs and roses and vanilla, "Betty" has become increasingly jealous and would like her own signature scent. She's torn between the smell of warm freshly baked bread, filet mignon or Opium perfume. I'm trying to dissuade her from anything that smells edible.......wait, maybe not. I need to re-think that one.

4) I'd like my sales on etsy to increase. So, can you spread the word for me? Does Mrs. Claus need a lanyard or an eyeglass cord or a pair of earrings? If so, I'm your gal.

5) I'd like for a special baby to be born. One to save all humanity from one of life's most horrible of atrocities. I'd like this baby to grown up to attend MIT and to invent an on command, self heating toilet seat. Cause when I get up in the morning (or as I'd like to refer to it...the middle of the night), that seat is frickin' COLD. I can't be the only one that feels this way, right?

6) I'd like for Britney Spears to get better and be happy and healthy in 2009. Yes, I know. She's trash. But, my heart bleeds for her. It really does. Plus, I truly think that in order to improve living conditions in Louisiana post-Katrina, they really need someone to rally around. And since she's a homegirl from Kentwood, who better to rally around than Ms. Brit?

7) I'd like for Max (my dog) to learn to come when called.

8) I'd like for someone to make a non-foul tasting Germ-X so when I eat something with my hands right after using said Germ-X on my hands, I don't have ethyl alcohol tasting brownies.

9) I'd like to be able to wish away extra pounds. Just wish them into thin air.

10) I'd like all my readers and followers and friends to have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and all that jazz. Cause they all deserve it.

If you could get on this list chop-chop, I'd appreciate it. You're da bomb, Santa. You truly are.

Later,

Mama Dawg

38 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Diane

You're a great writer! And very funny!
I gotta go back and read the vajayjay story now so I'm completely up to speed! lol

Diane
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jaden Paige

lol. The vajayjay thing is just too funny!

I feel bad for Brit, too. I am not a fan or anything, but I feel like she's just got SO MANY eyes on her, and everything she has ever done wrong has been advertised to the world. Everyone makes mistakes... it's just that not everyone has someone standing right there at all times to take pics and blast them to everyone!

Merry Christmas to you and LOYL :) Hope you enjoy every minute!

Irish Gumbo

Okay, okay, there is two big fat softballs (three if count that i just wrote 'big' and 'fat' next to 'balls'), and since I can't resist hitting them outta the park:

'red hot jolly one' - oh, yeah that's what she said! (bada bing)

Item #7: Forget the dog, who WOULDN'T want to come when called!

I am on fire! Woo-hoo!

And that, my dear, is my Christmas gift to you!

Hugs and merry-merry to all! ;)

Mama Dawg

IG-What did I tell you about making me laugh at work? Now you need to be punished. Maybe I'll do a whole blog post mocking you. Wait, there's not much to mock....hmmmm...this is gonna take some thought.

Irish Gumbo

Santa, baby! Punish me? This must be my luck week! You should get together with Church Punk Mommy http://myembellishedtruth.blogspot.com/

See 'It's Dancy Dance Time'. Rawwrrr!!!

Middle Aged Woman

I think Irish Gumbo needs to get laid. That's all I got this morning.

Mama Dawg

MAW-That's what I was thinking. Anyone have his wife's cell number? She needs to take care of this issue pronto!

Teri

I am now official follower #43. Hope that helps you quickly cross off one thing on your list. :-)

Jess

Most sexcellent list!

Sexcellent. Just a funny word.

OK, HOLLA.

Cocotte

Merry Christmas to you and LOML, Mama Dawg. And I'm with you on the Germ-X.

Mama Dawg

Wow Teri! Thanks! I appreciate the follow. I'll do the same in return!

Jess-you're right. A most sexcellent word.

Cocotte-Thanks!

Rhea

Great letter, Emily! Mistakes and all. I love your tone of voice and the way you talk to Santa, I mean the big jolly red one. lol

Good Christmas wish list. I approve.

Mama Dawg

Thanks, Rhea!

jen721

Great letter. Hope you and yours have a great Christmaka.

Peace.

Mama Dawg

Thanks Jen!

Vicky

That was the cutest, and most random, christmas list ive ever read! lol... love it... MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! cant WAIT till yall come to visit!

Mama Dawg

We'll be down next week! I'm excited!

sassy stephanie

Chop chop. Love your list. I too love Brit. I actually feel so badly for her. I can't imagine what kind of cliff I would jump from if I had to live life the way some celebs do.

Filet mignon? Girl, you are too much.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures

Oh I just watched that Brittney Spears doc she made on MTV and I feel sorry for her. I mean sorry for someone who has millions of dollars and dances around hot all be it gay men all day and goes on shopping trips and spends unlimited amounts of money and is driven around, and has her hair and makeup done daily...you know in that kind of way. : )
Hope you have a Merry Christmas. I will have to check out your etsy site, for some reason, I havent noticed it on the side there all this time? Doh!

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

You are too too funny and such a great writer. Your list is priceless.... They should make it an American Express commercial.

I already follow you so can't help you there.

Captain Dumbass

I had another comment to make, but my fingertips burst into flame as they touched the keyboard. It was definitely sexallent though.

Trooper Thorn

I'll bet Santa can do something for you about the 50 followers. THe vajay jay scent... not so much. But when you are in love, well, everything smells like a spring meadow.
I'm with you on Britney; she seems like a perfectly nice person who's gotten screwed around (by men).
Merry Christmas to you, Max and LOML.

Swirl Girl

Now that's a wish list I can relate to!

hysterical!

Irish Gumbo

Daaaammmmmnnnn...You ladies are smart! ;)

Mama Dawg

Always let it be known that on Tuesday, December 23rd, 2008, the Irish Gumbo called me smart.

Jennifer and Sandi

Well gawl darn it. You DESERVE 50 followers and I'm sure he will make your wish come true!!

Merry Christmas

- Jennifer

scargosun

Merry Christmas, sweetie! Thanks for including us in your Santa letter. :)

Momo Fali

Can you request an extra #7 and #9 for me too?

Mama Dawg

I'll get right on that!

Krystal

Now that is one cool Christmas List - I so totally agree with you on the self warming toilet seat!

Mama Dawg

Yay! Another convert!

Soldier without a War

I'm with dianne, i need to go check out the va jay jay story... i think lemon heads have a nice scent though...lol.... great wish list!! :)

La Pixie

okay, first, I really need someone to invent that toilet seat heater thing, because I have a sensative booty and I HATE peeing in the early morning when the seat is icy.

second, PLEASE let me know the outcome on the wishing away pounds thing. maybe we need to practice our Jedi mind tricks on people so they just dont see the extra LBs.

Im all for Britney getting it together!!

The Stiletto Mom

I have to agree with every item on your list...Merry Christmas Mama Dawg! May all your wishes (and then some!) come true!!

derfina

Well, you are one follower closer to 50. Merry Christmas!

steenky bee

I'm one of your 40-something faithful followers. I'm here to wish you a happy holiday and warn you that I'll be back in 09. Oh, yeah, you've been warned, be-otch. Love you!

Kat

I am all for wish your pounds away. Maybe that baby could invent that too...

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

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