I know, I know. I'm late.
But that's okay. You're known as the miracle worker, so it shouldn't be a problem.
What's that? You're not known as the miracle worker? The miracle worker is Annie Sullivan? Who's that? I thought it was you or Jesus. I get you two confused all the time. With all the mixing of the pagan and Christian holidays, you know.
Anyhoo, sorry for the mistake.
Since I got off to such a bad start, let me start over.
I know I'm late. Please forgive me oh red hot jolly one, sir. (a little ass kissing never hurt anyone, am I right?)
There's a few things that this Mama Dawg would like for Christmas this year and since they're not really things you can purchase in a store or online (yes, yes, I know...if you can buy a piece of ABC gum from Justin Timberlake on eBay, you should be able to buy ANYTHING on line, but I promise you, you can't buy these presents), I thought I'd turn to you. Cause you know, that whole miracle worker thing.
Dammit, did it again.
You know what, you're just gonna have to accept this letter, mistakes and all. Cause that's what I'm all about. Accepting people, mistakes and all.
I'll get off my own soapbox about acceptance and get on with the show.
Here's my Christmas Wish List:
1) I'd like someone to scoop the cat litter for me. This is a chore that I ABHOR with my whole being. I'll clean the box and put in fresh litter, but I HATE scooping it.
2) I'd like 50 followers by the end of the year. Yeah, I know. Blogging isn't about "popularity" but that's not the reason I want 50 followers. I just think 50 is a better number than 42. More round, ya know?
3) Ever since I did that post on women in my office whose va jay jay's smell like lilacs and roses and vanilla, "Betty" has become increasingly jealous and would like her own signature scent. She's torn between the smell of warm freshly baked bread, filet mignon or Opium perfume. I'm trying to dissuade her from anything that smells edible.......wait, maybe not. I need to re-think that one.
4) I'd like my sales on etsy to increase. So, can you spread the word for me? Does Mrs. Claus need a lanyard or an eyeglass cord or a pair of earrings? If so, I'm your gal.
5) I'd like for a special baby to be born. One to save all humanity from one of life's most horrible of atrocities. I'd like this baby to grown up to attend MIT and to invent an on command, self heating toilet seat. Cause when I get up in the morning (or as I'd like to refer to it...the middle of the night), that seat is frickin' COLD. I can't be the only one that feels this way, right?
6) I'd like for Britney Spears to get better and be happy and healthy in 2009. Yes, I know. She's trash. But, my heart bleeds for her. It really does. Plus, I truly think that in order to improve living conditions in Louisiana post-Katrina, they really need someone to rally around. And since she's a homegirl from Kentwood, who better to rally around than Ms. Brit?
7) I'd like for Max (my dog) to learn to come when called.
8) I'd like for someone to make a non-foul tasting Germ-X so when I eat something with my hands right after using said Germ-X on my hands, I don't have ethyl alcohol tasting brownies.
9) I'd like to be able to wish away extra pounds. Just wish them into thin air.
10) I'd like all my readers and followers and friends to have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and all that jazz. Cause they all deserve it.
If you could get on this list chop-chop, I'd appreciate it. You're da bomb, Santa. You truly are.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008