Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Missed Opportunities

Have you ever played the "what if?" game?


You know, "what if I had not had that last piece of pizza...I wouldn't have this horrible heartburn" or "what if I had not had that last beer...that man would still be alive".


You know, the "what if?" game.


I know, I know. The two examples I used were way out there and polar opposites of each other.


But, lately, I've been playing the "what if" game.


There's no winners or losers in this game.


No points, no score, no after the game celebratory drink at a pub.


I'm not one for regrets. I'm really not. I have very few. I like my life and I like the way it's turned out. Like most people, there's a few things I'm lacking that I'd like but, overall, I'm pleased with where I am.


Most of my "what if's?" have to do with men.


Yeah, big shocker there.


Through this whole Facebook experience, I've reconnected with lots of people I went to school with and that's what started the whole game play.


For instance, a guy I went to high school with recently told me that back in school, he liked me and had thought about asking me out but never did.


I wondered what would have happened if he had asked me and if I had said yes. Or even if I had said no.


If he HAD asked, I know I would have said yes. He was (and still seems to be) a nice guy.


There's not too much to wonder about. Mostly cause he is now married to a lovely woman (whom I don't know, but anyone that married him must be a nice person) and they have an adorable little girl.


It wasn't a serious wonder anyway. Just a fun thought.


I also wonder "what if?" I had actually dropped my robe all the way to the floor when walking away from JB that afternoon at my house and turned back towards him in all my glory instead of just giving him a sneak peek of what he was missing and then walking away.


I wonder "what if?" if I had gone home with that "popular" guy when at the reunion at the bar afterwards. He, after all, was someone I had a crush on in high school. But, I declined...mostly cause I wasn't attracted to him anymore (despite the beer goggles).


I do have a big "what if?" that has been weighing on my mind lately.


And, yes, it has to do with a guy in high school.


Someone that liked me...a lot. And had since the 9th grade. He even confessed his LOVE for me in our senior yearbook.


He was someone that I cared deeply about. He was someone who would have treated me the way I deserved to be treated. With respect and reverence and love. Instead of what I did get while in high school.


He was someone that you could picture yourself married to someday.


He was someone that remembered your birthday and that you liked Tootsie Roll midgees instead of the big ones.


He was someone who didn't give out Christmas cards to people, yet I always got one.


He was someone that I probably could have actually loved....if I had given myself a chance to find out.


He did ask me out. We were going to go on a date.


I chickened out at the last minute.


I told him something along the lines of that I knew I would hurt him if we were to start a relationship. And that it was best that we not start something I knew I couldn't finish.


And I would have. I promise you, I would have. Not because I wanted to, but because I wasn't at that place in my life where I could give all of me to someone. Hell, I couldn't give even part of me to someone. I was never one for commitment. I'm still not. I don't like being tied down, constricted, held back. Not that I have great ambitions...cause I don't.


He, ever the gentleman, let me go.


We stayed friends.


He wrote some very lovely and very touching words in my yearbook. They made me cry.

I still cry when I read them.


Which I've only done a couple of times since graduation (13 long years ago).


I wonder what would have happened if I had gone through with the date. I wonder if we'd still be together. Married and with a couple of kids. Living in Florida. Not too far from where we went to school.


But, as much as I'd like to continue to play that game, I have to stop.


Because, if we had gone down that path.....I would not have the single greatest gift I've ever been given.....



I love you, light of my life. With all my heart and soul. With every fiber of my being. You are the single greatest gift I could ever hope or wish for. And, having said that...I let go of any regrets or what if's that I may have ever had.

Later,

Mama Dawg

24 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Cocotte

You will find love again, Mama Dawg. I'm sure of it. Hang in there and just be you!

Irish Gumbo

(sniff) You made me cry (big, manly tears, mind you) more before 9:00 a.m. than most people do all day!

Karma has been and should be kind to you. Very sweet post.

Jaden Paige

Aw...
I think everyone plays the "what if" game...

Twenty Four At Heart

I kind of do the opposite ... I think thank GOD I didn't stay with any of the losers I knew in high school! Ha! What does that say about my high school years?

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

That's some thoughtful pondering you have going on over there on a Wednesday. Sometimes I do the same thing, but it usually has to do with work. We struggle financially. But, like you, I always come back to those two wonderful people my husband and I created.

Kelly

I completely related to your "what ifs" I could go into detail on my blog..but Hubby reads it! But without those regrets I would not have my wonderful daughter..Funny how things work out?!

Jess

Ohhh the "what if" game. I am so right in the middle of one of those right now...you have no freakin idea. I have pretty much decided that you just have to take a deep breath and do what you can do in the present and do your very, very best to not hurt those in your life at the moment...gahhhh it sucks soooo sooo sooooooooo bad.

Captain Dumbass

Your life is nothing but a million "what if's." I've often imagined traveling back in time to change one of those, but in every one I still have to make sure I'm in the right place at the right time to meet SL, get married and make those two little insane cannibal monkeys I love so much.

Lump

this seriously made my eyes watery! so incredibly sweet and it's awesome the little one has you for a mother.

I play out "What ifs" all the time...not about lost chances or experiences, but about my future.

Rhea

Your girl is adorable. That picture is hilarious.

It's fun to play the What If game but it's easy to get lost in it too.

Have you thought about getting in touch with that last guy you mentioned? Since you're in a different place now? Or is he married now also?

scargosun

The "What If" game drives you obe of two ways, completely crazy or completely thankful.

Outnumbered2to1

I used to do the What if game but gave up when I realized I couldn't change the past just the present and look toward the future.

Good things will come to you! You are fabulous.

Trooper Thorn

Listen to Garth Brook's "Unanswered Prayers". Nice guys in high school are usually not apprecaited by the girls they fancy, but that is what the rest of our lives is for. Find a nice guy who needs a good woman now, and you have a terrific kid to offer in the deal too.

Lo

aw mamadawg you just made me done go and cry! this is sweet. i hope she always says thank you that she has a great amazing kickass mom like you, cuz she definitely lucked out :)

Kat

Sometimes the best gifts come from the most unexpected places. You got a fabulous present with Light of My Life.

greedygrace

I agree 100%! No regrets-- even the smallest change could have changed everything completely and then there's no light of your life!

A fun game to play though... I always wonder how my life would be different if I had become an English teacher like I went to school for. I'd probably be in jail for having an illicit affair with the captain of the football team!

Swirl Girl

(Wo)Mans'a fatal flaw is the 'what if ' game...don't play it - live it.

sassy stephanie

Amen sister. With a beauty like that, no reason to look back.

Mariah

Absolutely, don't ever look back.

Mariah

Also, im on facebook too and I have recently met up with SO many people, it's weird and you can't help but wonder. I'm DNing you my twitter. Go check it

ChurchPunkMom

i play the what if game.. A LOT. i'm just not allowed to play it out loud.. ;)

Mama Dawg

Thanks to everyone for their sweet comments. I do appreciate them.

Heinous

I never play the 'what if' game. I like where I'm at, so I do the 'what is' game.

Looking at the picture of your girl, I think you won that game.

Kat

I think about the what ifs. What if I had gone to Brazil in high school as an exchange student. What if I had gotten a loan to pay for housing for my #1 pick for college. I always wonder if my life would have changed...if I still would have met Michael...

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