Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Hand in the Darkness

Before y’all get all excited and think I’m talking about a spiritual hand in a figurative darkness…I’m not.

I’m talking about a real hand in the real darkness.

I have to start off by saying that I love being a single mother. I think I was made to be a single mother.

When my ex-husband and I were together, after we found out I was pregnant but before we got married, I had one of those deep down thoughts that I would end up being a single mother at some point.

A friend of mine said she thought the same thing.

I knew all along that I should have listened to my instincts and not told my ex that I was even pregnant, let alone get married to him.

But, I was wrong.

That’s not the point.

I love my little girl with all my heart and soul. Really, truly, painfully, joyfully love and adore my little girl. I don’t like to focus on how much I love her because if I do, I could never get anything done. It would make my whole body ache and my mind would be totally consumed with the thoughts of how much I love her.

We have such sweet tender moments together. We also have some fights, but, she’s 8. I’m taking it easy on her for now. I’m storing up for when she’s a teenager!

She says the sweetest things to me sometimes. One of the most reoccurring sweet nothings is her going on and on about my smell. She loves to sleep on my pillow and in my bed because of the lingering smell of me all over them. She likes to sleep in my t-shirts that I’ve recently worn. She loves to walk in the bathroom in the morning after I’ve gotten ready for the day because the bathroom smells like me (my perfume, you idiots, not potty residue!).

She does the sweetest things for me sometime. She’ll draw me some sweet little pictures or write me a story or poem. She’ll clean her room without asking or will fetch me a popcicle.

But, the sweetest thing she does when she’s sleeping in bed with me , that makes me cry in the dark, that makes my heart ache with the thought that my time with her is fleeting, that makes me wish I could start over again so I could enjoy it more…at some point during the night, she’ll reach out and gently, sweetly touch my face with her little hand, just to check to make sure that I’m still there.

Edit:

I had this all typed up and ready to go when I received a phone call from my mom around 11 yesterday morning.

Light of my life came home from school complaining of a stomach ache.

Like a good grandmother, my mom went to go pick her up. When she started asking her things about the ailment, it came out that my daughter was having some sort of anxiety attack. When my mom finally got down to the heart of the matter, it turns out that she had a strong feeling that she was never going to see me again. When she watched me drive away in my car this morning, after I dropped her off at the bus stop across the highway (it was raining, we usually walk over), she had this horrible feeling that she was never going to see me again and it caused her stomach to ache to the point where she came home from school.

When my mom called, I spoke to light of my life on the phone. She was crying pretty badly but when I talked to her, she started calming down. She’s fine now.

While I was on the phone with her, she asked me a curious question. She asked me if I had eaten lunch yet.

I hadn’t and explained as much. She seemed disappointed but said o.k. and we hung up.

I went to lunch like an hour later. When I opened my lunch box (yes, I take a lunch box), inside was a note from her that read:

I (heart) You! And she signed her name.

Between the phone call and this small note, it made me realize exactly HOW MUCH I loved being HER mother.

Later,

18 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Middle Aged Woman

This is where that comment was supposed to go. Light of your life is a good description. Enjoy it!

sassy stephanie

You.made.me.cry.like.a.SISSY!

The Nice One

Oh my gosh. What a beautiful love story. Truly.I love that she left you a love note.

LiteralDan

I thought you were going to say that it turned out your lunch was poisoned, and she knew through some kind of telepathic power.

But a note is cool, too-- you guys are lucky to have each other, and I'm sure you'll be together for may decades to come! You can tell her I said so-- my authority is absolute and universally recognized.

greedygrace

This is such a beautiful story! One of my favorite posts of yours yet!

Rhea

I'm with Literal Dan, I thought she'd saved you from certain food poisoning.

This was the sweetest post! Light of your Life is a keeper. You did good, girlfriend. Sounds like you're raising her well, despite the lack of hubby material.

I'd love to hear the full story on that, btw. Have you already posted it and I just haven't read it?

I sometimes leave notes for my boys in their lunches, because my mom used to do that for me. She'd write on a napkin and stick in it for me to use. I loved it.

Lula!

Tender. And precious. But not in a Hallmark kind of way, in a true and beautiful sense.

You are BLESSED!

And funny you should mention the whole smell thing...'cause just yesterday Libbey kept sniffing my arm. After I finally asked her what was the deal, she replied, "You smell good...you smell like Mommy." Um, sobfest much?

Mama Dawg

You guys are so sweet. I didn't mean to make you cry!

After I left work yesterday and thought about this post, I thought to myself,

"I should have put a postscript at the bottom and say that if something does happen to me, somenoe needs to let my mom know that from now on, she needs to let my daughter pick the lottery numbers"

but then I thought, naw, that sounds too macabre.

So, I left it out...to put here in the comments instead!

Captain Dumbass

Sigh, I hope I can have that kind of relationship with my kids.

Maggie, Dammit

ohhhhh, oh oh oh oh oh oh

why are there so many posts about sweet sweet children today? And yours takes the cake!

I can't handle this. My poor heart.

Ooof.

Tiffany McCallen

Hi there! Thanks for visiting my blog today on the CCC field trip. I decided to come check you out since you were so kind to stop and stay a while... and what a gorgeous post on which to land. Your daughter is one lucky little girl to have such a loving mommy. And, from the sound of it, you already know just how much she's changed your life.

Lynn - the piggy bank painter

That is so sweet.

Ron

BRAVO!

Exquisite post, Mama Dawg!

It truly touched my heart.

And even though I'm not a parent, I somehow FEEL that the love between a child and parent...is the most "connected love" there is.

Thank you for sharing this, dear lady!

Just Beautiful!

scargosun

YOU, my dear, are an amazing mother to have a child that wonderful. :)

überburber

soooo touching. (literally!)

Insane Mama

seriously sweet.

Swirl Girl

how darling!

Rich

Emily, your daughter is awesome! She is such a blessing from God. What a sweet girl.

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