Karma Chameleon

I'm a chameleon.

I am Bartholomew Cubbins.

I am stressed.

Part of my quirky Gemini trait is the ability to blend. The ability to change. The ability to multi-task.

And it's stressing me out. It's gotten to be too much.

I started thinking about that this past week.

I am a different person with each person in my life and the people in my community.

And I'm getting exhausted trying to keep up with all of them.

I think that one of the reasons I started this blog was to let the real me out. The freaky, silly, weird, strange, lovable, funny one out.

The only place where I can be me 100%, well, take that back....90% of the time.

There are things I'll NEVER share with all of you.

And that's as it should be.

At least one of you knows another part of me. A part of me that I've never shared with ANYONE. And I thank you for keeping your silence.

But, in my life, in my community, in my job...I have to be a different person.

At work...I have to be quiet. I can't share my crazy stories about things I've done. They are so ultra conservative here.

Yesterday, my co-worker and I were treated to lunch as a thank you for working hard on a project. It was 2 co-workers, my immediate boss, my big boss and an auditor. I let it slip that one time I got kicked out of a club and they were SHOCKED. They said that they could not see me as the type that could get kicked out of a club.

Little do they know. I've gotten kicked out of a couple of clubs. And those are MINOR stories. Those are nothing compared to what else I've done.

I also stay quiet out of necessity. I'm surprised that I've not bitten my tongue clear off due to the crap I hear at work.

So.....I keep quiet.

As for my community? Well, I live in a small conservative town. Again, I can't let my freak flag fly around here. I would be labeled as trouble, or a bad egg or they wouldn't be able to define me at all because I'm so different.

And I'm not saying that because I think I'm special.

Cause I'm not. Or, no more special than anyone else on this earth.

In addition, my family lives here. I can't do or say anything to embarrass them.

So.....I keep quiet.

My neighbors know a few quirky things about me, but they really don't know much. I see the looks L gives me sometimes when I say or do something that doesn't jibe with the little microcosm that we live in.

So.....I keep quiet.

I have to keep quiet about things around my mom. I can't tell her anything anymore. I don't know if it's so much I can't as I won't. With a few exceptions, anytime I share, I get criticized or I get a lecture. When I have something big to talk about, most times, I just want someone to listen. Not advise or lecture or tell me I'm wrong or share war stories. Just listen. And she's not so good on that part. She knows that, too. We've talked about that.

So.....I keep quiet.

Around my daughter, of course I have to keep quiet. First of all, she wouldn't understand what I'm talking about or going through. Second of all, I need to PROTECT her from some of the things I think about or want to talk about. At least for now. Plus, she needs to be a kid...not a confidant.

So.....I keep quiet.

But, I'm getting stressed from all the silence. From all the harshness that's come into my life in the past few weeks. From all the negativity. From all the hardships due to lack of money.

However, I will tell you...I've "met" a few people through this forum that I've been able to actually talk to. On the phone, through e-mails, facebook, whatever.

And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for what you've done for me. It may not seem much to you, but really, you listened (or read).

And that means a lot.

Thanks,

Mama Dawg