Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My Raisins Are Mocking Me

I was sitting here eating a box of Sun-Maid raisins and noticed that when you lift the lid, the little flap that tucks into the box says “Work hard. Play fair. Sleep well.”

I didn’t think much about it at the very second I read it. It just kind of made me smile and I went back to reading blogs working.

A little time goes by and I start thinking about this “advice” from my box of raisins.

I started to get pissed.

Who the hell does this so-called “Sun-Maid” think she is to give me advice on my life?

I mean, for God’s sake, she’s a cartoon “maid” on a box of raisins. There’s some big Aztec-y looking sun type symbol behind her and she’s wearing a red bonnet that’s loosely tied ‘neath her chin.

First of all, honey, that look went out like in the 1800’s. Get with the program. Cut your hair, put some product in it and ditch the bonnet. That bright red lipstick does nothing for your complexion and your eyebrows need plucking.

Second of all, all you do is stare vapidly out into space from a box of raisins. When have you ever worked hard?

As for play fair? I don’t think so. I get the feeling you’re a cheater at Monopoly. You probably slip yourself a few extra $20’s when you’re playing the banker. Yeah, you do. I can see the guilt in your eyes from here. Not only that, but you totally sell yourself as a “healthier snack” than other crap out there in the stores. You’re 130 calories for 1.5 ounces of dried grapes. I need to eat like 5 of you in order to satiate any hunger I might be feeling between breakfast and lunch. That’s like 650 calories just for a snack.

No, my dear, you don’t play fair.

As for sleep well?

Yeah, it’s time to call the cops on your smiling raisin sun-maid ass. There’s no way you could know that unless you were peeking in my windows at night.

And last I checked, that’s illegal.

I do have a question for you though. How did you get by the amazing Barking Max? He barks at his shadow or if the wind blows in from the North. He totally would have busted you. Ninja like skills you must have, princess. Ninja like skills.

I think you should go back to what you’re good at and leave the advice giving career alone. You’re not any good.


Mama Dawg

P.S. When did they decide to put the California Raisin on the top of the box while little Miss Vapid is on the cover? The double pop culture references are making me a little dizzy.

33 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:


thanks for the early morning giggle!! are you sure you don't maybe have just a little too much time on your hands? lol
i say screw the raisins! lets have cake!
i love coming here everyday to see what new nonsense you've been up to!


You are too funny, Mama. Yeah, I don't appreciate advice from my food products either!

My neighbor's kid dressed up as that Sun Maid girl one year for Halloween. I thought that was a totally bizarre choice.

Mocha Dad

Maybe you should try prunes instead.

Jennifer and Sandi

She's one big Wench! Advice is given from fortune cookies DUH!!

Happy Wednesday!

- Jennifer

K and/or K

The nerve! I wouls trust Mrs. Butterworth much more.


Little Miss Vapid...bwahahhahahaha!

Irish Gumbo

“Yo, you better back that ass up, you red-bonnet wearin’, 1800’s streetwalker, no-workin’, layin’ in the sun tellin’ other people what to do with their lives, daughter of the friggin’ owner, actin’ all wise and insightful, I’m-too-good-to-actually-pick-the-goddamn-grapes bee-yotch! I hope you DO stay out in the sun, so’s you end up looking like one of those frickin’ raisins you keep tryin’ to get me to eat! Bitch!. And get rid of that f**cker with the glasses and the gloves! Looks like a shriveled up Michael Jackson!”

Fun factoid: Did you know that, if you fold the lid back, and blow through the box, you can get it to wail a bit like a harmonica! Or maybe more like a goose call. Great fun, and you can amuse your friends and terrify the cats at the same time!


That's hilarious. That lady has mocked me for years.



I used to eat this chocolate candy from Italy because each one was wrapped in a love fortune. So I bought this ginormous box once because I'm a glutton and was desperately single at the time and the love fortunes started to repeat. I was so pissed.


It may take you 5 boxes to satiate your hunger.. but it only takes one to get a great blog post. ;)

And seriously.. they're bad for your teeth. 'Healthier snack' my ass.. actually, my ass would be a healthier snack..

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

I hate the mixing of pop culture like that. No double dipping.

BTW You are very observant. i eat a bit of raisens myself and never noticed any of that.

Irish Gumbo

CPM: " ass would be a healthier snack."

You know how many times I've heard that from the 'ladies' down on the Block in Baltimore?

Great advertising, though.


Take that BEE-YOTCH!!!


hahaha I saw your tweet about this yesterday and couldn't wait to hear more.

That is way too confusing to have the California dancing raisin and the lady on the front. Confusing!

And why can't raisins make me drunk? I tried...


Hee hee! My brother and I used to spend hours blowing through our raisin boxes to make whistles. Come to think of it, that was probably extremely annoying to anyone in a 1-mile radius.


The lady is evil for sure.

As for cheating in Monopoly...well, how about that new electronic Monopoly they came out with! I am looking forward to getting it myself!

We have the same (work) keyboard!

Soldier without a War

omg... this post was so funny! I had no idea raisins had so many calories!!! there goes a "healthy" snack ( not that i really eat them or anything).

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures



Miss Sunmaid Raisin is a total bitch. You can just tell.



Screw that sun-maid bee-otch.

Swirl Girl

Jeez- now I don't feel so bad that my Cheetos called me a fat ass the other day.

Not mocking me, but telling it like it is,


Who KNEW the raisin maiden was a ninja?? Thanks for pointing this out, Mama Dawg. Now that I know I'm totally going to keep my raisins locked up tight in a tupperware.


how crazy is this??! I was just eating a box of raisins. NO LIE.

but my flap reads: Help a Friend.

um, geez, no thanks! kidding. ;)

Captain Dumbass

I hate raisins. They're grape zombies. I will not eat them unless they're safely enveloped in chocolate.

Mary Anna

Too funny! Thanks for visiting me during my Saucy week!


I totally agree- if I want profound I'll eat a fortune cookie.

Twenty Four At Heart

OMG I forgot raisins EXISTED!! I haven't had a raisin since I was a kid. And now the boxes lecture you? What's up with that?


I must say, I have never found such depth in the raisin box. And I'm a philosophy major. You'd think I'd beat you at this.

And hey! I see my quote on your page. Autographs later, please. :-)


That's funny. I just ate a box this morning. Mine said, "When you shine, people around you glow." It made my day!

Middle Aged Woman

You REALLY need to see this:


Take it from me that it is, shall we say, unwise to ever question raisins.

Just relax and let them work their magic-- it's easier that way.

Hot Tub Lizzy

I went on a blind date once, set up by my cousin. It was her, her boyfriend, me, and her boyfriends friend. We went by the boyfriends friend's house to pick him up and his family insisted we come in. The grandparents had come over from to america from their "homeland" in the 50's I believe. The house was odd.. everything covered in plastic - chairs, sofa, tables, carpet... and the grandfather, when we met me, went and got a box of sunmaid rasins and apparently said I looked just like her, and he thought she was the perfect woman.


I'm blonde. And... danish...

It was strange.


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