Thursday, December 18, 2008

Who Burned My Effin' Sausage? Oh, Yeah...

This weeks Writer’s Workshop had a prompt that asked us to talk about a favorite winter memory.

Now, I’m sure I have some that are sweet and mushy and all that.

But the one that stands out in my head is the one where I almost burned down the house and ruined Christmas for EVERYONE including my little cousin who was desperately waiting for Santa Claus to come visit her.

Don’t ask me the year. I’m too old to remember the 1990’s.

Not really, but I seriously don’t remember what year it was. They’re all mixed up in my head.

The usual tradition for our family is to go to my grandmother’s house for Christmas.

Back when we lived in Florida and New Orleans, this would normally mean that we would STAY with my grandmother.

Now, for all you Yankees and hottie Canadians, I don’t want you snorting your Starbuck’s and Tim Horton’s through your nose when I tell you what I’m about to tell you.

It got cold here one year.

Yep…it got so cold…the pipes FROZE and our electricity was cut off due to a storm.

All we had in the house to keep us warm was a large free standing wood burning heater.

Yes, wood-burning.

Yes, free standing.

Yes, this was our ONLY heat source.

So, we’re all in the house and it’s breakfast time.

If you know Mama Dawg, you know she likes her pig. Preferably in the sausage variety. Preferably at breakfast time in the links variety.

I had gone and gotten a pie tin and put a few sausage links in it but of course, no microwave or stove to heat it up.

So, bright idea….I’d set the pie tin on top of the free standing wood burning stove and let it heat up that way. And, while it was heating up, I’d go outside and find a quiet spot to take care of bidness (cause when the pipes are frozen, you can’t flush…for real), leaving the sausage all by its lonesome on top of the free standing wood burning heater.

Brilliant, right?

WRONG!

Why, oh, why, did no one ever tell me (cause I was a teenager and couldn’t figure this shit out for myself for some reason) that sausage produces it’s own grease? Even after it’s already been cooked?

And that if you add something that has grease in it to a hot object, the grease melts and begins to pop?

And that if it happens to pop inside the free standing wood burning heater, it would cause smoke like you’ve never seen before come roiling out of the top like Dementors Gone Wild?

Yeah…….that’s my story about how I almost ruined Christmas for everyone.

Luckily, we found it in time and were able to stop the smoke and the beginnings of the flames.



Needless to say, Mama Dawg didn’t get her sausage that day (that’s what she said…that was for the MIA Steenky Bee).

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. If you wanna read more stories, go on over to Mama Kat's for more.

23 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Irish Gumbo

Heh, heh, I got your sausage right here...AAIIGGHH! Jeez, sorry, Im tired and its early, that was too easy.

Next time, just use a blowtorch, sort of like Frank Zappa a la 'Burnt Weenie Sandwich'.

Luckky for us all, you survived the Great Sausage Blowout! (and no comments about 'sausage' and 'blowout'. Wait, I just did! Stop it, stop it!!!!!)

Cocotte

Sounds like something I'd do. It's hard to put two and two together when you're that cold.

Kat

You stole my "That's what she said" comment. Damnit!

Rhea

I'm glad the house didn't burn down. Because that would have really smoked Christmas for good. :o)

Lula!

I will now think of you every time I see sausage links.

That sounds kind of dirrrrty. But you know what I mean.

Diane

I'm giggling too much to even come up with a clever comment about your love of sausage and your utter desperation to get you some, no matter the inconvenience.

To make matters worse, your house is about to burn down and you're out shitting in the snow!

You poor thing!

Csquaredplus3

"If you know Mama Dawg, you know she likes her pig." That was awesome. I'm kinda big on cow though...

That's an intense story - all "Little House on the Praire" like. Moral: Never, ever, ever leave the sausage ALONE - anywhere. Trouble.

Jess

Whew! Close one! I don't think I could go outside and do any kind of bidnass in that kind of weather...but I guess if it got bad enough...I would go.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

Too much fun over here. Mama likes her pig, but didn't get her sausage. You do have a way with words Mama Dawg.

Remo

I know a lot of women who can really smoke a sausage. It sounds like you're a weenie-smoker from way back.

Good girl.

Jenners

Visiting from MamaKat's writers workshop posts...

Love your writing style -- this was pretty funny and took me right there to smoke-filled house and the smell of burning sausage.

And I love how you organized your blogs...I'm just seeing that as I type. I may have to "borrow" this technique because I'm just up to my ears in blogs and need some organization for them! But how do you classify blogs as "I'm Checking You Out To Decide If I Still Want to Keep Reading You" without hurting feelings?

scargosun

Awww! I thought you were being quite industrious with your rustic cooking. Glad it turned out ok.

Thanks for your comments on the whole Daddy troll thing. :)

Caroline

I probably would have done the same thing.

Well, you live and learn, right?

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures

That reminds me of my lesson learned the hard way about cooking bacon and greese and fire and smoke...but oh how I love bacon, the lost oven mits and partically melted oven vent was so worth it. : )

Lump

whew that was a close one!

Krystal

Between you and the Irish I am nearly peeing my pants but lucky me, I can flush and won't risk ruining my lunch!

Mama Dawg

That's what I'm here for! To make Krystal laugh!

Mariah

Christmas memories, I should have participated in this one. Glad things didn't total go haywire. Right?

Captain Dumbass

Oh, MD, I don't even know where to start. Sausages? Cold? Fire? It's too much.

Kelly

I remember that Christmas we all about FROZE our FREAKING asses off! Thanks for the Hilarious story and the link to the FUGLY SWEATERS!!! I can't stop looking at them. I was crying I was laughing so hard. Thanks.

goodfather

I always try to keep my sausage out of the fire, but I'm not always successful either.

I'm glad the house didn't burn down. Awesome post. :D

Vodka Mom

damn. Now I'm hungry for sausage.

Heinous

So you couldn't just eat the inside of the sausage?

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