Friday, February 20, 2009

Karma Chameleon

I'm a chameleon.

I am Bartholomew Cubbins.

I am stressed.

Part of my quirky Gemini trait is the ability to blend. The ability to change. The ability to multi-task.

And it's stressing me out. It's gotten to be too much.

I started thinking about that this past week.

I am a different person with each person in my life and the people in my community.

And I'm getting exhausted trying to keep up with all of them.

I think that one of the reasons I started this blog was to let the real me out. The freaky, silly, weird, strange, lovable, funny one out.

The only place where I can be me 100%, well, take that back....90% of the time.

There are things I'll NEVER share with all of you.

And that's as it should be.

At least one of you knows another part of me. A part of me that I've never shared with ANYONE. And I thank you for keeping your silence.

But, in my life, in my community, in my job...I have to be a different person.

At work...I have to be quiet. I can't share my crazy stories about things I've done. They are so ultra conservative here.

Yesterday, my co-worker and I were treated to lunch as a thank you for working hard on a project. It was 2 co-workers, my immediate boss, my big boss and an auditor. I let it slip that one time I got kicked out of a club and they were SHOCKED. They said that they could not see me as the type that could get kicked out of a club.

Little do they know. I've gotten kicked out of a couple of clubs. And those are MINOR stories. Those are nothing compared to what else I've done.

I also stay quiet out of necessity. I'm surprised that I've not bitten my tongue clear off due to the crap I hear at work.

So.....I keep quiet.

As for my community? Well, I live in a small conservative town. Again, I can't let my freak flag fly around here. I would be labeled as trouble, or a bad egg or they wouldn't be able to define me at all because I'm so different.

And I'm not saying that because I think I'm special.

Cause I'm not. Or, no more special than anyone else on this earth.

In addition, my family lives here. I can't do or say anything to embarrass them.

So.....I keep quiet.

My neighbors know a few quirky things about me, but they really don't know much. I see the looks L gives me sometimes when I say or do something that doesn't jibe with the little microcosm that we live in.

So.....I keep quiet.

I have to keep quiet about things around my mom. I can't tell her anything anymore. I don't know if it's so much I can't as I won't. With a few exceptions, anytime I share, I get criticized or I get a lecture. When I have something big to talk about, most times, I just want someone to listen. Not advise or lecture or tell me I'm wrong or share war stories. Just listen. And she's not so good on that part. She knows that, too. We've talked about that.

So.....I keep quiet.

Around my daughter, of course I have to keep quiet. First of all, she wouldn't understand what I'm talking about or going through. Second of all, I need to PROTECT her from some of the things I think about or want to talk about. At least for now. Plus, she needs to be a kid...not a confidant.

So.....I keep quiet.

But, I'm getting stressed from all the silence. From all the harshness that's come into my life in the past few weeks. From all the negativity. From all the hardships due to lack of money.

However, I will tell you...I've "met" a few people through this forum that I've been able to actually talk to. On the phone, through e-mails, facebook, whatever.

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you've done for me. It may not seem much to you, but really, you listened (or read).

And that means a lot.

Thanks,

Mama Dawg

28 really cool people who give a rat's patootie:

Lo

hey girl. i feel you. why on earth do we start these strange things called blogs in the first place? i even feel some sort of weird censorship on my blog, bc i'm like... do i divulge 100%? i'm still on the border with that one. even in cyberspace i'm a chicken shit. i wish i could help more. if i lived near to you we'd have a disney pajama night. with liquor. of course. i can only offer you the one thing i have, and that's my ears. i know what it feels like to be the odd one out, and having to form and twist and jam your freakin ass into some role that is SO NOT YOU. i do it every day at my job. it sucks. all i can say is that i love your writing and i love you and i love your life. deep down, stay true. (lame, yes, but it's all i gots.) love you mama.

Mama Dawg

Thanks sweetie. That really does mean a lot.

Rhea

Wow, it sucks to have to be so silent, to have to hold yourself back all the time.

If you didn't blog, you'd burst!

That's a Bonifide medical condition, btw, bursting. And Dr. Rhea's recommended cure is blogging.

blog bloggity blog, blog, blog.

Love ya, babe, freak flag and all. I think we all need freak flags.

Jaden Paige

I LIKE your freak flag. Feel free to fly it around here whenever you need, and I will keep reading :)

Cocotte

Hell, I don't even know who I am half the time.

Keep on with your freaky-deaky self, MD!

Mama Dawg

Rhea-yeah, the silence is about to kill me. I'll get through it, but still. I've never felt to stifled.

Jaden-Thanks! That helps!

Mama Dawg

Thanks Cocette!

Kelly

Let that FREAK flag fly and fly it proudly!!! You are special and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! At my past job I said Fuck and all my co-workers were like "It is so funny hearing you cuss, you don't seem like the type!" I was like "if only you knew!!" Keep your head up and blogg away...i'll be here to listen!

Mama Dawg

Thanks Kelly. I appreciate that! It's funny when we surprise the people in our lives, isn't it?

Teri

I'm liking the freak flag thing.

I spoke out the other day to a person I was not sure was as super, ultra conservative as I quickly found out he was. He asked what type of law I want to practice. I mentioned a couple of things, but then I said I am particularly interested in getting the same sex marriage bill passed here in Georgia. My teeth almost dropped out when he said, "Well, why in the world would you want to do that?" My answer was, "
They're people, too. Why not?" He then proceeded to tell me in religious terms why not. And then he said he wanted to sit down with me later and talk all about it (a.k.a. have him tell me how wrong I am). But I did something I would usually not do. Politely, very politely, I disagreed. And went about my merry way.

Yeah, quiet can be tough in some instances. You're doing a good thing here. Keep it up.

ChurchPunkMom

I know all about having to keep quiet hon.. I know how hard it can be (I tend to be very 'open book' by nature).

Just make sure you always have somewhere to go, someone to go to, that you can really let your hair down and let go.

And if you ever need another someone to talk to, I'm here. I mean that. :)

Twenty Four At Heart

They would kick me right out of your conservative little town. I'm sure that news surprises you? Sending huge hugs your way. Trust me, I know how hard it is to keep things in ... it goes totally against my nature. And lately I'm really feeling the stress of it too. Maybe THAT's why I've had a migraine for 3 days? We need to go out for a drink together. Do you want to come visit Orange County?

Mama Dawg

Teri and CPM-Thanks! I appreciate the kind words and the "war" stories. It helps to know I'm not alone.

24-If only I could make it to O.C. That would be so much fun.

Pseudonymous High School Teacher

I think I need to be more silent at my job. But I can imagine a little bit what it must be like for you. I'm glad you have this forum.

Wishing you an opportunity to let your freak flag fly and live more openly.

Sarah's Blogtastic Adventures

Small towns can suck thats for sure. I hope things look up for you soon and how happy I am to hear you have lots of people to share with! That makes all the difference sometimes!

Swirl Girl

Don't we all have a freak flag that we wave every once in a while?

To that end- does anyone ever really KNOW another person 100%?

You just let us take a peak when you feel like it. Kay?

Mama Dawg

Pseudo-Thanks. That's why I love my blog. I can get freaky if need be.

Sarah-yeah, it does help to have all these great people!

SG-You rock. Seriously.

Sprite's Keeper

Sometimes, it's better to stay quiet, since explaining it to close minded people can take so much effort. Hope your outlets are open, sounds like you need some stress relief. Feel better!

Captain Dumbass

I know how you feel, MD. Hmm, maybe it's because I'm a Gemini too? There's a lot I don't say on my blog because I don't want to offend anybody, but of course, one of the reasons I started to blog was to get things off my chest. What do you do?

Irish Gumbo

MD: I'm sorry I'm late. But you continue to astonish and amaze me. This post is a case in point.

"Plus, she needs to be a kid...not a confidant." ! What a grown-up thing to say, and I mean that asa compliment! Wow.

I know whereof you speak. Come on, darlin', I have a spot on my mountain for you where you can plant that flag. I'm honored to have your company. :)

Mama Dawg

Sprite-That's how I see it. I hate having to explain myself. Especially to those that are close-minded.

CD-Say fuck it and do it anyway.

IG-I'm developing quite the crush on you IG with all these compliments you keep paying me. I will be honored to fly my flag on your mountain.

Wait, that sounded dirty.

Hell, you know what I mean.

thezeninyou

Keeping quiet is good sometimes, but after awhile it's good to vent! My daughter is a Gemini too...holy cow, you guys are intense!

Well, can we truly be our "full" selves with everyone? I don't know...there are parts of my life that I will never share. Sometimes too much information is just too much!

Momo Fali

I'm sorry that you aren't free to open up and share some things. That would be very hard. I hope that someday you will be able to let it all out!

The Dental Maven

I totally respect the way you conduct yourself, but I'm willing to bet you're not nearly as "different" as you think you are.

Kat

You know I am around for you any time you need me. Shoot me an email if you ever need to talk. Well you know how to get a hold of me. Love you, all your freakyness and all.

Glamour Girl

You are so right! You come here to blog then find out you can't really just yell it all out there because it isn't a black hole...people are out there and they find you.... then they kinda get to know you. I just found you today and already love it!

I too am something different to everyone but I have worked really hard in 2008 to just become me. I spooked a bunch of people and my husband considers me in a mid life crisis (35??) but I don't care. It feels good to be me. But seriously, people really do look at me and treat me a touch like I may dive off a cliff or something.

TattooedMinivanMom

Great, now I really, really need to know this super secret. Pretty please with ass slaps on top?

I can keep a secret. Really, really good.

Mama Dawg

LOL! Soon enough, my dear. Soon enough! Maybe.

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