Have you ever played the "what if?" game?
You know, "what if I had not had that last piece of pizza...I wouldn't have this horrible heartburn" or "what if I had not had that last beer...that man would still be alive".
You know, the "what if?" game.
I know, I know. The two examples I used were way out there and polar opposites of each other.
But, lately, I've been playing the "what if" game.
There's no winners or losers in this game.
No points, no score, no after the game celebratory drink at a pub.
I'm not one for regrets. I'm really not. I have very few. I like my life and I like the way it's turned out. Like most people, there's a few things I'm lacking that I'd like but, overall, I'm pleased with where I am.
Most of my "what if's?" have to do with men.
Yeah, big shocker there.
Through this whole Facebook experience, I've reconnected with lots of people I went to school with and that's what started the whole game play.
For instance, a guy I went to high school with recently told me that back in school, he liked me and had thought about asking me out but never did.
I wondered what would have happened if he had asked me and if I had said yes. Or even if I had said no.
If he HAD asked, I know I would have said yes. He was (and still seems to be) a nice guy.
There's not too much to wonder about. Mostly cause he is now married to a lovely woman (whom I don't know, but anyone that married him must be a nice person) and they have an adorable little girl.
It wasn't a serious wonder anyway. Just a fun thought.
I also wonder "what if?" I had actually dropped my robe all the way to the floor when walking away from JB that afternoon at my house and turned back towards him in all my glory instead of just giving him a sneak peek of what he was missing and then walking away.
I wonder "what if?" if I had gone home with that "popular" guy when at the reunion at the bar afterwards. He, after all, was someone I had a crush on in high school. But, I declined...mostly cause I wasn't attracted to him anymore (despite the beer goggles).
I do have a big "what if?" that has been weighing on my mind lately.
And, yes, it has to do with a guy in high school.
Someone that liked me...a lot. And had since the 9th grade. He even confessed his LOVE for me in our senior yearbook.
He was someone that I cared deeply about. He was someone who would have treated me the way I deserved to be treated. With respect and reverence and love. Instead of what I did get while in high school.
He was someone that you could picture yourself married to someday.
He was someone that remembered your birthday and that you liked Tootsie Roll midgees instead of the big ones.
He was someone who didn't give out Christmas cards to people, yet I always got one.
He was someone that I probably could have actually loved....if I had given myself a chance to find out.
He did ask me out. We were going to go on a date.
I chickened out at the last minute.
I told him something along the lines of that I knew I would hurt him if we were to start a relationship. And that it was best that we not start something I knew I couldn't finish.
And I would have. I promise you, I would have. Not because I wanted to, but because I wasn't at that place in my life where I could give all of me to someone. Hell, I couldn't give even part of me to someone. I was never one for commitment. I'm still not. I don't like being tied down, constricted, held back. Not that I have great ambitions...cause I don't.
He, ever the gentleman, let me go.
We stayed friends.
He wrote some very lovely and very touching words in my yearbook. They made me cry.
I still cry when I read them.
Which I've only done a couple of times since graduation (13 long years ago).
I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with the date. I wonder if we'd still be together. Married and with a couple of kids. Living in Florida. Not too far from where we went to school.
But, as much as I'd like to continue to play that game, I have to stop.
Because, if we had gone down that path.....I would not have the single greatest gift I've ever been given.....
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Have you ever played the "what if?" game?