My Raisins Are Mocking Me

I was sitting here eating a box of Sun-Maid raisins and noticed that when you lift the lid, the little flap that tucks into the box says “Work hard. Play fair. Sleep well.”


I didn’t think much about it at the very second I read it. It just kind of made me smile and I went back to reading blogs working.

A little time goes by and I start thinking about this “advice” from my box of raisins.

I started to get pissed.

Who the hell does this so-called “Sun-Maid” think she is to give me advice on my life?

I mean, for God’s sake, she’s a cartoon “maid” on a box of raisins. There’s some big Aztec-y looking sun type symbol behind her and she’s wearing a red bonnet that’s loosely tied ‘neath her chin.

First of all, honey, that look went out like in the 1800’s. Get with the program. Cut your hair, put some product in it and ditch the bonnet. That bright red lipstick does nothing for your complexion and your eyebrows need plucking.

Second of all, all you do is stare vapidly out into space from a box of raisins. When have you ever worked hard?

As for play fair? I don’t think so. I get the feeling you’re a cheater at Monopoly. You probably slip yourself a few extra $20’s when you’re playing the banker. Yeah, you do. I can see the guilt in your eyes from here. Not only that, but you totally sell yourself as a “healthier snack” than other crap out there in the stores. You’re 130 calories for 1.5 ounces of dried grapes. I need to eat like 5 of you in order to satiate any hunger I might be feeling between breakfast and lunch. That’s like 650 calories just for a snack.

No, my dear, you don’t play fair.

As for sleep well?

Yeah, it’s time to call the cops on your smiling raisin sun-maid ass. There’s no way you could know that unless you were peeking in my windows at night.

And last I checked, that’s illegal.

I do have a question for you though. How did you get by the amazing Barking Max? He barks at his shadow or if the wind blows in from the North. He totally would have busted you. Ninja like skills you must have, princess. Ninja like skills.

I think you should go back to what you’re good at and leave the advice giving career alone. You’re not any good.

Later,

Mama Dawg

P.S. When did they decide to put the California Raisin on the top of the box while little Miss Vapid is on the cover? The double pop culture references are making me a little dizzy.